This article was co-authored by Erika Kaplan. Erika Kaplan is a Dating Coach and Matchmaker for Three Day Rule, an exclusive matchmaking company across nine cities in the United States. With over six years of experience, Erika specializes in helping singles find quality matches through date coaching and premium matchmaking services. Erika graduated from Penn State with a Bachelor’s degree in Public Relations. She worked for Rolling Stone, Us Weekly, and Men’s Journal before leaving publishing to pursue her passion for connecting people. Erika has been featured on Lifetime, the Philadelphia Inquirer, and CBS as well as in Thrillist, Elite Daily, Men’s Health, Fast Company, and Refinery29.
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Though it may seem old-fashioned, some girl’s parents may have strict dating rules which may include having to ask them for permission to date their daughter. It is likely that her parents want to get to know you first so that they can see that you are a trustworthy person. Do your best to make a positive first impression and then ask their permission politely, accepting their terms graciously, even if they say “no.”
Relationship Advisor Expert Interview. 1 October 2020. Having their pre-approval will help relieve some of the tension.  X Research source
- She might say, “Mom and Dad, can Jared come over for dinner Wednesday night? He’d really like to get to know you guys better and talk to you about us going on a date.” This will give her parents some time to think about this so you don’t spring a complete surprise on them. If you have already spent some time at her house and established yourself as a respectful and trustworthy person, her parents will likely be more open to the suggestion.
- Understand that going in without her parents having any prior knowledge of you is going to be difficult — no matter how polite you are or how well you dress, you will still be a stranger.
Whether her parents are super strict or you want to make a good impression right from the start, asking permission to date a girl is a nerve-wracking experience for almost every young man. That said, don’t let stress get the best of you. Even though your palms may sweat and your stomach may churn, take a deep breath and relax before the “big ask.” In the end, taking the time to ask her family for permission will show that you’re mature and serious about dating their daughter.
Talk to the girl. Ask her out directly, using a specific question such as, “Would you go to dinner with me on Friday night at the new Italian restaurant in town?” Provided she says yes, give her the chance to talk to her parents about your question first. She may need to ask their permission or ask them when you can come over beforehand to meet them.
Set a specific goal before the conversation. Sure, you want to ask the girl’s parents for permission to date her, but that’s a fairly general goal. Pick something that focuses on your girlfriend or where you want to take her. For example, you may decide your goal is this: “Prove to her parents that I truly care about her and enjoy spending time with her,” or, “Get permission to take her to the prom.”
Address your feelings. While you don’t have to go into detail about the intense attraction that you feel for their daughter, do talk about how she makes you happy. Acknowledge that the process is stressful and that you are anxious.
Ask her parents in a completely clear and direct way. Avoid a half-ask or approach that doesn’t cover your goals. For example, don’t say, “Well, a group of us are going to the movies. Maybe Jane might want to go.” Try something along the lines of, “I want to ask your permission to take Jane to the movies this Friday.”
Giving respect will get you respect in return, according to developmental psychologist Marilyn Price-Mitchell in her article “The Language of Respect” on the Psychology Today website. Say please and thank you when appropriate. Ask, don’t tell, her parents about your dating plans. There’s a difference between, “Jane and I are going to start dating each other,” and, “I would like to get your permission to date your daughter.”
Understand her parents’ point of view. Even though she is a teen or young adult, she’s still their little girl. Tell her parents that you know how special she is and will do everything you can to take care of her feelings and support her.
Stop yourself from arguing or making a protest. If at first her parents say “no,” don’t stomp your foot. Acknowledge their misgivings and present a mature explanation as to why you are a fitting option for their daughter.
Here’s a modern girl’s take on the tradition: how to ask her dad for his blessing — in a way that’s right for HER.
First comes love, then comes marriage… but in between, there’s a whole lot of traditions and decisions. Today, I’m focusing on one tradition that has slowly faded: asking her father’s permission before you propose. As love has become more important to marriage than money and joining families, the traditions have changed too.
These days, a man asking his girlfriend’s father for her hand in marriage is more out of respect than permission. Some people argue that asking her father for permission is sexist, chauvinist, and recalls a time when women were treated like property. That’s fine, I get that. We’re working on #equality, after all. Some people say a father should have nothing to do with adult relationships.
That said, most women, including myself, think it’s a sweet, respectful gesture to ask your future bride’s father for his blessing—not permission. As you start down the path towards matrimony, talking to him lets your GF, and your GF’s father know that you’re a gentleman who respects family values—which is something that pretty much everyone can agree on, no matter where you come from or what your beliefs are. Having a conversation about marriage with her dad, or other important family member, is an important tradition, a rite of passage, and a bonding experience between you and your future father-in-law. Bonus points if you also include her mom in this conversation.
Here’s how to talk to your girlfriend’s father about getting married:
1. Make sure you and your GF are on the same page about marriage.
You wouldn’t want to ask him and then have her say no—because that would suck. Having a conversation about marriage and if you’re both ready to take your relationship to the next level is the #adulting thing to do. Note, there’s no “right time” to talk about marriage—some people get married after six months, six years, or even six decades. There are no rules, and it’s definitely not a contest for who can walk down the aisle faster amongst your friends.
2. Meet the parents first if you can.
If it’s possible, try to meet your girlfriend’s parents before you propose. This could help you learn more about the girl you love, and it will make it easier once you do get married if you’re already friendly with your in-laws.
3. Have a man-to-man conversation with her dad.
This might be difficult now that more people have moved away from their families, but that’s also what phones and FaceTime are for. If you’re in the same city, arrange to meet him (and/or her mom) for an incognito lunch, a drink, or a coffee. You might be able to find a moment of alone time while visiting with parentals—it can be a quick conversation while your girl is running errands or simply ask her dad to step outside with you for a few minutes.
4. Explain your wish to marry his daughter.
You may be nervous, but that’s okay. Many men, especially when talking to other dudes, have a hard time talking about their feelings. Take a deep breath and lead with your emotions. Tell him how much you respect and love your girlfriend. Even if all you’re able to say is “I love her,” that’s a great place to start…
5. Ask for his blessing to propose marriage.
Instead of asking permission, simply explain your wish to spend the rest of your life with his daughter. Tell him that you’ll always honor, respect, and cherish his daughter. This is a good opportunity to ask for advice on proposing and marriage, too.
6. Now it’s time to PROPOSE!
Assuming everything went smoothly with daddyo–now it’s the actual hard part. If you still need an engagement ring, we’ve got you covered. Proposing is hard, but it’s something you and your future wife will remember forever, so it’s important that it’s special for the two of you.
There’s a caveat here, of course: if your girlfriend isn’t close with her family or her father. If her father isn’t around and she has other relatives that she’s close with, then by all means have this discussion with them. If she’s not close with her family, is there anyone else who she respects like parents?
One personal anecdote: I’m very close with my family. My husband is shy, but he got my father’s number and called him one afternoon. We’d been together for six years and he told my father he had bought a ring and was planning on proposing on an upcoming trip to California. My father was so appreciative that my husband had called to tell him. When I asked him about it later, he said he had a newfound respect for my now husband–that’s the goal of talking to her father first.
Remember, respect is something that is earned, not given. The small gesture of talking to her father before you propose can change the course of your relationship with her parents and your bride-to-be.
While there are some wedding traditions that go in and out of style, there’s one that never will: Asking your future wife’s parents for their blessing.
A recent study revealed that 70% of all engagements happen with the partner’s dad and/or mom’s loving approval, a tradition that became popular in the 18th century. And even though back then asking for your hand in marriage was more of a permission than a blessing, the gesture has clearly stuck around.
So if you are about to pop the question, how and when should you approach your partners parent(s), and who should you ask?
The first thing to consider is the relationship your future spouse has with their parents. Is your girlfriend close or estranged to her parents? Or has she expressed her annoyance at the tradition? If so, then that’s obviously something to consider. But even if it’s not YOUR cup of tea but you know it would mean a lot to your partner and her parents, it’s a sweet, courteous and respectful thing to do. With that said, here’s what you need to know (based on the most common questions we receive from grooms!):
How Should You Do It?
We suggest reaching out to their father or step-father (or potentially both) and asking if you can stop by their home or go for lunch or coffee. If you don’t live in the same state, a phone call would be the way to go (an e-mail is too impersonal). During your discussion a great way to start is to talk about your feelings towards your partner, and that with their blessing you plan on proposing. You can even give them a general date range if you want, so they know now to schedule anything or ruin a potential surprise (they can even play a part in it!). Here’s a sample script:
“I wanted to talk to you today because I have some important news to discuss. First, I want to tell you how much I’ve enjoyed getting to know you and (spouse’s name), and how much I appreciate being welcomed into the family. You are wonderful parents, and I know that (girlfriend’s name) is such a kind and caring person today because of that. Your daughter means the world to me, and I hope to spend the rest of my life proving that to her. I’m here today because I would like to ask your daughter to marry me, and I would be honored to have your blessing.”
Do You Only Ask the Father?
Even though the “blessing” is traditionally supposed to come from the father, we think it’s a great idea to include your girlfriend’s mother as well. They can be together when you ask, or after your meeting or phone call with the father you can call up their mom and share the big news and also tell them how much her blessing would mean to you. In terms of step-parents you’ll want to make sure you include them as well. A bride may be closer to her step-father than biological father, so take all the family relationships into consideration first.
What If They Say No?
There’s no sugar-coating this. If this happens it’s going to get awkward…fast. If that DOES occur (and trust us, it’s not common, so don’t get nervous!), you’ll want to remain calm and continue the discussion. Tell the parent(s) you are sorry they feel that way, and that you would like to talk about the reasons why. Chances are you already know whether this can be a constructive conversation or not depending on how well you know the parent, but if there is a time for a calm, rationale back and forth, now would be the time to do it. Are they worried about something you haven’t considered yet (such as religious objections, etc.) or are there past relationship issues or financial ones? Hopefully you can get a clearer idea of why they might feel this way, and what you could do to help alleviate their concerns. If it’s not going in that direction, thank them for their time and go with your heart knowing you did what was right.
When Should You Do It?
This is entirely up to you. It could be several days, a week, or months before your actual proposal (just maybe don’t do it on the SAME day. LOL). The point is that you took the time and effort to reach out in a meaningful way, which is something your future in-laws will definitely appreciate.
Back in the day, it wasn’t a question as to whether or not a guy would propose-it was a question of when he would do it. Times were different than they are today. Young women lived with their parents until they married, and that was standard from the beginning of time until about 50 years ago. Now, if they can afford it, most women get their own apartments when they graduate from school, whether it’s high school or college. They have bank accounts, jobs, and independence. Even if they move out a bit later, many modern couples end up living together before marriage. Which makes the whole “ask for permission” thing seem equal parts old-fashioned and silly.
But then there’s the matter of tradition, and no event honors and nurtures tradition more than a wedding. There’s the walking down the aisle, the I dos, the first dance, the toasts, and countless other rituals that make a wedding a time-honored experience. Before any of those things can happen, though, there’s got to be a decision to marry, and for many couples, the first question asked isn’t, “Will you marry me?” but “May I marry your daughter?”
