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How to adjust to being a boy when you really want to be a girl

This article was co-authored by Shahpar Mirza. Shahpar Mirza is a Community Transgender Expert who began his transition from female-to-male (FTM) starting in 2016. He has had hormone replacement therapy since 2017 and underwent a double mastectomy (top surgery) in April 2018. Through experiences such as working for the Queer Student Resources Center at Stanford University, he is passionate about spreading more awareness about the transgender community and clarifying common misconceptions people may have. He received his BS in Product Design from Stanford University in 2019.

There are 9 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.

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Transitioning from a female to male can be a truly gratifying experience. It’s also a lengthy and potentially complicated process. As you begin to transition, come out to friends and family as transgender. You’ll need their support! You can then transition socially by changing your clothing and grooming habits. If you want to medically transition, find a doctor you trust and begin hormone therapy. It’s important to follow your doctor’s advice about any kind of medical treatment. Finally, decide if you want to transition surgically.

Your heart was set on having a girl (or a boy), but genetics decided otherwise. It’s perfectly normal to feel disappointed. Here’s what to expect if you’re currently suffering from gender-reveal blues.

Right around your 20-week appointment, people will inevitably ask, "Are you hoping for a boy or a girl?" You say you simply want a healthy baby, even though you're secretly wishing for a particular sex. Then the ultrasound reveals the results, and you pretend to be thrilled even though you're heartbroken. It's a feeling that Katherine Asbery, author of Altered Dreams: Living With Gender Disappointment, knows well.

Katherine hoped her second child would be a girl, but instead she had another boy. Before getting pregnant for the third time, she tried tactics found online to help her conceive a girl— eating yogurt to change her pH balance, taking hot baths with her husband to alter his sperm, etc. When she discovered that she'd be having yet another boy, she "cried and cried and cried," she says. "Then I felt guilty."

Like Asbery, many women have sobbed during their big ultrasound, but there are ways to cope with your mixed feelings. Here's how to deal with gender disappointment and get excited about the sex of your future child.

Accept Your Negative Emotions

The first step toward moving forward is recognizing your gender disappointment. It's always best to be honest with yourself, says Stephan Quentzel, M.D., a psychiatrist specializing in pregnancy and childbirth issues at Mount Sinai Beth Israel Medical Center, in New York City. "It can sound ugly to say, 'I wanted a boy and not a girl,' because you're expected to love the child no matter what," he says. But it's normal if you're not immediately thrilled.

Additionally, don't feel ashamed if your sadness shows to other people. "Many women make sure they dry their eyes, fix their makeup, and plant a smile on their face before they leave the ultrasound room," says psychiatric nurse Joyce Venis, author of Postpartum Depression Demystified. But if you don't eventually let your emotions show, it'll be harder to keep your negative thoughts under wraps.

"Feelings aren't good or bad or right or wrong—they're just feelings," Venis says. So acknowledge them out loud to yourself and to your partner, and let him do the same. If you're unable to discuss this with him, consult a therapist or confide in a nonjudgmental friend instead.

Find a Reason for the Gender Disappointment

Ask yourself why you feel the way you do. Are you upset because you grew up with brothers and pictured living-room wrestling matches and games of flag football with a son? Did you imagine going shopping and doing crafts with your little girl? Keep in mind that the daughter you're having might be a rough-and-tumble gal who's a standout on the field—or perhaps you'll give birth to a creative, art-loving boy who's disinterested in sports. What's more, even if Baby-to-be has your preferred gender, he might not have a personality that conforms to gender norms.

Perhaps your letdown stems from doubts about being a first-time parent. "A lot of it is fear—stuff like, 'I don't know how to play baseball, so how can I teach my son?' " Venis says. "You don't have to know, and you don't have to like playing with Barbie dolls to raise a girl. You will learn what you need to as you go along."

If you're really worried, make plans with friends or relatives who have kids of that sex, so you can explore the experience that's ahead of you, Dr. Quentzel suggests. For example, if you're having a boy, make an effort to spend some one-on-one time with a friend's son. And ask your sister plenty of questions about how raising her son has been different from raising her daughter.