Asking her dad for his permission is meant to show respect but it’s now perceived by some as sexist. Why ask the bride’s dad or both parents for permission? She isn’t property that’s meant to be traded, as women were in the past. And how come the bride doesn’t have a similar question for the groom’s parents? While it would be hard to believe anyone involved in this Q&A takes it as a serious request, it’s something to think about. In no way should a man talk about marrying his girlfriend with her parents before he’s discussed it with her first. Big life decisions should be talked about thoroughly and repeatedly before anyone hops a plane to the bride’s parents’ hometown or a ring is bought.
Like many things related to weddings, asking her parents for their permission is a long-held tradition, but it may not be right for everyone. As long as the bride and groom discuss whether or not to do it beforehand, they’re good to go. If you think her dad would appreciate the gesture, then do it as a formality. If you know your girlfriend would hate the idea, skip it. And if the idea of asking for “permission” at all feels like too much to swallow (you are both adults, after all), then try asking for their blessing instead. That way, you’re making it clear that you intend to propose, but that it would mean a great deal to you to have their support first.
By Grady Savage on Dec 05, 2018
One of the most nerve-racking engagement customs is the tradition of the person planning on proposing to ask their partner’s parents for a blessing before the actual engagement. This can feel like a high pressure, high stakes situation that could make even the most confident person filled to the brim with nerves. If you’re considering asking your girlfriend’s or boyfriend’s parents for a blessing on your impending marriage, make sure you follow these tips and you’ll be on the path to a great conversation with the people who will hopefully be your future in-laws!
Communicate with Your Partner Beforehand
Although you may not want to blatantly ask your partner if they’d like you to speak with their parents before proposing (although you totally can!), it’s a good idea to broach the topic in some way. This can even be just a simple question like, “What do you think about this tradition?” when a proposal scene comes up in a movie you’re watching together. It’s possible that your fiance-to-be may have strong feelings on the topic one way or the other, and it’s important to know their wishes before moving forward with such a delicate conversation. This would also be a good time to see if your partner has preferences on which parents to include in the conversation, or whom to speak with first—especially if their parents are divorced and they may have two sets of parental figures.
Schedule a Time to Talk
This important conversation should happen in person, if at all possible. If you’re truly unable to do it in person because of location differences, then do at least make a phone call. An email or text message would be completely inappropriate for a conversation with this much gravitas and would certainly not present you in the best light. And do schedule the talk ahead of time—this extra step will show that you’re truly serious and understand the gravity of the subject matter at hand, and will likely put confidence in the parents’ minds about your character and planning. Definitely don’t just drop by unannounced to have this conversation. Even if you just call an hour beforehand, if you must, this gives them a little time to prepare to chat with you, and it also shows that you’re not making this engagement decision totally on a whim.
Approach the Topic with Confidence
This is a serious question you’re about to ask your partner, so make sure you arrive to the conversation with confidence and excitement. And, of course, come ready to gush about your love! Be prepared to speak to their parents by coming in with some talking points in mind about what you love about their child, why you think you two are a great match, and what marriage in general means to you. Don’t forget that they raised this person and, like all parents, love to hear good things about their child. Be sure to give them lots to be happy about! Also, be ready to answer questions. Unsurprisingly, parents often have concerns and questions as their child moves on to this next phase of life.
Be Ready to Answer Them
Do not take any questions they may have as an insult to you or your ability to be a great spouse. Just remember how much they also love and care about your partner and want what’s best for them. These questions are a reflection of that. Respond with confidence, truth, and respect at all times. When possible, give answers that will calm any concerns they may have.
Always Remain Respectful and Positive
Remember, having this conversation to begin with is a gesture of respect and kindness towards the parents. You and your partner are both adults and will be able to make the decision to wed even if your future in-laws oppose it, so keep the conversation respectful and positive the whole time. It’s also a good idea to word your request as an ask for a blessing rather than permission. Even if they say “no,” be sure to keep your tone as polite as possible and remember that this conversation and the way you approach it will stick in the memories of your future fiance’s parents, so you want it to be a kind and compassionate one, no matter how it goes.
Include Them in Your Proposal Plans
Once the tough part is out of the way, feel free to include the parents in your proposal plans! Do you have the ring? Show them! Do you have a date for the proposal in mind? Let them in on it! This has the potential to be a fun way for you to bond with them, as well as to get them excited about the prospect of your engagement. If there are elements of surprise involved, do be sure to make that clear to them so they don’t accidentally spoil any surprises, but including them in the plans can help get this new phase of your relationship off to a good start! Keeping these things in mind as you go into this important conversation will help keep you confident and hopefully make your partner’s parents more than happy to give their blessing for your engagement and future marriage!
Popping The Question
– To Her Father
It might seem a little old school, but before you pop the question to your girlfriend, it is a good idea to approach her father for permission. This involves more than a quick “Oh by the way, can I marry your daughter” during halftime. While the traditional reasons for asking are now obsolete, popping the question to her father is a sign of respect and should be thought-out and prepared for. No matter how well you know her dad, you’ll be surprised at how nervous you’ll be.
To help you overcome any anxieties you might have, we’ve come up with four tips that will be invaluable when you’re popping the question to her father.
Assess the situation
Before popping the question to her father, make sure that you and your girlfriend are on the same page. Does she really want to marry you? Asking for permission only to have your proposal turned down is just an awkward day for everyone. Similarly, if your girlfriend is nowhere near ready for marriage, her dad might alert her and she could dump you before you can get down on one knee.
If she is on board, speak with her about approaching her father. Perhaps she has tips on how to make the conversation go smoothly. Or, depending on her relationship with her dad, she might not want you to ask him at all, but her stepfather or mother instead.
Arrange a time to meet her father alone. Depending on your relationship with him, you may want to invite him out for a round of golf or maybe for a couple of beers at a pub. If you are not as close, a face-to-face talk at his home is a good choice.
Don’t show up empty-handed. If he likes wine or cigars, bring some. The point is to bring a little something to soften him up before you pop the question.
Before you meet your potential father-in-law, go over what you plan on saying. Flattery will get you far. Complimenting his daughter reflects favorably on how she was raised, which is a compliment for dad as well. When popping the question to her father, steer clear of praising his daughter’s physical attributes and stick to how smart, kind and loving she is.
Go over the questions you think he might ask and have your answers prepared. How will you support her? Where will you live? Will you convert to her religion?
We have two more tips to help you out when popping the question to her father…
by Mark Ballenger
Ephesians 6:1, Exodus 20:12
How can you honor your father and mother in Christian dating and relationships? Do Christians need their parent’s permission to date or marry someone? What does the Bible say about parental approval, obeying your parents, and honoring your parents as an adult?
Here are three pointers on this topic regarding parents and Christian dating.
Children Are Called to Obey Their Parents in the Lord, Even When It Comes to Christian Dating
The Bible does not talk a lot about obeying your parents, but what the Bible does say is very clear:
Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.” (Colossians 3:20)
“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.” (Ephesians 6:1)
The two words we really want to point out for our question about dating is “children” and “obey.” According to the Bible, children are called to obey their parents, therefore if a child’s parents does not want him or her to date someone, that child should obey.
The question that needs to be asked is, “But who is a child?” My best understanding of the biblical use of the word child when referring to human families are those people still dependent upon their parents. If someone is still living with their parents and has not taken on adult responsibilities for themselves, I believe this is what the Bible is talking about when it says “children obey your parents.”
Secondly, we also want to notice the phrase “obey your parents in the Lord.” Children are called to obey their parents. But if their parents are leading them to sin then this would not be “in the Lord” and thus the child should not obey the parents. If your parents are telling you to do something unbiblical you are not required to obey them even as a child. You must always follow the Lord through obeying his word first and foremost.
In summary, if you are living with your parents then you are biblically required to obey them if what they are requesting is not sinful.
Christians of All Ages Are Called to Respect Their Parents Even If They Disagree
The biblical guidelines for Christians and their parents change once that person is an adult and is no longer depending on their parents like a child. Adults are not commanded to obey their parents. So if you are a Christian adult and your parents do not want you to date or marry someone, you are not obligated to obey them.
However, all Christians are still called to honor their father and mother. Exodus 20:12 states, “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.” Therefore, even if you disagree with what your parents want, you must disagree in a way that is not disrespectful. You must seek to honor them even when you do not follow their counsel.
If you are not a child as defined by the Bible, then you are not commanded to obey your parents anymore but you are called to respect them. So rather than asking for their permission like a child should, Christians should do what they feel is respectful when it comes to dating and marriage.
Christian Adults Should Listen to Their Parent’s Counsel in Ways that Makes Sense Based Upon the Actual Dynamics of the Relationship Between Them
Here is my opinion about all this. When you are an adult, you should include your parents in a way that makes sense. If you are a Christian and they are not, well this obviously will change a lot. If they are a mature married couple that you really respect, this again should be factored in. You should not blindly follow your parent’s advice as an adult just because they are your parents.
But if you respect your parents and you believe they are mature Christians in the Lord, if you believe that they love you, and if your parents have a track record of offering you wise counsel, then you should value what they have to say about your romantic choices.
In most cases, unless you are coming from a dysfunctional family, your parents are the ones who are most likely to tell you the truth even though it might hurt you. Your friends might have concerns about who you are dating or going to marry but they might not tell you because they don’t want to offend you. Most likely, if you have decent parents, they will be the ones willing to offend you with the truth because they love you so much.
Even if you disagree with your parents, even if your parents end up being wrong and you get married and have a great marriage, just know that what they are saying is coming from a good place.
So Christians adults are not called to obey their parents, they are called to respect their parents, and each individual Christian adult should listen to their parent’s counsel based upon the actual relationship that exists between this adult and his or her parents.
Follow these instructions to make sure he says “yes.”
As with a proposal after frequently discussing marriage with your beloved, it can still be nerve-wracking to ask for a future father-in-law’s blessing or approval, even if you get along great and you expect him to be congenial.
It’s an unfortunate truth that marriage used to be more about an exchange of property than love, but thankfully times have evolved. In the 19th century, the tradition of asking a father for his daughter’s hand in marriage was popularized. Though the romance of becoming husband and wife had reached that time, women were still largely under the control of their parents, so permission to marry from a future father-in-law was required. That is no longer the case, of course, but many people still partake in the tradition to ask a father to marry his daughter. However, nowadays the hopeful grooms typically ask for the father’s blessing as a gesture of respect, rather than feeling compelled to request permission to marry by society.
Just as you may be nervous to propose even after frequently discussing marriage with your beloved, it can still be nerve-wracking to ask for a future father-in-law’s blessing or approval, even if you get along great and you expect him to be congenial. In many cases, asking permission is just a formality before you get married; while other couples may think it’s absolutely essential. If your bride is not close with her father or he is no longer with us, consider asking her mother, step parents, family members, or anyone who will play the role of your future in-laws. Your bride-to-be may not even want you to ask her father for her hand in marriage, so if this is the case, consider just involving the family in the process of finding an engagement ring or planning the proposal – both of which can be a nice gesture and bonding experience.
Photo by Heather Kincaid; From Real Wedding: Jewish Ceremony + Romantic Fall Reception Décor in Ojai, California
The Dos and Don’ts of Asking for Her Father’s Blessing
Does She Want You to Ask Her Father?
– Do find out if your bride even wants you to ask for her father’s (or mother’s) blessing. Plenty of women are wholeheartedly against it, whether it’s because she doesn’t want anyone to know about her engagement before she does or because it’s against her principles. You certainly do not want the proposal to go poorly based on a misunderstanding.