Trust Your Ability to Love

Realize that any discontented, guilty feelings you have won't last forever. During pregnancy, all you know about your baby is his or her sex. Once your little bundle arrives, you'll have the whole package—which includes a personality and quirky traits. "Gender disappointment typically only lasts until your child's birth day, when you finally meet each other," says Diane Ross Glazer, Ph.D., a psychotherapist at Providence Tarzana Medical Center, in Tarzana, California. In fact, oxytocin, the powerful hormone that your brain releases during labor, helps you fall hopelessly in love with your baby.

This was certainly true for Asbery. "My children are a blessing to me," she says. "Each of my boys is different, and each of them brings something fantastic to our family."

The Sims 4 is all about following the lives of your sims, designing their home, and basically controlling every aspect of their life. Watching your Sims get pregnant and start a family is always fun, but sometimes the whole process takes too long, you end up with a boy rather than a girl, or you just want twins. Well, here are all The Sims 4 pregnancy cheats you’ll want to use.

Turning on TestingCheats

The various cheats regarding pregnancy in Sims 4 require you to enable TestingCheats in the command console. To do this on PC press Ctrl + Shift + C, on Mac it’s Command + Shift + C, and for Xbox One and PS4, you want to press and hold down R1/RB, R2/ RT, L1/ LB, and L2/ LT all at the same time.

After doing this, type in ‘testingcheats’ and hit enter or confirm it on console. You’ll now be able to use all of the different pregnancy cheats for Sims 4 that we’ve listed down below.

All Sims 4 Pregnancy Cheats

Below are all the current pregnancy cheats that are currently available in The Sims 4.

Getting a Sim Pregnant and in Labor

The main cheat you’ll probably want to know is the one which makes any Sim or ghost get pregnant and immediately start going into labor. To do this, simply open up the command console as noted above and enter the following “sims.add_buff Pregnancy_InLabor”. After doing this, simply select the Sim you’d like to get pregnant and they’ll immediately go into labor.

Choosing the Gender

If you really want your Sims’ unborn child to be a particular gender, there are ways within the game you can force it to be either a boy or a girl. For a boy, you want to eat carrots and listen to alternative music on the radio. For a girl, you want to eat strawberries and listen to pop music. Doing these things during pregnancy will massively increase the odds of the baby being that gender.

Changing Gender of Baby – Sims 4 Pregnancy Cheats

Should the suggested tip above not work for you, you can always change the gender of a baby (or any Sim for that matter) with the help of cheats. Open up the console command and type “cas.fulleditmode”.

Upon doing this, press Shift + left click on the Sim you want to edit. You can now edit their name, gender, traits, and age. Which is handy if you want to make them grow up faster.

Twins & Triplets Pregnancy Cheat in The Sims 4

If you’re looking to have multiple children off once pregnancy, you’ll need to first get your Sim ID. To do this, select the Sim you want to have twins or triples and enter the following in console commands, “sims.get_sim_id_by_name”. You’ll get a long number, make a note of this, because you’ll need it again in a second.

Before doing this next bit, make sure you save your game. Afterwards, you then need to open up the console once again and enter, “pregnancy.force_offspring_count (insert Sim ID here) (insert number of children you want here)”. As such, it should look something like this “pregnancy.force_offspring_count 1234567891011 3” if you wanted triplets.

Remember to keep your household limit in mind when using this cheat. You’re only allowed eight Sims per household, so if you’ve already got two, the most children you can have would be six.

Max Out Romance Cheat

If you’d rather not use the induced labor cheat noted above and make the pregnancy happen a bit more naturally in The Sims 4, you can always use this cheat to max out the romance stats. To do this, you’ll need the names of both your Sim, and the one you want them to have a baby with. Then, enter the following into the console commands:

“modifyrelationship (Sim 1 name here) (Sim 2 name here) 99 Romance_main”

Upon entering this, play out some of the various romance interactions in the game and eventually the option to “Try for a Baby” should appear. Do this, and sooner or later you’ll have a pregnant Sim and the start of a happy family.

That’s everything you need to know about The Sims 4’s pregnancy cheats. For more on The Sims 4, be sure to check out our Island Living cheats, how to become a Mermaid, the best mods you have to try, and more.