– Don’t ask anyway if she expresses disdain towards the tradition. If you feel her parents think it’s important one way or another, make sure your focus is on your future wife. Let her explain it to her parents if they are upset after your engagement – she’s their daughter, and if she explains it to them, they will understand why you didn’t ask them first.
When Should You Ask for Permission to Propose?
– Do get together in person if that’s possible, or make a phone call if there are too many geographic constraints. With many couples living away from their parents in different states or even countries, we’ve seen some grooms make surprise trips without their sweethearts knowing, planning the talk while visiting for the holidays or a birthday, etc. As mentioned above, if an in-person ask is in no way possible, a phone call or FaceTime call can be appreciated.
– Don’t ask for her father’s blessing the first time you meet the man. This happens frequently on reality TV shows like The Bachelor; however, it should not be done in real life – unless there’s a special circumstance. Even if it has to be during the same visit, have it be one of the last things you do before you leave, so her father feels he’s gotten to know you first.
Who Should Be Included & Where Should It Be Done?
– Do make your girlfriend’s mother feel included as well. You can ask her parents at the same time, or if they are separated, ask her primary caregiver first. Many Inside Weddings grooms have also asked brothers, sisters, or even aunts, uncles, or grandparents. A general rule of thumb is to make sure you speak with the family members that your future bride feels closest to in order to ensure you’ve covered all of your bases, if that’s important to her.
– Don’t invite him to your home for this conversation. One way to make the meeting go best is to meet him on his turf, or neutral territory like a restaurant – extra points if you choose one of his favorites! It’s also a nice gesture to cover the meal – or at least offer – if you choose to go this route.
How Should You Ask a Father to Marry His Daughter?
– Do keep in mind what kind of man her father is – very traditional or more of an easy-going personality. That will affect how formal you should be during the encounter. We’ve seen some grooms have formal meetings with their future father-in-laws, while others have the conversation over a couple shots of tequila. Make it work for you and your future family!
– Don’t forget to mention how great of a job her parents did in raising the woman you love. You’re explaining why you want to marry their daughter, so make them feel like they are a part of that. A genuine compliment can go a long way and will be appreciated for years, even after you say “I do.”
What Should You Prepare in Case Things Don’t Go As Planned?
– Do be prepared to explain your financially stability and plans for the future, because her father will probably ask.
– Don’t quickly dismiss him if he does not give his blessing – is it as simple as he doesn’t trust any man with his daughter? Is it a religious or cultural difference he can’t move past? If so, you and your beloved may have to consider getting married without his approval. But if there’s something else giving him pause, find out what it is. He may have a point and you may need to consider it before you propose.
Should You Share Your Proposal Plans?
– Do let her parents know when you plan on popping the question, and make sure they don’t say anything to spoil the surprise until she calls to give them the good news. You don’t want your surprise ruined because someone got too excited and shared the news with another family member (or your bride-to-be!).
– Don’t panic if her parents ask why you want to meet! Simply say you have something important you’d like to discuss. They’ll probably already have an idea of what you’re going to ask at that point, which may help to ease your jitters.
It may seem dated to some, but the majority of proposers are asking permission to marry before popping the question. Here are the pros and cons of this tradition.
The concept of the groom approaching his beloved’s parents and asking permission to marry their daughter may be old-school to some, but it is still widely entrenched in American society today. In fact, 70 percent of proposers ask for parental permission to marry their partner. In fact, the tradition dates back all the way to biblical times. “When daughters were married, there was a dowry that the father gave (or offered) to the groom to marry his daughter, so the man would go to the father to ‘get’ something in return for the marriage,” explains Terri Orbuch, author of 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great and professor at Oakland University. “Later, it was thought to be traditionally the man who goes to the bride’s family to ask for her hand—to symbolize a contract between the man and the bride’s family (in return for your daughter, I will provide for her and take of her).”
These very traditional gender roles thankfully are no longer enforced the way they once were, however, many people are still asking permission to marry out of respect for their partner’s parents. Here, experts share some pros and cons to still preserving this tradition.
Pro: It shows you value the parents’ opinion
Jonathan Bennett, relationship and life coach and certified counselor in Columbus, Ohio, explains that, by asking permission to marry someone’s child, you’re letting them know that you value their input into their child’s future. “This can come as a relief to many parents who might fear that they are completely ‘losing’ their child to marriage,” he adds.
Con: It’s outdated
While the idea of asking for your partner’s hand in marriage might sound sweet, Bennett points out that it goes back to a more patriarchal time when fathers had total control over the the lives of their daughters—and asking a father to marry his daughter was the norm . “Many men and women have no desire to relive those kinds of customs,” he says. “If your future spouse’s family thinks it’s an outdated, ridiculous custom, asking for permission could make you look creepy and out of touch.”
Pro: It shows respect for the family
Making the decision to marry someone is a huge, huge decision. The fact that you’re including a parent in this process shows how much respect you have for him or her—that you care about his or her opinion on the matter. “By asking permission to marry, you’re essentially saying, ‘I respect you and your thoughts on this matter and I want to hear what you think because I respect and value your judgment,’” explains Dr. Orbuch. “By doing this, you’re also building goodwill and respect at the beginning of the marriage for the future.”
Con: It might violate your partner’s independence
While your partner’s family will, most likely, play a role in your future marriage, they are not the end all be all in this day and age. By asking for approval, it reminds the couple that it isn’t just their decision, but a larger decision regarding whether the marriage occurs—and most people don’t like that, Dr. Orbuch points out. In American culture, it could represent the loss of independence for the couple,” she says. “For some couples, the asking should be romantic, where no one else should know.”
Pro: You get family support from the start of the marriage
Assuming that your soon-to-be-fiancé(e)’s family says yes, along with their approval of your future nuptials, you are also getting their support and validation for the long-term relationship that will continue long after you say “I do.” “By asking, later on if you need help, the partner’s family is there,” says Dr. Orbuch. “It doesn’t guarantee that they can help, but essentially they gave their permission, so you can ask them or seek support or advice later on.”
Con: The family member might say “no”
If your partner’s parent is not a big fan of you and has made it clear that you are not worthy of marrying his or her child, don’t be surprised if they give you a big, fat “no” upon you asking permission to marry. Remember, just as you’re putting your heart on the line by asking your partner to take your hand in marriage, you are doing the same by asking the permission of his or her parent.
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The ancient tradition of asking a woman’s parents for her hand in marriage can have significant importance to your daughter, especially if she is Christian. The tradition of asking her parents for permission dates back at least as far as Genesis 29 when Jacob asked Laban for Rachel’s hand. Never mind that the request created in-law issues — it’s not a bad way to hit a homerun with your daughter and her suitor.
Secure Her Agreement First
Before you give your permission for your daughter’s suitor to marry your precious girl, have a chat with her and be sure that she wants to marry the boy. If you give your permission and she isn’t open to the marriage, there will be no easy way to handle the situation. A chat with your daughter gives you an opportunity to tell her how precious she is to you and how much you want her to have a happy and secure life. Explain all the reasons you believe she deserves the best and how much you hope he treasures her as you do. If you can have this chat before the suitor asks your permission, you can give him an answer immediately; if you haven’t talked to your daughter before he asks, put him off until you talk to her.
Building a Relationship With the Suitor
When her suitor asks for a private meeting with you, you can surmise that the question is coming soon. Build a relationship with him. Find out about him without grilling him like a fish for Sunday dinner. Ask how he met your daughter and what he likes most about her. Find out about his family and their traditions. That might tell you how often you might see them after the wedding. Share some stories about your daughter and why she is precious in your sight. Help the suitor understand who your daughter is from your perspective without passing on stories that will make your daughter cringe with embarrassment.
Important Questions to Ask
It’s OK to ask the young man questions about how he will support your daughter and what he believes about marriage. Ask about his faith and how they will share that together. If he isn’t a Christian, you can express your concern about them being unequally yoked, as described in 2 Corinthians 6:14. Ask any questions that have been on your mind since you met him, such as how his family feels about the relationship, where they might live and how he feels about children.
Graciously Blessing the Couple
The decision to marry is really between your daughter and this man, although you likely feel that it’s your responsibility to protect your daughter. If you have problems with the suitor, keeping your mouth shut can give her a chance to see it for herself. To stand in his way could drive her into his arms. Trust your daughter’s ability to make a good choice and graciously bless them if you can.
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Cathy Yeulet/Hemera/Getty Images
Your son popped the question and his significant other said, “Yes.” Now it is the time for the families to meet. According to etiquette expert Emily Post, it traditionally was the groom’s parents’ responsibility to reach out to the bride’s family for introductions. Go ahead and make the first move to send a letter to her folks expressing your feelings about the engagement.
Check in with your son and his new fiancee about her family dynamics. If her parents are divorced, first write to the family who predominately raised her. Write a second letter to the other parent or parent and spouse afterward.
Begin your letter by introducing yourselves as their daughter’s future in-laws.
Express your excitement over the engagement. Articulate how happy their daughter has made your son by agreeing to marry him. Tell them how much you have enjoyed getting to know their daughter if that is the case.
Invite the parents to meet as soon as possible. Communicate your desire to get to know them and their family. Suggest a time and place everyone, including the newly engaged couple, can meet in the near future.
Close the letter by again expressing your happiness and letting them know you are glad the two children have found each other.
This is an open letter to young men out there. All types of young men: my twenty-one-year-old son, young men in my church, and more particularly—young men who would like to date my daughters.
With one daughter having graduated from college and another in college, I have observed your dateless world. With a cultural war on manhood, you have lost markers that give you confidence. Allow a former young man to give you some guidance.
You are growing up in a less formal world. But you are not the better for it. And you take this informality into your relationship with the opposite sex. You “hang out” together.
Indeed, informality can be a benefit to seeing each other as friends. But in a world of “friends” there is not a distance that can foster a romantic relationship. Relationships are blurry. We “like” things on Facebook and “friend” people we met just once.
All of this vague social contact can lead to too much information. It can also lead to confusing and blurry relationships.
So here is my unsolicited advice to single young men from a former young man.
Let’s start with your heart motivation. Since I am assuming that you are a follower of Jesus Christ, then like all things, you are to do this to bring glory of God. And to do that you should start with the right motivation. Specifically, you should: “Treat younger women as sisters with absolute purity.” (1Timothy 5:2).
First, treat my daughter as you would treat your sister—with absolute purity. David Powlison observes: “All women except one—your wife—are in the category of mother, grandmother, sister, daughter. Your girlfriend or fiancee is a ‘sister’ first of all and should be treated as such.”
Until you are married, she is my daughter and your sister. I have promised the Lord to present her pure to a young man on her wedding day (2 Corinthians 11:2). That might be you. Who knows?
Second, treat my daughter as you would treat your sister—with selfless love. You can walk into this dating labyrinth with a serving heart or a self-seeking heart. Are you coming to serve or be served? You know which comes from Christ.
But how does this play out in specific actions?
1. Spend some time in groups with guys and girls. Deliberately seek to socialize together or (radical thought!) serve together in groups. Your generation has nailed the socialize part. Maybe you could work on the serve part?
2. Have some modesty toward her. Keep your mouth shut. If you have feelings of affection or attraction, don’t reveal them. Have some self-control and modesty. Do not tell her you “like” her and put the ball in her court. See #3 to #5. Take some responsibility.