How to adjust to being a boy when you really want to be a girl

Again, as already mentioned here, i cannot speak on behalf of all the girls & women but can certainly tell you from personal experience that i have not got turned by just liking a man. that means not really being attracted to them & just liking them as a person.

However, in the past i became close to a guy friend i had. Though things never proceeded further than a kiss with him. but everytime he held my hand or i could feel his breath on my face or his manly smell or whilst we kissed. i would feel myself getting very wet down below. to the point i wouldn't be able to walk properly & would need to go to the bathroom to wash myself. That was many years ago and i was young, about 21 so im assuming it was my bodies way of responding to the proximity of the opposite gender and wanting to engage in further activity.

However, about 5 months ago i joined a course in which i have noticed the male teacher has been displaying a lot of interest in me. Though he's much older and not terribly good looking. the power trip of his maturity, his wisdom, his knowledge, his masculinity has been very exhilarating for me. He displayed a sign of affection towards me (after i gave him a thank you card for his help) by slowly planting a kiss on my forehead & cheek all the time with his hands cupped around my jaw /face. he looking into my eyes whilst holding onto my face but i politely pulled back. Just thinking about this, the way he smiles at me, the way he looks at me has been driving me insane lately. Any quiet moment i drift off thinking about him and i have been getting very very wet down below just imagining him being close to me or holding me in his arms. It was actually quite bewildering for me after i realised how badly wet i was getting just thinking about someone. I'm not even sexually thinking about him. it's just him as a person and how he behaves towards me and his affection which is making it difficult for me down below ! It's my constant thoughts about him which are leading me to being intensely attracted to him & making my body respond in this way.

Is this at home or with others who feel nakedness is alright? If so I think you should just get used to it yourself. A boy his age is aroused about 90% of the time and there is nothing wrong with that so don’t make him feel like he has anything to hide.

Guest over a year ago

Guest over a year ago

It sounds like your son is simply doing the same thing that he grew up doing.
When you decided to let him have naked times at home you no doubt told home when he could do it.
Now that he has hit puberty and is getting frequent erections it sounds like your the only one that has an issue with it.
He shouldn’t be made to feel like he is doing anything wrong frequent erections are part of puberty and they happen often and not always because of sexual issues.

Maybe you could workout a compromise with him that he does his naked time in his room.
He is comfortable with his body and has no issue with being seen he she not be made feel bad about being naked since it makes you feel uncomfortable.
If he is masturbating in front of you he should be encouraged to do that in private.
He is just doing the same thing he has always been allowed to do he shouldn’t be forced to change that.
Just talk to him about maybe changing where he does his naked time rather than making him stop.

Guest over a year ago

Guest over a year ago

Guest over a year ago

prudish proof over a year ago

njoynlife over a year ago

bracing ingrate over a year ago

Trust me its normal my aut bro gets them when i or my mom bath him and he pees. Lol

swish vane over a year ago

swish vane over a year ago

Your son needs to be free with his parents, brother, and sister. Family members need to take an extra mile of support for each other. We live in a fear world of what others will say. There nothing wrong with you see his body (naked) and see what his body does. There is nothing wrong with you as a mother being interest in his masturbation or erection. You can touch it but ask him first. The more open he can be with family members removes him from going to places he should not be. Beware of girls and women who will take advance of him, and that where you need to keep a close eye on him.

All mothers have feelings for their sons. You, not a pervert, not gross, and you are not nasty. If you have a daughter, it is excellent for her to see all the wonders that go on with your son’s body. Remember those male genitals are on the outside, so that means they are more notices then us females genitals, Remember it his home also, and that means if you have a mother and her daughters over that, he can still be naked in the house. You have to let them know ahead of time that your son does not wear many clothes.

I have learned over

The reason why we women gossip so much is because of our sexuality. We females are turned on sexual human beings with strong sexual urges. We get arousal easy, and that why we call other sex names to protect ourselves in what we do. Every mother has feelings for their son’s genitals and that normal. Every mother enjoyed seeing her son naked and what his body does. Every mother has touched their son’s genital. Sisters have feelings for their brother’s genitals and have explored them because this is how females are, and it will never change. Female genitals as the labia kps enlarge, the clitoris grows, and the vagina walls get very hard. We females get wet with physical touch. You got wet many times in the past with your son in hugging him, massaging him, bathing him.