3. Date with Jesus, not Cupid in mind. Ask a young lady out for coffee to get to know her, but also do this with other young ladies. And do this with some that seem less attractive to you. Do this to serve them, not to lead them on. Do this with another guy friend to take the pressure off.
Your reputation will soar when word gets out that you and your friend care to treat younger women as sisters, made in the image of God, and valuable to Him. You are going out to serve, not to hunt.
4. Make a formal, in-person invitation. Since this is a “date,” ask the girl to go out with you. Call her if you have to, but take the highest form of communication. Don’t be a coward and text it. Don’t post it on Facebook. Ask cheerfully. Ask privately. Ask clearly.
And by the way, don’t just ask her to “hang out.” What’s that?
5. Be ready for rejection. You are a man. Grow up. It’s OK if you get, “No, thanks. I have to wash my hair that night.” You won’t die. It will put hair on your chest. Since you are doing this as a ministry and not because you have the two of you married in your mind, you can handle rejection. Believe me, it won’t be the first time you are rejected in your life.
6. Go somewhere. Do something. Just the two or the four of you. Take the initiative. Don’t ask, “What do you want to do?” Even if she doesn’t love what you decide to do, she will love the fact that you showed manful initiative and planning.
And you should pay. Even if she has more money. Even if she insists. It doesn’t have to be expensive. Part of your calling as a man is to provide. Provide what you have, not what you don’t have.
7. Minister to her by asking her questions about herself. Don’t talk about yourself. Go out with a prepared list of questions. Make her feel special by getting to know her. What made her the person she is now? Where does she hope to be in a few years?
How many times have my daughters come home and related that their date talked about himself the whole night?
8. Thank her for her time. Since your goal for the date was to serve, at the end thank her for spending time with you. Even if you do not choose to see her again, you have ministered to her. You want her to feel like she matters to Christ. You are expressing grace to her.
(And ladies, you need to control your emotions. Guys are often afraid of leading you on. You can and should guard your heart. One date does not a husband make!)
9. Keep your mouth shut around others. Don’t go back and give the play-by-play to your friends. Have some self-control. This isn’t junior high school, is it? Have some modesty.
10. If you want to pursue things further, then repeat 3-9. Do it to express Christian love. Ask. Be ready for rejection. Do something. Thank her for the evening. Keep your mouth shut.
11. Repeat 3-9, until she tells you to call her father. That would be me. This is a good sign. That means this is getting serious. I want to talk to you. I was a young man once. I am looking forward to talking with you.
Men, you can do this! You can show manful care. Bring glory to Christ by being countercultural in your dateless, sex-saturated generation where men have the backbone of a jellyfish.
BIO: Chap Bettis is the executive director of The Apollos Project, a ministry dedicated to helping families pass the gospel to their children. He and his wife, Sharon, have four children and reside in Rhode Island. Chap is the author of Evangelism for the Tongue-Tied and numerous booklets on family life. Follow him on Twitter: @ChapBettis.
You, too, can help support the ministry of CBMW. We are a non-profit organization that is fully-funded by individual gifts and ministry partnerships. Your contribution will go directly toward the production of more gospel-centered, church-equipping resources.
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Closed 5 years ago .
I am Noman, from Bangladesh, 8 months ago my guardian showed me a girl to marry who is my relative (my cousin’s sister in law), after showing this girl, my mother went for the holy hajj and she showed positive attitude regarding this marriage, after that a relationship arose between us (that girl and me), but my mother has given negative decision after coming back from hajj. where she knows very well that we are in a emotional relationship. I asked my mother that why she does not agree to let me marry that girl? Is she a bad girl? my mother answered that the girl’s status is not the same as me, and she lives in a village, that means my family is only concern to the social status. nothing else.
Please note, one of this girl’s cousins is already been the wife of my other cousin and that marriage is done with the permission of all of my family members, but this time they don’t agree.
In this situation i have done a mistake, that is- we got married in front of quazi and in that occasion two of my wife’s cousins were present, and there were witnesses also, we still didn’t announce our marriage to our family members because they will got hurt.
Actually we thought , our family issue will be managed, and we will get married again by their permission, but the scenario is different and not as we thought, my guardian is too strict and they are not allowing me to do so. I am trying to manage and trying to get their permission but they are trying to make me walk on their way.
In this circumstance what should I do?
Now if I want to listen to my family then I’ll have to divorce (secretly) that girl, and if I don’t then I’ll have to announce the marriage to society. so please advice what should I do.
This mod adds new social interactions, created mostly for children and teens, but not only.
The idea was given by @MMohawk117. I developed it and gave it a life 🙂
There are 6 new questions that kids can ask to their parents:
- Ask about dating (only for children, not teens)
- Ask what to buy as a gift for your crush
- Ask where you should go for the first date
- Ask how to ask your crush out
- Ask if you can go on a date
- Ask how your parents met each other
Parents will reply to each question with few random replies. Also both children and parents will get buffs. Kid can get various buffs after each question, but parent will be sometimes locked with the buff they got in first place.
Question “Ask how your parents met each other” gives to parents a chance to tell real story about their experience. There are multiple answers, not only once 😉 I don’t want to say too much, you need to explore this on your own 😉
DATE EVENT FOR CHILDREN
Question “Ask if you can go on a date” can enable a “date event” for children (not for teens, because they can go on a normal date) – if only parent gives permission. It was indeed inspired by Littlemssam’s mod First Love 🙂 you can use interactions from her mod to complete the event.
If children were adopted, they should still see those interactions. If a parent got married for the second time, new parent should use interaction “Adopt as Caregiver” and then they can be also asked those questions.
If you would like to see other buffs and replies, maybe also new questions – please send me DM, I can expand then the mod with your propositions 🙂
*I think I alredy corrected all grammar mistakes, but I am too lazy to take new screen shots from the game, please forgive me 😀
- English (default, by me)
- Polish (by Kinga Rojewska)
- Italian (by SimsPhoria)
- Chinese (by GreenOnion)
- Russian (by Annie Hugss)
- Portuguese (by Ana Júlia)
- Dutch (by Kimberley)
- German (by Dunkelziffer)
- Swedish (by Liba)
by Kimikosoma integrated and link
by Chofis Aquino – link
Conflicts: Mod is not overriding anything so should cause no conflicts. If you use any mod affecting buffs strength and length (like Emotional Inertia for The Sims 4 by roBurky) my mod will be also affected and depending on settings buffs will be longer and stronger.
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Many couples today feel that the old, time-honored titration of the hopeful groom asking a parent’s permission to marry her daughter is antiquated. If, however your daughter or her boyfriend or believes this tradition is a nice touch that will help cement in-law favor, be prepared with ideas about how to respond to your future son-in-law.
You might respond to the prospective spouse with some questions of your own, such as “Do you love her?” or “How does she feel about this?” It would be unfortunate for you to give your permission for your daughter’s boyfriend to marry your daughter, when in fact, she may not want to get married — or that she doesn’t want to marry him. In another day and age, you might have asked if he was financially able to support her, but today, it is likely that a couple will need two incomes.
The question might give you pause if you think your daughter would bristle at the thought of marriage. When the hopeful groom asks you, you can try a little humor by asking if her hand is the only thing he wants. Once everyone has recovered from this, you can assure the prospective suitor that if your daughter agrees, it certainly would be foolish to stand in the way or to withhold your blessing. You can follow up with a few more questions, such as whether they have set a date or a location, or whether they plan to live after the nuptials.
Many couples live together for a time before they marry; it is like trying the relationship on for size. If your daughter and her intended are living together, you might quip that it is about time they decided to make it legal or how glad you are that they will finally tie the knot. If you’re curious as to why they are making the step now, you might ask what has changed, such as if she is pregnant, or if they have a better income, or if they simply felt that now “Is the right time to get married.”
Some mothers don’t want to believe that her adult daughter is fully capable of making the decision herself without the need for your permission. You can defer to your daughter and assure her and her intended that you will be happy for both of them, if it is truly what they want to do. You know it is up to her anyway, so asking your permission is a courtesy and not a requirement. You can ask your daughter how he managed to catch someone as beautiful and smart as she is or you can remark how happy they look together.
Question: Asking My Mom To Let Me Shave?
My name is Katie and I am 14 years old. I am a freshman in high school, and I dont shave. I would really like to but I am just too afraid to ask my mom. I am so embarresd by it and I need your adivce. I was wondering if I should just start (buy my own razors and go for it) or if I should just ask my mom.
I am still afraid to. I have started high school and it seems that all I can think about is hiding my legs and avoiding showing them at all (because at our school we have a uniform skirt). Leg shaving is a very common subject for girls my age to talk about (except me). All my friends talk about shaving and when they do I pretend to go bathroom or do something else. Imagine spending all of your time hiding or covering up your ugly, dark hairy legs. That is how I feel all the time. Please help.
Katie (14) from Cincinnati, OH
Katie, go ahead and talk to your mom. You might be surprised its something she prob has not given any thought to and it is something you have. I remember being the middle sister my mom one day
said ‘you need to watch your sister shave or ask what to do’ oops I was so mortified. Anyway my oldest sis used Nair hair removal creams and I still use this method the best. And some company like
Jergens makes a lotion for your legs that will slow
growth of hair or something similar. Good luck. At 14 you really need to talk to your mom or if this is still too hard try a sister, Aunt or even dear old dad. Good luck and remember your mom was 14 once too!
I wish I could give you a big hug! My husband and I work with our church’s youth group and I have had similar talks with a lot of girls on all subjects. You need to go to mom and say that you would like to ask her something that is very important to you and ask her to listen to you all the way before she answers. Sometimes moms tune kids out with out even meaning too. Explain maturely why you want to do this and then be willing to listen to her. I view high school as the beginning of learning how to be an adult and that means having mature conversations about mature things. I really want you think about this thing. If you can’t talk to your mom about shaving how on earth are you going to talk to her about more important things like drinking, sex, friends. ? You can do this, she is your mom and she loves you A LOT even if she doesn’t always show it.
Katie, your own mother was 14 years old at one time too! She went through the exact same thing as you are going through now. It’s hard to think of our parents as ever being kids, but they were. I think crys7881 had a great idea, just ask about getting razors. Don’t buy cheap disposals either, because as it was already mentioned, they feel like “cheese graters” and it won’t be a good experience for you!
39 More Questions
Ask a Question Here are the questions asked by community members. Read on to see the answers provided by the ThriftyFun community or ask a new question.
Question: Asking My Mum To Shave?
I am a 13 year old girl and I really want to be able to shave. My legs are becoming hairy and my armpits are too. A while ago I asked my mum, but she said my hair was too fine and is not noticeable (it is) and she walked away. Since it’s summer I really want to shave because we wear shorts in PE and all the other girls shave.
Any advice would be great! Xx
If I were you I would sit down with your mum and have a daughter/mum talk. Explain the situation and how important it is for you to start shaving, find out if she shaves her legs or under arms, and ask her how she would feel if she were in company and was afraid to show her legs or raise her arm.