Ever wonder why some

Mothers make a case of mothers who bring in their sons into the female changing room. These women claim the boys are looking at them sexually, but it the women who got arousal with the boy’s body. We females need to stop putting up a smokescreen about our sexuality. Boys know that mothers get arousal with them, and most boys understand. The boys know what we what to see, and they are willing to letting you know what you what to see. Boys know that the erection business means a lot to us females. That way, your son is so open to you with his erection.

Do not make a case of him being what he is – if he did not what you to see all of this that he would ben hide it from you from the first day. Your son feels good about you and does not might you being a part of his maleness. There is a powerful bond here with your son, and as a mother, you need to relax and enjoy the beauty of his body and be apart of it. Always asks before you do anything. Asking opens many doors. Your son asks you to help him with masturbation that you can do it. If he asks you to help him with bathing him, that is great. Remember, you do not want him to get hook-up with the wrong type of girls. Your job is to see that his needs are taking care of by being involved in his life.

You must be a single mother, and your son is your only child. You need to take a serious interest in his life with others. It will be cool if you know a single mother who has a daughter around his age. They both can be a blessing to each other and have the strong support of both parents of both families. Because of the openness, he has with you that another mother and her daughter would be blessed. I feel that your son would be excellent support for another person (girl) where she can learn about the male body, and he can learn about the girl’s body carefully.

I am a mother with two sons and two daughters that we are a nudists family. We see the very thing that goes on with each other. My preteen son will lay his head on my lap by facing my body. I will be rubbing his back, and he can see what my genitals are doing. He can see the labia lips enlarge, the hood enlarge, and the clitoris enlarge. He smiles with great joy in what my body does. He bends over to kiss it and let me know it excellent, and you are a normal mother.

My preteen son has a close female friend who sees each other naked and sees the wonders of each other bodies. She has laid her head on his lap, facing his genitals. My son is rubbing his girlfriend back, and she can see the sizes and shapes of his genitals changing right in front of her. He is uncut of his foreskin, which means she can see it hanging off the tip of his penis and see it slide back behind the head of the penis as his penis get an erection. They both have sexual urges, and they both have helped each other with release many times. The mother of the girl loves my son for being the right friend to her daughter. Do other mothers get feelings for other mother’s sons? Yes, they do, and it will never stop. I allow him to spend the night at their homes. I have a very high level of trust in this mother and her daughter. Does the girl’s mother see him naked at her house? Yes, the mother sees him naked there also along with her daughter. They are also nudists. Has the girl done oral on my son? Yes, she has, and my son has done oral on her. My son knows the sexual needs of us females. It very important we females have the right boys and men to take care of us

How to adjust to being a boy when you really want to be a girl

Wearing bright, Crayola-colored dresses and five-inch heels, eight perfectly coiffed women sit across from each other, their legs demurely crossed to the side, and begin debating the merits of diesel fuel over natural gas for 18-gear freightliner trucks—while deciding on the easiest way to get in and out of one in a short skirt. “You step up onto the board runner,” says Andrea, 49, a former construction worker and tractor trailer driver. “Then you sit down, knees together, and swing your legs inside the car.”

As the women continue to chatter, complimenting each other on their choice of bra (“It’s Spanx! So it hooks in the front,” comments one), while discussing the differences between designer stilettos (“I prefer Jimmy Choo over Christian Louboutin,” says another), their matriarch Ellen Weirich declares that today, they will be learning how to walk gracefully in heels.

How to adjust to being a boy when you really want to be a girl

This month, the 47-year-old mother-of-three, who goes by Lady Ellen, is celebrating the tenth anniversary of Le Femme Finishing School, where from her house in New Jersey she has taught thousands of transgender women how to be, and act like, “ladies.” Her services, priced between $30 and $200, include makeup tutorials, image and style consultations, deportment and etiquette classes, and lessons in “passing” as femme: learning how to prepare, present, and carry oneself in order to blend in with other women in public.

How to adjust to being a boy when you really want to be a girl

One by one, the women at today’s workshop do their best to strut across Lady Ellen’s living room as she films them from afar. Later, they are able to evaluate their own movements and decide what they would like to change. “Learning to walk in a new way, a feminine way, takes a lot of practice,” Lady Ellen says reassuringly.

During the class, the more experienced women challenge each other aggressively (“Your arms are too far apart,” “Stand up straight,” “You rise like you’re getting off a horse. Don’t do that.”), and with metaphorically puffed chests, they take the criticisms like men—that is to say, without the clichéd sensitivity society usually reserves for women, and attempt to digest each tip as best they can. For relatively new Le Femme member Charlene, a 52-year-old machinist who makes steel parts for a living, Lady Ellen is going over the basics: put your shoulders back, lead from the hips, walk with your feet close together, brush your hands against your sides, swing your arms, and relax your elbows. “It doesn’t feel natural,” says Charlene, who came out for the first time last year. “Well, it’s not supposed to feel natural,” counters Lady Ellen. “You walk like a man; that’s natural to you. This is a feminine walk.”

How to adjust to being a boy when you really want to be a girl

“Isn’t teaching long-ingrained stereotypes of what society thinks a woman ‘should’ be a little backward?”

Echoing Hari’s response, Andrea, who in the 30 years of being “out” as a woman has had to ward off stalkers, death threats, and public bullying, agrees that many transgender women dress to fit in out of fear. “Sometimes you stand out because your makeup is not quite perfect, so you practice and you practice. Or your walk may not be as eloquent as it’s supposed to be, and someone will say, ‘Oop there’s a tell.’ So you’re always paranoid, you’re always wondering if somebody will notice,” she explains. “You’re very conscious of what people around you are saying, what they’re doing, their gestures, and what they’re looking at. Because they will not only judge, but actually attack you with verbal and physical harm.”

How to adjust to being a boy when you really want to be a girl

But the women are also quick to point out how much they love the spectacle of dressing: the clothes, the makeup, the high-fashion accessories; and with it, their ability to construct a vision of themselves they had long kept from the outside world. “We just want to be pretty, inside and out. I think that really sums it up,” Veronica, a retired chemical engineer, says to a chorus of curls nodding in agreement. For Reena, who came out nearly ten years ago but continues to work as a male repairing medical machines in hospitals and doctors’ offices, it is being able to fall asleep in a pair of high heels that brings her the most joy. “I love shopping for shoes at Nordstrom, Lord & Taylor, and Bloomingdale’s,” she says, admitting that she has five closets, plus 100-feet of clothes in her basement.

Four-year-old Bradley emerges from the dramatic-play area with a purse full of treasures. Tomas teases, "Only girls or mommies carry purses!" Bradley says emphatically, "I am not girl! I am a boy!"

In the prekindergarten years, children are developing a strong sense of self and of their identities as boys and girls. It's perfectly normal for boys to want to engage in "boy" activities and for girls to want to do "girl" things, but it's also important to help children see that activities needn't be restricted by gender.

Sorting Things Out

By age 3, children know whether they are boys or girls. But because their thinking is concrete, their understanding of gender is limited to behavior and physical appearance. Fours, in particular, use such features as clothing and length of hair to distinguish gender.

At about this age, children may still have uncertainties about gender. For example, they're not sure whether a boy stays a boy or changes into a girl as he grows up. Some older fours and fives seem to realize that, based on their unchanging anatomy, they're permanently male or female. This often leads to a natural curiosity about private body parts.

Developmental Differences

Children's level of development affects their attitudes toward gender roles and activities. Most threes don't care if Ronald wants to play with dolls or if Debbie builds with big blocks.

Many fours, though, prefer playing with same-sex peers and can be strongly influenced by and judgmental of playmates' clothes, accessories, and toys. Because of this, their behavior might seem rigid, even in dramatic play. Girls can clean house, but they can't be soldiers. Boys can be train engineers but can't bake cookies – or carry a purse.

Tomas's teasing of Bradley indicates that he's trying to make sense of gender differences by defining what he views as male and female. You can help children learn to respect individual differences by exposing them to non-stereotypical models.

What You Can Do

Offer gender-neutral materials. In the dramatic play area, provide fabrics that encourage imaginative, non-stereotyped play. In the block area, include building materials that appeal to both girls and boys.