Your Mom may feel you might be wanting to shave a little too soon. It is the majority of your life once started and she may be wanting you to hold off a little longer since your hair is fine and light colored; not so noticeable. Now that it’s there, it won’t go away and will continue to grow and thicken in the area. Perspiration odor will be more prevalent and you are a young lady who cares about hygiene especially now you are needing; not wanting which are two different things. Needing to begin feminine hygiene in such areas that makes you cleaner and odor free as not to offend others especially in PE where physical activity is performed. Sweating produces odor that is an obvious factor and you don’t want to be embarrassed or offend others. Being cleaner is a good thing. That’s how I would speak to my Mom about the topic and see if it changes her mind. I would not state that “all the other girls” do it. That’s really not what a Mom wants to hear as a solid explanation as to why you feel desire to shave. Good luck with your Mom/Daughter conversation.
Permission Letter for School : Many-a-times it happens that a political party or organization wishes to host an event, public speech or some other event in a school or college. For that, it is required that they write a letter to the higher authorities of the school seeking permission to use their premises or ground for a particular event.
Similarly, parents and teachers can write a formal letter to the school requesting leave for their child (or themselves in the case of a teacher) or also if they have any complaint or some other request to make. All these letters can be considered to be a permission Request for school .
Permission Letter Format For College/School
The basic format of the letter is like any other formal letter without many changes. The letter starts with the name and the address of the sender. After that, you need to mention the date on which you have written the letter.
After that, you need to mention the name and address of the sender to whom the letter is addressed to which follows with the subject line. Do not forget to mention the subject line as ‘Permission letter’ in case you are seeking permission or as per the request you are making to the school or college authorities.
Here’s the basic format you need to follow while writing a permission letter for school/college:
Subject: Permission Letter
Body of the letter
Name of the Sender (the first name is enough)
Signature of the Sender
How to write a permission letter for school
Writing a permission letter for school is not that difficult. However, you need to follow some basic guidelines and tips that will make your letter flawless and to-the-point.
Here are some useful tips that you can adhere to while writing a permission letter for school:
- Avoid using ornamental language which consists of heavy words normally used to impress the readers. However, you need to avoid this because you are writing a formal letter which has to be precise and clear.
- Avoid using slang and short forms (abbreviations). This could be in a way disrespectful towards the school authority which means that the letter will not work in your favor and might work actually against you.
- The language used must be simple, clear and the purpose of the letter should be brief yet effectively described. School authorities are already busy with a lot of administrative work so they do not have idle time. Therefore, it is better to keep it short and simple.
- You cannot forget to write the subject line as you are writing a formal letter.
- The basic format of a formal letter should be followed at all times.
Sample Permission Letter for School Example
A formal permission letter is a must if you wish to avail permission from a school or college for some even or function. The norm is to carry a formal letter even if you have scheduled a meeting with the school authority.
The letter must not contain unnecessary information and sharing of thoughts and opinions about school policies must be strictly avoided. If you are writing a complaint letter then also the tone of the letter needs to be polite and the concerns must be explained with honesty and sincerity.
A school arranges a lot of extra-curricular and sports activity for the students after or during school hours. Therefore, if a student wishes to be a part of it, then the parents can write a permission letter to the authorized person of the school.
Sample 1. Permission Letter for School Activity
262 4968 Sit St.
Yigo Massachusetts 50654
Mr. Caster Richardson
YHP Public School,
902 Ullamcorper Street
I, Imani Tally, am the father of JohnsonTally who is studying in Class V of your reputed school. We have come to know that students of Standard V and VI will be practicing for a stage drama after school hours in the coming week.
I would like Johnson to be a part of it as he seems to be interested in acting from his childhood days. It would be a rejoicing moment for me and my family to see my son act on the stage. Therefore, I request you to consider him for any role in the stage act.
I am hoping for a positive response from your end. Thank you!
Sometimes a student needs a few leaves due to some emergency or for attending a family function or event. In such cases, a parent has to write a request letter to the school principal or class teacher to ask their permission for the same.
Here’s a sample letter.
Sample 2: Permission Letter for School Absence
268 Arc Street
SRS public School
Arc Street San Fernando
Subject: Permission letter for leave from school
Respected Harrison Wilson Sir,
I, Sonos Jorden, am the father of Jack Jorden who is studying in Class IV of your reputed school. We are attending my cousin’s marriage in Jaipur this week and therefore I am requesting you to grant Jack leave from 13 th March 2019 to 17 th March 2019.
I personally have to make many arrangements a few arrangements before the marriage so I have to leave with my family a little early. I would personally take care of the subjects and portion that would be missed by Jack during this period.
I hope that you will consider my request and grant the leaves for the aforementioned dates.
Sometimes you may have to write to the school principal to seek approval or permission for an event or function. Here’s a sample letter that will make you understand it better:
Sample 3: Permission Letter for School Principal
511-5762 At Rd.
Chelsea MI 67708
P.O. Box 887 2508 Dolor. Av.
Muskegon KY 12482
Subject: Hosting a book exhibition
I (Full Name) work in the organization (Name of the company). I am writing this letter to seek your permission for hosting a book exhibition in your school hall from 12 th April 2018 to 14 th April 2014.
This exhibition will include rare and historical books written by famous authors and celebrities. I am organizing this exhibition to revive the interest in reading amongst students and other general masses of our city. A separate reading space will be provided to those who will be interested to read a particular book.
Therefore, I request you to grant me permission for the same. I would also like to meet you to discuss the same concern and so you can also inform me of a comfortable date and timing for the same.
Schools need to take permission from parents before taking their child on a school trip. Here’s a sample of the permission letter:
In today’s modern world, couples often discuss marriage together, coming to a mutual agreement rather than a formal proposal. Asking for a bride’s hand in marriage, which typically means formally asking her father for permission to marry, is an old-fashioned tradition that is rarely followed nowadays. Still, there are many who do choose to follow this custom.
Explore this article
- How It All Started
- Why You Should Ask
- Ask Your Girlfriend First
- Ask Her Father
1 How It All Started
The tradition of asking for the bride’s hand in marriage dates back at least to ancient Rome. Back then, the prospective groom would ask the bride’s father for permission to marry her, at which point he would hand the father a symbolic coin. In return, the father would take the hand of his daughter and place it in the groom’s hand, symbolizing his approval of the upcoming marriage.
2 Why You Should Ask
Asking permission to marry can set the stage for a wonderful relationship between you and the bride’s parents. Asking the bride’s father for her hand in marriage shows respect. It shows her parents that you love their daughter enough to go through the possible discomfort of asking for her hand. It also gives you — and the bride’s father — the opportunity to have a meaningful conversation about love, family and future plans.
3 Ask Your Girlfriend First
First, talk to your girlfriend. Obviously, you want to be sure she is ready for this next step. She should be the first to know that you have marriage in mind. It’s also important to find out what kind of relationship she has with her father. Maybe he has been absent from her life for a long time, or maybe she is closer to her stepfather. Perhaps she is just very uncomfortable with the idea of you asking her father for her hand in marriage — after all, although the act is symbolic, it does have sexist undertones. Make sure your girlfriend is completely comfortable with the idea before you ask to meet with her father.
TNN | Last updated on – Jul 13, 2018, 17:18 IST
01 /8 Going out on a date
Do your parents often stop you from going on a date? If you are silently nodding your head, we bet you would be able to relate to this story. Most of us have been through the situation of looking for the perfect excuse to escape our parents’ suspicion before going out on a date. Needless to say, many times we even run out of excuses when such dates become a regular affair. We are not saying lying to your parents is a good thing but we all have made some excuse at least once to go out on a date, isn’t it? We asked seven people how they used to convince their parents when they had a date planned and here’s what they confessed.
02 /8 Group studies always help!
“I was known as a studious person and always topped my class. So, whenever I had to go on a date, group studies used to be my most preferable excuse. In fact, I once went on a date with my college junior and later, helped her in preparing for an exam.”
03 /8 Best friend’s house
“My best friend and I used to visit each other’s house almost every second day. My parents knew her well and they liked her a lot. Whenever I ran out of excuses before going on a date, I used to lie about visiting her place. I then drop her a text message and ask her to cover up for me in case she receives a call from my parents.”
04 /8 You don’t have to specifically mention it’s a date
“Technically, I never lied to my parents. I always used to tell I am going to meet a friend and interestingly, my parents always assumed I would be catching up with a college friend. I guess, my mother always had an idea about this and once asked me how was my ‘special’ meeting?”
05 /8 Extra classes at college
“Whenever I wanted to return home a few hours late because I had a date after college, I used to lie that I have an extra class to attend. For those ‘extra’ hours, my parents avoided calling me thinking they would disturb me during the lecture. A few years later, I confessed about this to them and got a good scolding.”
06 /8 My friend used to come to pick me up
“I used to request one of my friends to come to my place and ask for my parents’ permission to let me go out with her. Once they allowed us, I used to bid her goodbye and go for a date.”
07 /8 Shopping spree with friends
“A date does not mean you always have to out for a long drive or a candlelit dinner. I used to go shopping with my boyfriend and tell my parents I am going out with my school friends.”
08 /8 Enquiring about a new course
“I used to say that I am going to inquire about a guitar class or some new course and go for a date. I kept myself prepared with information from the Internet in case my parents asked any questions about the course.”
(All images used here are representational)
It is easy, ask whom ever you want to spank you that “I want a spanking”, if they back off and don’t want to spank you “I want a spanking beacuse. I was naughty when. I feel gulity and I want you to spank me over your knee with your hand with my naked bottom showing.” You should ask the person that you offended to spank you.
“Hon? I know this may sound a little strange, but would you be willing to give me a little spanking? It would be a turn-on for me.”
There are three possible responses:
“I don’t want to hurt you, dear.”
“No, it’s not sick. It’s just something I want, but if you don’t want to, that’s all right. Forget I asked.”
“You won’t. If it hurts, I’ll tell you to stop.”
“I love you!”
By phrasing the question “mom’s boyfriend,” you are insinuating asking a father figure for a spanking. This can be a very difficult and nerve-racking endeavor. The manner in which you ask him will vary greatly in congruency with your situation. It depends on a number of factors. Take these into account when you ask him. Have you been spanked by a previous father or father figure (such as uncle, grandfather, and so on)? Have you been spanked by your mom, or anyone else? Are any of your current friends or other relatives spanked? Has he used other forms of discipline on your (making you write lines, grounding you, taking away items and/or privileges), and have they proved unsuccessful? Does he implicitly mention spanking, in general terms? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you might want to bring those facts up in conversation. If you and your current father figure discuss your behavior often, you might want to introduce him spanking you if you believe that will improve your behavior. Also, if your father figure mentions that you have a lack of respect for him, you can suggest that he spanking you could heighten your respect of and for him.
If your father figure does not seem comfortable with the idea, but you still believe it to be in your best interest, make sure to stress that notion. Tell him that he doesn’t necessarily have to spank you on the bare buttocks or on the underwear if that makes him uncomfortable. Tell him that he can spank you sparingly until the two of you become used to it; after all, you being spanked by him will also get some getting used to as each spanker (the one giving the spanking) and spankee (the one receiving the spanking) is a bit different. If you are spanked by someone else, you can suggest that your father figure watch a spanking he or she gives you in order to understand what is entailed in a regular spanking. Or, your father figure can ask the person who spanks you questions so that he can know what should be expected of him in the spanker-spankee relationship. You can suggest that entering into a spanker-spankee relationship can often make the father figure and child grow closer together.
These are just a few ideas to bring to the table when you bring up the topic of spanking to your father figure.