Set up your room to encourage opportunities for everyone. Place areas often dominated by girls or boys, such as the housekeeping and block corners, next to each other to promote the sharing of materials, ideas, and activities.

Consider your own attitudes. Do you discourage a take-charge little girl? Do you respond more often to a noisy boy than to a compliant girl? Try to be sure that the messages you give are nonsexist, non-stereotyped, and supportive of the activities and roles children explore as they develop their own identities.

5 to 6 From "Me" to "We" by Ellen Booth Church

A conversation between Derek and Samantha, overheard in the block area: "You can't play with us. Girls don't build cars, only boys can!"

"Oh yeah? Well, my mom's a mechanic. She says we all have equal rights!" "What? What does that mean?" "It means I can play too!"

You may have heard similar conversations in your classroom as children tried out gender roles and used stereotypes to include or exclude others. Despite parents' and teachers' best efforts to avoid gender stereotyping, almost all children go through a stage of categorizing activities and personal styles by gender. However, this is more related to kindergartners' developmental needs to categorize their world than to any long-term social convictions.

Defining Gender Roles

In kindergarten, more than at any other time, children define their identities by how they look. And how they look is influenced not only by taste, but by gender roles as well. Some girls will only wear clothing and accessories of a certain color. Many young girls believe that looking pretty-and, unfortunately, thin-is part of being female.

Boys are also aware of appearance. Wearing the right kind of sneakers or T-shirt and sporting a "cool" haircut make them feel part of the male "club."

In kindergarten, children begin to create a clearer definition of self – who they are as playmates, learners, helpers, boys, or girls. This is the time when most children become aware of sex roles in relation to play, work – and one another. They often categorize art, music, and dramatic play as stereotypical "girl" activities, and blocks, manipulatives, and outdoor play as "boy" activities.

At a younger age, it was perfectly acceptable for a boy to dress up in a skirt and hat or for a girl to commandeer the block area. But kindergartners are much more aware of society's definitions of acceptable behavior and appearance for boys and girls. Five- and 6-year-olds see stereotypes in the media and the community and struggle to understand them, experimenting with gender roles in play. Children will try out different roles to see what it feels like to be a boy or girl, and to expand the traditional definitions of male and female.

Awareness of Anatomy

Developmentally, 5- and 6-year-olds are at a stage where they know if they are boys or girls and are becoming aware of the corresponding anatomy. They are curious about anatomical differences and will use body-part names and references in silly ways to get attention or to express their curiosity. It seems that every year, at least one set of children tries to play "doctor" or "show me" in the bathroom. You can help children pass through this stage quickly and comfortably with frank talk about anatomy and clearly stated boundaries of play and privacy.

What You Can Do

As a teacher, one of your most important jobs is to provide diverse models and information about gender roles. Try some of these ideas:

Supply a variety of dress-up clothes for dramatic play. Represent different roles so that neither boys nor girls will be restricted in their play.

Talk about gender issues. Be sure to involve children in brainstorming to solve gender-related problems when they arise. Reading literature that raises gender issues or that counters stereotypes is also a valuable springboard for such discussions.

Invite guest speakers. Parents and other members of the community can talk with your class about their careers and their roles at home, particularly if they are not stereotypical.

Observe yourself. Ask someone to make a video or audiotape of you during class. You may be surprised to see that you have some gender biases. For instance, do you call on girls more than boys to do a particular task – or vice versa? Do you feel uncomfortable with a boy who cries? One teacher was shocked to realize that she always referred to the children as "guys" when she spoke to them as a group.

Be sensitive to your group's ethnic and cultural backgrounds. Your own – or the school's – values may be in conflict with the gender expectations in your children's homes. Listen and learn from the children's families and discuss your viewpoint and theirs. Try to find solutions on common ground, but always support family cultures and traditions while attempting to create an environment of equity in the classroom.

How to adjust to being a boy when you really want to be a girl

Whether it’s part of foreplay or the main event, fingering can be super pleasurable for people with vulvas—as long as it’s done well. Bad digital stimulation isn’t just a huge turn-off; it can also be incredibly painful! That’s why we spoke with some sex-positive women about how men can up their fingering game.

Now, there’s one big caveat here, which is that every woman and every vulva is unique, and there’s no one-size-fits-all method when it comes to fingering. Ultimately, the best fingering technique is asking your partner what feels good to them! Still, our sources said there are a few universal pointers that could help all guys get better with their hands.

Here’s who you’ll hear from:

  • Cherith Fuller, comedian and writer of the upcoming comedy album, Cool Chill Girl, which tackles themes exploring sexuality and modern dating , kink coach and sex educator
  • Courtney Kocak, comedian and co-host of Private Parts Unknown, a sexualities podcast exploring conversations on sex, dating & gender
  • Sofiya Alexandra, comedian and co-host of Private Parts Unknown, a sexualities podcast exploring conversations on sex, dating & gender

1. Start slow

Cherith: “I can always tell when the man I’m with is trying to treat my body like a video game that he needs to win, like if he just goes HARDER AND FASTER HE’LL BEAT THIS LEVEL AND I’LL CUM, but it doesn’t work like that. Even women who likes to be finger fucked into oblivion need a build-up. Start with one finger, until you see that she’s getting into it, then slowly insert another finger.”

Sofiya: “I think a lot of men start waaaay too rough, like they’re trying to unclog my vagina. Definitely make sure she’s super wet before you start trying to get even one finger up there.”

Note: lube helps!

How to adjust to being a boy when you really want to be a girl

How to adjust to being a boy when you really want to be a girl

How to adjust to being a boy when you really want to be a girl

How to adjust to being a boy when you really want to be a girl

2. Or start with your tongue

Cory: “Remember that the vagina doesn’t self-lubricate all the time, so use lube or consider going down on her first to get things wet.”

Sofiya: “I like to start with giving her head until she’s wet, then continue to gently lick around the clit while I trace a very wet thumb around the opening. Then I gently slide the thumb in and out until she’s responding by grinding on my hand and mouth. Then I add the other very wet thumb.”

Courtney: “Oh yeah, I love a good head/fingering double whammy.”

3. Stimulate her clitoris

Cory: “Before diving right into fingering, give the clitoris (which has 8,000 nerve endings) some attention. The clitoris is located above the entrance to the vaginal canal and it’s very smooth in texture. Check in with your partner to see what kind of motions they like.”

Cherith: “Really, the game changer with regards to fingering is clitoral stimulation. We need it, fellas! So you have a couple of different options. You could go down on her while you finger her, which is always great. You could use your other hand to massage her clit (make sure your fingers have some sort of lubrication, please, yikes). Or she could touch herself, which hopefully she feels comfortable enough to do with you.”

Courtney: “Know where the clit is and don’t be scared of it. Sometimes it seems like dudes are afraid to play with the clit, but that’s the button I want you to hit!”

4. Hit her G-spot with a “come hither” motion

Cory: “You’ll want to find the G-spot which is located on the upper part of the vaginal canal. Everyone’s G-spot is in a sightly different location, but generally, it’s 2-3 inches inside the body. While the walls of the vaginal canal are very smooth in texture, the G- spot feels like a wet sea sponge. To stimulate it, use the classic “come hither” motion with your fingers.”

Cherith: “Curl your fingers inside her like you’re making that ‘come hither’ motion that people make when they talk. I have never told anyone to ‘come hither,’ but I have fingered a fair amount of people, so it works.”

Courtney: “Making the ‘come here’ motion with your finger can be awesome, but it can also be a goddamn nightmare if the positioning is wrong. The whole point of the ‘come hither’ motion is to try to give her G-spot some love. If you’re just randomly bending your finger inside of the vagina, she’s more likely to murder you than to actually cum.”

5. Get her nipples involved

Sofiya: “Another good trick is to gently tweak/thumb her nipples while fingering her with your other hand and eating her out – but be careful, the amount of nipple play is highly specific to the girl; they’re our balls.”

Courtney: “Yeah, I’m less of a nipple play gal—unless you’re lightly biting.”

6. Use a sex toy

Cherith: “Or there are toys! Don’t be intimidated by toys. Trust me, they help everyone have a good time. A bullet vibrator + fingering will change everyone’s life.”

Cory: “Using a vibrator on her clit while using your fingers to stimulate her G Spot is great because it allows you to keep your focus on her G-spot while she’s also getting clit-stimulation.”