John Croyle is known as the star football player from the University of Alabama who gave up a lucrative NFL career opportunity to open the Big Oak Ranch — a place for abandoned, abused and neglected children.
On a recent visit to both the boys and girls ranches, I had the opportunity to talk with John. He is full of wit and wisdom and shared these five questions he has posed to numerous young men through the years who asked for his blessing to marry one of the young women at the ranch.
1. Are you going to take care of my daughter financially? I want you to work hard, provide for her and your family, and never use money as a weapon. Many divorces are a result of money issues. She doesn’t have to live in a Taj Mahal, but she should have a safe and comfortable home, clothing and food.
2. Are you going to take care of her mentally? I know how smart she is right now, and you should too. I want her to be smarter after living with you than she is now. You should challenger her mentally, encourage her, build her up, help her to achieve her goals, and assist her in growing closer to God in wisdom and knowledge.
3. Are you going to take care of her emotionally? Two things will destroy your marriage: self-centeredness and bitterness. Guard against these. Inside my daughter’s heart is a round hole I call “emotional need.” Inside of your heart as a man is a square peg that is somehow going to have to “fit” with her. Are you willing to knock off the edges of that square peg in order to fulfill her emotional requirements? She doesn’t think or react like you do. You may see something and laugh — she may see it and cry. You may say something that you thought was the sweetest thing in the world, and it may make her madder than a hornet! God designed you to be the one who can meet her needs; are you willing to guard against self-centeredness and bitterness and take care of my daughter’s emotional needs?
4. Are you going to take care of her physically? As a father, it has been my job to protect my “princess.” As her husband, your job is to protect your “queen.” I want to know that if someone threatened her, you would step in front of her. And protecting her physically also means intimately. What you see on TV, the movies and pornography — that is not real life. Don’t get kinky or stupid with my daughter. And it goes without saying that she had better never live in fear of you physically! Just take care of her in every way possible.
5. Last and perhaps most importantly — Are you going to take care of her spiritually? Do you know that in the Bible, it tells men to love their wives 33 times? But it tells wives to love their husbands only twice. You are asking for my daughter’s hand. I know what a woman of God she is right now. When I place her hand in yours in marriage, I am no longer responsible for her spiritual health and training. One day, after living together for many, many years — you are going to present her hand to God. Will she be more of a godly woman then than the day I gave her to you? Your job is to be the spiritual leader of your family and raise your children (my grandchildren) according to God’s design. When you meet God in heaven one day, I want him to smile and say, “They are better after having lived with you.”
“If you can take care of my daughter financially, mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually, then you have my blessing. If you can’t do these five things — I need to know now.”
John told me that he has only had one young man who couldn’t answer these questions to his satisfaction. So John refused to give his blessing; the young man needed work on one of these areas. John told him to “fix it, come back, and then we’ll talk.”
That young man went away, worked diligently on that one area and came back to John after “fixing” it. He gave his blessing, and that couple is happily married today.
You have lips, I have lips. I might want to kiss you but let’s use our lips to talk about it first. When doing consent training workshops, we discover how common it is for people to feel uncomfortable practicing consent in their lives. Consent is a muscle and like all others, in order to work it needs practice.
One big challenge people face when starting to ask for consent is finding the balance between giving space for the other person to say no, yet maintaining the sexiness of the situation.
In practice however, the thrill of asking for consent is fun and creative. Do you remember your first kisses? Butterflies? The uncertainty, hesitance and awkwardness are all cues that consent is being practiced. You’re alive to the possibility of someone saying “no”.
Lets be clear: not everyone likes kissing and not all folks are in relationships and that’s awesome!
For those who are interested in kissing*:
*Bear in mind that inviting kissing in any of these ways requires an appropriate context (more on that later)
- “Would it be okay if I kissed you on the lips?”
- “would you like me to lean closer and put my lips on your neck?”
- “Would you be willing to kiss me right now?”
- “Welcome to kissville, population us?”
- Our Favourite: “Can I kiss you?”
- “Can you kiss me?”
- “Can you kiss me softly?”
- “I would love to kiss you right now, if you’re into it. Are you?”
- “How comfortable would you be with kissing right now?”
- Try this: Lean towards someone and offer them your cheek. Give them eye contact while tapping your cheek.
- If your partner responds to that, try tapping on other parts of your face or body.
- Write your request on a piece of paper and pass it on a note.
Part of practicing consent is being comfortable with saying and receiving “no” as an answer.
This can also be challenging for people to get used to. Here are some ways to practice:
- “Not now, but check in with me later.”
- “No thanks”
- “Not now.”
- “Not here, maybe somewhere private?”
- “Not into it.”
- “No, I’m sick”
And finally, ways to respond to receiving a “no”.
- “Thanks for being honest”
- “Thanks for being so rad”
- Our Favourite: “Okay, cool!”
What are some of your favourite ways to ask for a kiss or say no?
If you’re interested in furthering these discussions, join us for our monthly consent training workshop.
Asking for permission to do something takes many different forms. Perhaps you need to get permission to do something at work, or perhaps you need to ask a friend for permission to use one of her possessions, or maybe you need to ask the teacher if you can leave room for a moment or two. Remember to use polite forms when asking for permission to do something or use an object as you are asking a favor of that person.
How to Ask for Permission in English
Can I + verb (very informal)
- Can I go out tonight?
- Can he have dinner with us?
NOTE: The use of “Can I do something?” is very informal, and considered incorrect by many. However, it is used in everyday informal speech and for that reason has been included.
May I + verb
- May I have another piece of pie?
- May we go out with our friends tonight?
NOTE: Traditionally, the use of “May I do something?” has been used for asking permission. In modern society, this form has become a little more formal and is often replaced with other forms such as “Can I. ” and “Could I . ” Many argue that “Can I . ” is incorrect because it refers to ability. However, this form is quite common in everyday, spoken situations.
Could I please + verb
- Could I please go with Tom to the movie?
- Could we please go on trip this weekend?
Do you think I could + verb
- Do you think I could use your cell phone?
- Do you think I could borrow your car?
Would it be possible for me + infinitive
- Would it be possible for me to use your computer for a few minutes?
- Would it be possible for to study in this room?
Would you mind if I + verb in past
- Would you mind if I stayed a few more minutes?
- Would you mind if I took a five minute break?
Would you mind my + verb + ing + your + object
- Would you mind my using your cellphone?
- Would you mind my playing your piano?
How to Grant Permission in English
If you would like to say “yes” to someone who asks permission, you can give permission using these phrases. The first three are more informal, while the fourth is formal.
- No problem.
- Go right ahead.
- Please feel free + infinitive
How to Politely Refuse a Favor/Deny Permission
Saying ‘no’, is never fun, but sometimes it’s necessary. See the conversations below for some examples.
- I’m afraid I’d prefer if you didn’t / don’t.
- Sorry, but I’d rather you not do that.
- Unfortunately, I need to say no.
- I’m afraid that’s not possible.
When denying permission, people will sometimes instead offer to help in other ways, using the words “how about” and “instead” to offer alternatives.
- I’m afraid I can’t let you borrow my car, but I could drive you instead.
- I can’t babysit your daughter. How about I call my sitter for you instead?
- I wish I could help out; maybe another time.
Sample Dialogues for Practice: Asking for Permission Which Is Given
- Jack: Hi Sam, do you think I could use your cell phone for a moment?
- Sam: Sure, no problem. Here you are.
- Jack: Thanks buddy. It will only be a minute or two.
- Sam: Take your time. No rush.
- Jack: Thanks!
- Student: Would it be possible for me to have a few more minutes to review before the quiz?
- Teacher: Please feel free to study for a few more minutes.
- Student: Thank you very much.
- Teacher: No problem. Do you have any questions in particular?
- Student: Uh, no. I just need to review things quickly.
- Teacher: OK. We’ll begin in five minutes.
- Student: Thank you.
Example Situations: Asking for Permission Which Is Denied
In this example, an employee is asking for time away from work.
- Employee: Would you mind if I came in late to work tomorrow?
- Boss: I’m afraid I’d prefer if you didn’t.
- Employee: Hmmm. What if I work overtime tonight?
- Boss: Well, I really need you for the meeting tomorrow. Is there any way you can do whatever it is you need to do later.
- Employee: If you put it that way, I’m sure I can figure something out.
- Boss: Thanks, I appreciate it.
This example shows a father telling his son that he can’t go out because of his recent academic performance.
- Son: Dad, can I go out tonight?
- Father: It’s a school night! I’m afraid that’s not possible.
- Son: Dad, all my friends are going to the game!
- Father: I’m sorry, son. Your grades haven’t been the best recently. I’m going to have to say no.
- Son: Ah, Dad, come on! Let me go!
- Father: Sorry son, no is no.
Find a partner and use these suggestions to practice asking for permission, as well as giving and denying permission as shown in the examples. Make sure to vary the language you use when practicing rather than using the same phrase over and over again.
Talking it Out
There are few relationships with more potential for tension than that of a mother-in-law (MIL) and daughter-in-law (DIL). Add in a grandkid or nine, and things can go off the rails rather quickly. That’s why it helps to broach certain subjects with your DIL—holidays, money, rules—well ahead of time.
”In so many of these situations, it should be the DIL doing this stuff, but she doesn’t always,” says Deanna Brann, Ph.D. author of Reluctantly Related Revisited: Breaking Free of the Mother-in-Law/Daughter-in-Law Conflict. That’s your cue, Grandma. Initiating these vital discussions can establish good MIL-DIL connections and pave the way for happier family relationships down the road. Read on for the lowdown.
1. What to call you
When you first establish a relationship with your DIL or DIL-to-be, she may stress over what to name to use for you. If you have a preference, a simple “Call me Joyce” can work wonders. If you don’t, let her take the lead, and remember: It doesn’t have to be traditional, and it doesn’t have to be what you called your mother-in-law.
The same goes for your grandparent name, a.k.a. what your grandchildren will call you. You can wait and see what the kids come up with, or pick your own moniker, like Gigi, Glamma, or G-Money—just make sure youask your son and DIL if it works for them.
Of course, the name is only a part of your MIL-DIL bond. In the beginning stages, “It’s really important that the MIL works on the relationship with a DIL, because that’s going to make all this other stuff much smoother,” says Dr. Brann. “Get to know who she is, let her know that she matters to you outside of her son.”
2. Visiting the new baby
You want to see your newest grandchild as soon as possible, and your DIL knows that. While you shouldn’t presume you’ll be in the delivery room, you can reasonably request some facetime within a few weeks of the birth. “This is a special time for [your son and DIL],” says Dr. Brann. “Give them several options letting them know you’re open to whatever they decide.” Still, make sure they actually decide. “You don’t want to leave it open.” For best results, start the discussion weeks—and even months—before baby comes along, and remember that DIL’s mom will most likely take priority, at least initially.
When you finally arrive, it’s best to play it cool, and lend as big of a helping hand as humanly possible. “Your helping out needs to be dishes, laundry, and cooking,” advises Dr. Brann. “Figure out what you can be doing to help her so she can spend time with the baby.” You’ll endear yourself, and get some quality time with your favorite newborn. Everybody wins.