How to adjust to being a boy when you really want to be a girl

7. Wash your hands and cut your nails

Cherith: “Dear God, make sure you wash your hands. Please don’t give me BV (Bacterial Vaginosis) in addition to fingering me badly. Trim your nails too! Get a manicure! Treat yourself! And me! Treat me to a manicure! When I go on a date with a guy with well-kept nails I’m like ‘Oh, we’re about to have a good time.’”

Sofiya: “Also, if I see that your nails are too long or your cuticles are rough, you’re not getting near my vagina. Moisturize those hands, hunny!”

Courtney: “If you’re not interested in clipping your nails or lotioning your rough hands, I’m not interested in you touching my vagina.”

8. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it

Cory: “If it seems like they’re really enjoying a specific motion or sensation, stick to it! The easiest way to kill the path to orgasm is by changing up the rhythm or motion.”

How to adjust to being a boy when you really want to be a girl

Just like men, penises come in all shapes and sizes. Odds are you’ve seen junkat both ends of the spectrum, though it’s a wee bit more intimidating to come face-to-face with a big weiner than a small one.

Sure, getting down with an oversized peen can be some women’s jackpot, but for others. not so much. How will it fit?

“During the course of their sexual lives, most women will encounter a male partner whom they consider well-endowed,” says certified sex therapist Kat Van Kirk, Ph.D. So what qualifies as “well-endowed”? According to a 2013 study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, the average erect penis is 5.6 inches, so we’d reckon anything over that. (Fun fact: About 15 percent of men have a penis over seven inches and three percent have one over eight inches.)

Having sex with a larger-than-average penis can be painful, create anxiety and stress, and even cause vaginal tearing, says Van Kirk. But, with all of that said, it doesn’t have to ruin sex. New York City sex therapist Ian Kerner, Ph.D., author of She Comes First, says your vagina might be more up for the task than you’d think. “Generally, the vagina can accommodate a larger than average penis,” he says. However, you do have to be more careful.

Came across a whopper? Here’s how to proceed:

Acknowledge the (Huge) Elephant in the Room
Don’t make it a major issue—Van Kirk says you don’t want to embarrass the guy since he may already be sensitive about his size—but it’s a good idea to be upfront and honest. Kerner recommends saying something like, “Wow, that’s a big penis. Let’s take it slow”…and then moving on.

Take the Lead
It’s hard to know how your va-jay will handle his size, says Van Kirk, so it’s important for you to set the pace. “Until you get used to the sensation and know how your body will respond to his larger penis, take it slow,” she advises.

Break Out the Lube
You’re probably going to need it, so “be willing to reach for the lube and keep it coming,” says Kerner. (Sidenote: lube = better sex, always.) Thicker lubes are better in this situation because they won’t be absorbed as quickly, says Van Kirk.

Go Wild with Foreplay
While lube will help you get wet, foreplay can help you get a better read on his penis size and allow you to get even more aroused in the process. That makes it easier to take it all in later. “Work your way up,” says Van Kirk. “Sexy time prior to penetration with his penis should include fingers or possibly a sex toy.”

Try Side-by-Side Sex
Not only can you help control the rhythm in this position, you can also hold his penis, insert it, and control it like a sex toy, says Kerner. If he’s getting too deep, for example, increase how much of his length that you’re gripping to minimize what’s going into you.

…And Girl on Top
Any move that allows you to a) take the lead and b) keep him pretty still are ideal, says Kerner.

…And Standing Positions
If your dude has a longer penis, you might actually find standing sex hotter since it’s easier to get into and maintain, says Van Kirk.

Avoid Doggy Style
If his penis is on the long side, certain positions, like doggy style, can lead to deeper penetration, which may cause his penis to hit your cervix (and that doesn’t always feel great—though it can.), says Van Kirk. If you want a doing-it-from-behind kind of vibe, she recommends reverse cowgirl so you can still control the rhythm.

Keep Your Expectations in Check
While you might assume that sex with a big guy will lead to crazy-wild orgasms, that’s…not neccessarily the case. “Sometimes men with big penises think that’s all they need to be a gratifying lover, but a big penis doesn’t guarantee more orgasms,” says Kerner.