3. How to handle short visits
Grandparents who live closer to children and grandchildren have a built-in advantage when it comes to family visits. Whether you’re there every day or drop by a few times a month, Dr. Brann has just one rule: “Always call ahead. Always call ahead. That’s just being respectful.” Remember that you’re asking if you can stop in, not alerting your DIL to your impending presence—and that means you might not be welcome at that exact second. “Don’t take it personally if they say no. They have lives, too,” says Dr. Brann. Make plans to see them another time, or invite them out.
4. Where you’ll stay during longer visits
In lots of families, it’s expected that long-term visitors will crash with hosts. However, when you’re first navigating overnight stays with your DIL or SIL, it’s best to play it safe. “Better to just go ahead and say, ‘Let me stay at a hotel,’” says Dr. Brann. “If they say, ‘No, no, no stay here,’ you can do that.” By not assuming you’ll be accommodated, you’re showing you’re respectful of their space.
And if you do end up at hotel? Look at the bright side, says Dr. Brann: “You can spend most of the day with them, and be at their house, but have a place to go where you can regroup.” It’s less stressful, and when you’re with the family, you can concentrate on just having fun.
5. The holidays
Thanksgiving and Christmas. Independence Day and Easter. Passover and Diwali. When it comes to big holidays, your son and DIL should ideally communicate their plans to you. However, if that doesn’t happen (and it often doesn’t), be ready to say something. Dr. Brann suggests an open-ended approach: “You don’t want to come across demanding, but you want to say, ‘I know you guys are trying to figure out the holidays. How do you think you might want to do that, so we can plan based on what you want to do?’” Keep in mind they’re establishing their own traditions, and that both sets of parents must be considered, so a Christmas visit may actually occur closer to New Year’s Day. “It may not actually be on the holiday, but if you give them some time during their holiday, that can be just as good.”
Of course, once kids come along, it’s a whole other story. “The parents may say, ‘Santa is coming. We’re staying here,’” says Dr. Brann. “A MIL has to be willing to be okay. Traditions will change as time goes on.”
6. Babysitting and enforcing rules
Whether it’s occasional babysitting or a full-time child care gig, you must have a discussion with your son and DIL about their expectations of you watching the grandchildren. “It’s really important that the ground rules are well established,” says Dr. Brann, who suggests asking questions like:
- What are your rules?
- How do I handle certain situations?
- How do I handle situations where I disagree with something you say to me?
- If you have an issue with me or I have an issue with you, how are we going to handle it? How do we keep it out of the family dynamic?
Money is another good topic of discussion. If you are being paid, getting the details—frequency, rate, extras, etc.—out up front could save a lot of confusion and heartache down the line.
Special tip: If you’re providing daycare, it’s a good idea to set “Grandma Time” aside with the children, during which you don’t have to worry about parental rules.
7. Money and gifts
News flash: Grandparents like to spoil their grandchildren. Most likely, kids won’t have any problems with this. However, your DIL and son, though they appreciate your generosity, might want to put the brakes on what they view as overindulgence. In any case, it doesn’t hurt to ask before you buy. “”Let’s say every time you see your grandkids, you want to bring a little gift. Check with the parents to see if it’s okay,” suggests Dr. Brann. “It’s always better to ask. It shows respect.” This goes double if you’re buying bigger gifts, like a bike or computer. Be open to pursuing other avenues, too; time spent can create wonderful memories, and money can always be deposited into a 529 college savings account.
Just don’t ever say “I love you”
If you’ve yet to master the alpha-male smirk that makes girls want to take it all off, you probably spend a fair amount of time stumbling through awkward pre-sex conversation. No matter how you swing it, “Uh…should we do this now?” is basically never going to be sexy.
“For any line to work, she has to be predisposed, in some way, to getting naked with you,” says clinical psychiatrist Alicia H. Clark. “A true line only works if she already wants to take her clothes off. At best, a line can establish rapport and show confidence.” So if you’re ready to make the night memorable, here are 10 lines that will get her to take it off—in the right situation.
“You look so hot right now.”
This should be your go-to line, because you can use it in just about any situation—whether she’s wearing a ball gown or a bikini, says Carole Lieberman, M.D., a relationship expert and author of Bad Girls: Why Men Love Them & How Good Girls Can Learn Their Secrets. Saying this makes her feel desirable, and, as long as you’re being sincere, will come off as the ultimate compliment.
“I’d love to see you again when I don’t have to yell!”
Use this one with a girl you’ve just met in a loud environment, such as a bar or a club. This line is the less-creepy version of trying to hustle her out the door with a “Let’s go somewhere … quieter.” “It reduces the creep factor and shows her that you won’t push her and that you have an interest in seeing her again,” says sex expert Nicole Prause, Ph.D.
“Everything about you turns me on.”
Tell her she turns you on and then lead with an unexpected attribute—like her hair, eyes, or curves—so it doesn’t sound too cheesy, says Astroglide sexpert Yvonne K. Fulbright, Ph.D. “No matter what her body type, a woman likes to feel like a woman, and wants her guy to think she encompasses everything positive about that,” Fulbright says. “There’s a certain vulnerability in letting her know that you notice her and that you find her so lovely.”
“You’re so hard to resist.”
Rush in too quickly, and she’ll feel like you do this all the time. Instead, let her know that you’re not really that kind of guy, but you just can’t help yourself with her. “This makes her feel like she’s better than all the other women you’ve dated,” says Lieberman.
“I’ve got a suite for the weekend … I’d love to spend it with you.”
Investing a little can get you a lot, says sex expert April Masini of AskApril.com. “Women love luxury hotels, and hotel sex is an Achilles’ heel for just about everyone,” she says. “Make her feel like she’s the cherished guest, and you’ll score a lot more easily than if you’re bringing her back to your house.”
“I’ll do the dishes.”
Getting naked is a sign of vulnerability and trust, according to Clark. So in order for her to want to be naked, she has to feel safe. While there are plenty of ways to make her feel safe, an easy way is to take care of the things she needs doing, such as chores and errands, especially if she’s been feeling stressed out.
“I’m not just after sex.”
“This works because it’s exactly the question she’s wrestling with,” Lieberman says. “’Is he just after sex, or does he really like me?’” But remember—don’t make promises you can’t keep like making the relationship more of a commitment, because you’ll have to answer to them once the sex is over.
“You’re the sexiest woman in the world to me.”
It’s similar to the first line, but it plays more into her sensuality and her seductiveness. Note how you’re not saying she’s the sexiest woman in the world, but the sexiest woman in the world…to you…right now. “It’s simple and sincere, and highlights your arousal without being too disrespectful, blunt, or forward,” says Fulbright.
“Let me walk you to your car.”
“Both men and women have fears about sex, but women especially are at a greater risk for getting infections and being assaulted,” says Prause. “Any communication you provide that shows a genuine concern for her safety should promote intimacy.” Walking her to her car—or to her door—is a low-risk, chivalrous way to show her that you’re the kind of guy who will look out for her both in and out of the bedroom.
“Let’s wait … I want it to be really special.”
Ironically, saying something like this is enough to make her feel extraordinary and want to jump into bed sooner, says Lieberman. Just make sure that you don’t push it at all if she agrees and wants to wait, because you’ll look like a liar.
- 5 Minute Read
“Mom, if a boy grabs my butt, is it okay if I slap him in the face?” my 13-year old daughter asked as we drove to her lesson.
“Um, what?” I replied hastily. “Did this happen to you?” Waves of panic started to wash over me as I tried to watch both the road and her face for telling signs.
“No, but I think it happened to some girls at school, and one of them said she would slap a boy across the face if he pinched her butt, so I wondered if that is what I should do if it ever happened to me.”
I sighed and looked at the sweet child sitting next to me. Like many girls her age, she is a young soul dressed up in a woman’s body. Her question is valid. The odds of a male touching her inappropriately in the next few years are quite high.
“Well, what do you think you should do?” I countered, trying to get a feel for what she thought about this issue.
“I’d want to punch him, but I wouldn’t want to get in trouble at school—or by you.”
And there it was: my people-pleasing daughter more concerned with following the rules than protecting herself.
I could relate. I’m a people pleaser. It’s something I am working to change, but old habits die hard, and this one is tough to break.
I don’t like to rock the boat or inconvenience people. I get embarrassed when someone points out that I didn’t follow the rules. I often ask permission to do things I know to be right. I hate confrontation.
Unfortunately, my daughter is the same way. She gets anxiety if she is running late for school. She panics if she forgets her gym clothes or her homework. She worries that she will be embarrassed in front of her classmates if her assignment isn’t correctly done. She follows the rules to a tee.
But the problem when we raise girls like this is when there are no rules to follow, we get stuck in the muck of inaction. We don’t yell for help because we think we are at fault. We accept someone’s behavior because it is easier for us to sweep under the rug then face talking about it. We would rather deal with internal shame then the public embarrassment.
I thought back to the times I didn’t say anything to the co-worker whose hands were just a little too low on my backside as we entered a boardroom. I remembered when a football player wouldn’t let me out of a corner in a club by keeping his hands firmly on my shoulders. I recalled when a client patted me on the butt after a presentation.
I thought by not saying anything I was just going with the flow, but the thought of my daughter going through similar situations made my stomach turn.
For girls with a strong sense of self and empowerment, passivity in the face of an assault is a foreign concept. But for people pleasers, going against the grain is difficult and painful. I could feel my daughter’s inner turmoil in my bones because we shared this genetic predisposition.
So, I decided to provide my daughter with something tangible she could latch onto in moments where someone, male or female, physically intimidated or assaulted her. I gave her permission—permission to act, permission to protect herself, permission to be bold.
“If a male ever touches you inappropriately anywhere on your body, and you protect yourself, you will never be in trouble with me. I can’t guarantee what the school will do, but you will never get punished by your parents,” I told her.
“Really?” she asked.
“And even more than that, if you ever feel threatened by a male where you think you are in danger, you knee him in the balls and run. You yell. You scream for help at the top of your lungs. The only person who is wrong in that situation is the man who is inappropriate, the only one who should be embarrassed is him.”
My daughter laughed, but then noticed my serious expression.
“You have my permission—no, my insistence—that you protect yourself. My number one rule is that your safety comes first,” I said.
I glanced over at this beautiful creature and saw her eyes looking fierce, an expression I rarely see in this gentle soul.
“Yeah, OK,” she replied. “I feel a little more ready now. Just in case.”
And I exhaled deeply in relief.
I know my daughter is aware of the perils in this world. I try to prepare her for how to manage dangerous situations or how to avoid them altogether. But I also worry she is too polite, too complicit, too fearful of getting in trouble to ruffle feathers—even when it comes to protecting herself.
As parents, we can only try to understand our kids’ personalities and arm their young minds with the tools necessary to defend themselves if needed.
And sometimes that means giving permission to kick a guy in the balls.
Talking to your Parents about Sex
You probably think that talking to your parents about sex is impossible. You’re not alone. 83% of kids your age are afraid to ask their parents about sex. Yet 51% of teens actually do. Why? It’s a fact that teens who talk with their parents about sex are less likely to become pregnant because they’re more likely to use contraception or protection when they become sexually active.
Kids are not only talking to their parents about sex, but they’re also benefiting from conversations they were afraid to have in the first place! The truth is that most parents want to help their kids make smart decisions about sex. They know it’s vital for teens to have accurate information and sound advice to aid the decision-making process.
Not my parents!
Before you rule out talking to your parents, ask yourself these two questions:
If you think your parents are nervous about raising the issue, you’re probably right. Many parents think that if they acknowledge their child as a sexual being, their son or daughter will think it’s okay to go ahead and have sex. They might also be afraid that if they don’t have all the answers, they’ll look foolish. Some parents have said they’re afraid kids will ask personal questions about their sex life, questions they won’t want to answer.
Think about all the adults in your life. Is there someone else’s parent . . . a teacher or guidance counselor, coach, aunt, uncle, neighbor or another adult you instinctively trust? That’s the person who will give you straight answers.
If you’re still not convinced it’s a good idea to talk to an adult, consider this:
- Your parents (or any other adult) are sexual beings themselves, and at one time in their life, they had to make the same decisions you’re struggling with right now.
- Your friends really don’t know any more than you do, no matter what they say about their sexual experience.
- The Internet and other media can’t give you everything you need. Only people who know you can do that.
Now that you know why it’s important to ask a caring adult about sex, you need to know how to ask the questions.
How to Ask Your Parents about Sex
- Try to pick a time when neither of you is in a hurry or a bad mood. “Not now” is not the answer you’re shooting for.
- Choose a place that’s comfortable and private. Your bedroom, the car or a park are all good options. The idea is to minimize distractions and interruptions.
- The best way to ensure that your side of the discussion will be respected is to show respect to theirs. It’s natural for you to have differing opinions; acknowledge it and respond tactfully: “I want to think more about what you’ve said. Can I ask you a different question?”
- Be polite. Good manners help keep the conversation on a high level of respect and can even elevate it to a higher level, especially if one of you says or does something “wrong.”
- Be truthful. What’s the point in asking questions if you don’t want real answers? Besides, you know what happens when you’re not honest. Somehow, sometime it comes back to haunt you. So just say what you mean.
- Be direct. If you want to know about birth control or sexually transmitted diseases or infections (STDs/STIs) infections or homosexuality or any other sensitive issue, ask. The only way to get a clear answer is to ask a question clearly.
- Listen. You might be surprised by how much they know and how good their advice is.
- “I heard someone say. ” (Fill in the blank with your question.) Then follow with: “Is that true?”
- “Some of the kids at school are doing. (Fill in the blank again.) I want to know what you think.”
- “I saw this. (movie/TV show/article/ad) about. (Yup, fill in the blank again). What does it mean?”
- “What was dating like when you were my age?”
- “Did your friends try to pressure you into having sex or doing something you didn’t like?”
- “Our sex-ed teacher told us about. (You know what to do here.) and I have questions I’d rather ask you.”
- “I’m worried about my friend (Don’t fill in the blank.) and want to help him/her. What do you think I should I do?”
- “I’m wondering what the right age is to have sex. Can we talk about it?”
Talking about sex with a parent or another caring adult shouldn’t be a one-time, big talk. Instead, turn it into an ongoing dialog by leaving the door open for further discussion. Thank your mother, father, or whoever you talk to for taking the time to help.
And remember: Your sexual journey is just beginning. You have time to consider your options and people to help you make healthy decisions. Take advantage of both. Be one of the “lucky” ones who listens, learns, and loves wisely.
All Pro Dad
I escaped it for 17 years of parenthood, but the odds were always stacked against me. I have two beautiful and intelligent daughters, and eventually a boy smart enough to see it was going to come calling. We’ve raised them to seek their identity in the things that matter and not in the superficial, so they are somewhat intimidating to young men. Good! But sooner or later a boy of equal substance was going to show up, and now he has. Do I even have dating rules ready? I’d better.
My daughter and her boyfriend spend almost every free moment they have in our house. They both have busy schedules, but if they aren’t learning or working, they are in our home. They love to cook together in our kitchen and try out new recipes. They turn on the music and sing, dance, and make a bunch of the healthy-type of food that is so popular today. It’s all pretty cute.
Interestingly, this young man is aggressive in his desire for me to know him and vice versa. This isn’t at all the new modern type of teenage dating where they hang out in groups and go through levels of “talking.” What’s taking place is a good old fashioned courting process. The young man’s mother did a very good job teaching manners and etiquette to her son. He ate with us at Easter and even brought flowers and a dessert. We’ve been impressed with his behavior. That said, this is still my daughter we’re talking about and I’m not naïve. He might be a well-adjusted young man full of the right things, but I was not at his age, and I know all the angles. I’m not proud of my years as a teenage boy, but as a parent I have a wealth of experience to draw upon. The hardest task is not to project my experiences on these two when they are not doing anything wrong.
What should we expect from our teenagers when they start dating? Here are my dating rules.
1. Keep it in Perspective
When two people connect in such a way, it’s difficult to not get carried away with what’s going on. For teenagers, perspective isn’t the easy thing to begin with. When they are dating, it can get distorted in a hurry. As a parent, stay on top of the feelings and things being discussed. You’re dating in high school. Keep it right there. The future will take care of itself.
2. Accept Each Other
My daughter is a unique individual. She’s naturally beautiful and reaches a stunning level when she wants to. But she’ll not use her looks to attract people. She wants people to like the “weird” things about her. I love that trait in her. Accept each other as is, and in the process, you’ll learn good things from each other.
3. Keep the Door Open
We all know why. There will be none of that.
4. Spend Time with Your Parents
In this case as I’ve explained, that’s not an issue with my daughter and her boyfriend. But if it was, I’d say something. If you’re avoiding us, you’re hiding something.
5. PDA Control
They are cuddly with each other. I cringe. No father likes to see his daughter cuddled with a boy. Control the public displays of affection and in private too. I know you’re going to kiss, but I sure don’t want to see it.
In all its forms and all its meanings. Show my daughter the respect she deserves, and she’s been taught to treat you the same way. Chances are high that this relationship will eventually come to an end. When proper respect has been observed the entire time, that moment will be a lot easier and far less messy. This is a dangerous age where everything we do is put under a microscope. Stay on the high road and never leave it.
7. Obey all Curfews and Rules
11:30 means 11:30. No exceptions. And no, you can’t go out of town together to see a concert. Unless I’m invited too.
8. For the Parents – Trust Your Efforts
We spent all those years teaching and instilling values. Trust them until it’s proven they can’t be trusted. Uncalled for intervention might result in exactly what you’re trying to prevent.
Huddle Up Question
Huddle up with your teen and the person they are dating, and clearly give them your expectations.
Last Updated On June 10, 2021 By Letter Writing Leave a Comment
A request letter is written on any occasion when someone wants to politely ask for information, a favor or permission for a particular matter. It is an official document that shows the intention of requesting something like a document, details, permission or assistance. It is written by an individual or entity.
Such a letter is addressed to a person or the relevant authority in an institution, company or entity.
A request letter is important to politely express the legitimate demands that one would like to be met by the reader. This letter enables one to air their views, grievances, or requests in writing.
A request letter can be used as a document for reference in the future. One can also use this letter to request for an adjustment or changes to correct a situation.
Table of Contents
Tips for writing a request letter
- Explain precisely what your request is
- Mention the reason for the request
- Use polite language and a professional tone
- Demonstrate respect and gratitude to the reader
- The content of the letter should be official
- You may provide contact information where you can be reached
- You can refer to particular rules, guidelines or policies
- Enclose documents to support your request if applicable
- Be brief and straight forward
Request Letter Template
It is appropriate to request for permission to do something or to go somewhere from your employer. Check out our free request letter template and sample letters that will help you get started.
Date (date on which letter is written)
My name is ____________ a representative of ____________. I write this letter to request your response on a survey that we are doing for ____________ project. We believe that you are a stakeholder in the ____________ community and the feedback you give us will inform development of the project.
We are doing research on ____________ in your locality aiming at improving the living standards of the community. We wish to request you to respond to ____________ general questions in this survey. I assure you that this questionnaire does not have any personal questions and all responses given are confidential.
Kindly find the attached survey form with relevant questions attached herewith for your consideration. Please fill all the questions and return the filled and signed questionnaire to our email ____________. We hope to have your responses by the latest ____________ so that we have sufficient time to analyze the responses from the major stakeholders.
Kindly consider our request and fill the survey to promote the implementation of the project.
Thank you for your assistance in advance.
Date (Date on which letter is written)
This is to bring to your kind consideration that I hold a saving account in your bank A/c no. ______________. I have recently issued a cheque to my supplier as a payment for his goods. Cheque no. is ___________ dated _____________, but due to some reason, he has misplaced the same. I kindly request you to do the stop payment of the same.
I would be grateful to you if you could do the needful at the earliest.
Request Letter Samples
A request letter should demonstrate politeness and professionalism. Here is a sample request letter that will guide you through writing an official and polite letter to the school administration.
60 Wagon Avenue
Lebanon, PA 17042
Date:____________ (Date on which letter is written)
7874 Lees Creek Street
Concord, NH 03301
Sub; Request letter for salary
My name is Alyson Osborn a new employee in the dispatch department with Kevian Industries. I hereby write this letter to bring to your kind attention that I have not received my salary for the past two months.
I started working in your company on 1 st September 2019 and I was put on probation for three months. According to my contract letter, it is clearly stated that my salary would be started after the successful completion of the probation period. Please find the contract letter attached herewith for your reference. I wish to request for my January and February salary.
Kindly take up this matter with the relevant department so that I can receive my salary. I depend on the salary for all my needs and this delay is constraining me financially. Please address this matter with urgency and resolve this issue at your earliest.
Thank you in advance.
Date (Date on which letter is written)
Sub: Requesting for stop payment of cheque no. 000098 dated 27th July
Dear Mr. Pereira,
This is to bring to your kind attention that I hold a savings account in your prestigious Bank A/c no. 0097895643. I have recently issued a cheque to my client, no. 000098 dated 27th July, but unfortunately, my accounts department told me that the amount in your bank is not sufficient for the cheque. Thereby, I request you to please make the stop payment of the cheque. I will also intimate my client regarding the inconvenience caused to him from our end.
I will be very grateful to you if you could take prompt action regarding this matter.
Mr. John Abraham
Request Letter Email Formats
Are you thinking of writing a letter to request something from your employer and have no idea where to start? Here is a request letter in an email format that will guide you through writing an official request letter.
Dear Ms. Aguirre,
I hereby write to request for an internship in your company BIDCO Engineers. I wish to request for a three months internship from June to August 2020 to improve my practical skills in engineering.
I am interested in learning and acquiring experience in safety equipment installation, plumbing, drainage as well as other services provided by your company. I have skills in architecture and planning of building layouts that are relevant to the work of your company.
I have graduated with a bachelor’s degree in civil engineering from Dortmund University. I believe that your company is the best place to learn and gain relevant experience in my profession. I will ensure the skills and experience that I gain from this internship will make a great contribution to achieving the values of your company. Kindly find my relevant academic documents to support my request.
Please let me know if you have an opening during this period. I welcome any opportunity for an interview with you to discuss your expectations for such a position. I would highly appreciate to work with and learn from your team of experts. It is my sincere hope that you will consider my request.
A request letter can be written on various occasions to politely ask for something. Such a letter should demonstrate politeness, respect, and professionalism. A request letter contains details about the request, the reason for making the request, and demonstrates gratitude to the reader.
Ensure to use official content and a polite tone. You may include documents to support your request letter. Additionally, keep the letter precise and concise.