Money comes and money goes, and for a healthy relationship, couples should find a fair way to split the bills.
Whether that means splitting everything evenly or paying up based on a percentage of what each person makes is up to the couple, but one thing is for sure: in a relationship, you shouldn’t feel as though you (or they’re bank account) are being taken advantage of.
Paying for everything in your relationship can easily make you feel resentful of your partner. But before jumping into a breakup, there are ways to save your relationship from demise.
Money worries are rarely just about money. They represent something deeper and a lack of healthy communication usually compounds the problem.
So, if resentment, anger, or frustration is mounting in your relationship because you make more money than your man (or you are paying for his stuff), then in order to know whether to leave him or save your relationship, before anything else, you must go through these 5 steps:
1. Accept responsibility
No matter what situation you are in, you play a role in shaping it, so take responsibility. Stop blaming your guy for making less money or for not paying his share. You play a role. It is about how you act, what you say, what you don’t say, and how you behave.
Are you coming home and yelling at him every night? Talk is cheap. What motivation is there for him to step up if you keep doing things that support the current pattern? Every time you complain, but continue to pay for everything, you send the message that your word means nothing and you do not honor your own boundaries.
If you stay silent and don’t communicate your displeasure with the situation, your partner will never know how much it bothers you. Quit blaming and judging your guy and first identify your mistakes (how you contribute to the situation) and then admit them.
2. Define the real problem
Is the problem that you make more money than him, or is the problem that you don’t have enough to pay for both of you (or that you don’t want to pay for the both of you no matter how much you make)?
For example, if you could double your income spending the same amount of time working, would your partner’s low income still drive you nuts? Is it that you want a man who takes care of you in all ways (especially financially) or do you just want to feel like he’s contributing?
3. Uncover and acknowledge your own money fears
You have fears about money and about your relationship. Well, what are they? Are you afraid you’ll end up in debt or broke? Are you worried you’ll have to carry the whole load and won’t be able to manage? Are you scared you’re being taken advantage of?
By leading with anger and fear instead of positive communication, you quickly lose all power to influence your partner, who will push back against being judged.
Uncovering and acknowledging your own fears will give you clarity and empower you. This way you can choose behaviors and engage in conversations that serve you instead of sabotage you.
4. Get specific about what you want
A list of what you don’t want isn’t enough. What specifically do you want?
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Before you can get on the same page as your man, you have to get clear with yourself about your true wants and make your own rules. You can’t hold someone accountable for something you haven’t fully communicated.
With an unspoken ultimatum, it’s hard for anyone to win.
5. Talk about it
Now that you have gone through these steps, talk about it!
The key to working out money differences is clarity and communication. Your relationship needs the same. Whether or not you decide you and your partner are ultimately meant to stay together, at the very least, you can end things knowing you spoke your truth, took responsibility for yourself, and didn’t let your fears control you.
Work on becoming a better you so that whatever relationship you end up in (this one or the next) is built on honesty and transparency. Never let money destroy your relationship, it’s your choice now!
Sure, he’s annoying when he loses his keys for the 10th time, but there are certain things your boyfriend does that you shouldn’t let slide.
If your boyfriend or significant other is doing any of the following, it might be time to rethink your relationship:
1. Making you feel bad about being yourself
So you like to randomly speak in accents and you really like buying office/school supplies. He needs to be okay with your little quirks.
2. Going a whole day without saying “I love you”
It’s not that hard to say at least once a day.
3. Not having any explanation when you confront him for not saying, “I love you”
If he doesn’t have a reason for not letting you know you’re special, there’s something wrong.
4. Making you feel like it’s inconvenient to spend time together
If he’s constantly too busy to see you, you’re too fabulous to wait around for him to become available.
5. Trying to keep you from away from things you love
Whether it’s time with your sorority sisters, going to concerts or crafting, the activities you enjoy are important and you should never be served an ultimatum that forces you to choose between your passions and him.
6. Not offering to pay for anything… at all… ever
Some couples like to split things more often than others and that’s fine, but if you’ve never once heard, "Babe, let me take care of it,’’ that’s not okay.
7. Shutting you up when you try to explain why you’re upset
You should never feel like you can’t talk to him about something he’s done that hurt you.
8. Continually neglecting to hold your hand in public
You should be able at least remember the last time it happened.
9. Never offering to hold a door open for you
He doesn’t have to open every door in the world for you, but you shouldn’t be able to count on one hand the number of times it’s happened.
10. Putting your dreams down
Whether they involve school, your career or a hobby you’re passionate about, he should never make you feel like you can’t or shouldn’t chase the things you love.
11. Sitting everywhere but next to you
Especially when you’re watching a movie
12. Refusing to apologize when you two have a spat
That doesn’t mean that you don’t have to apologize, too, but nine times out of 10, both of you owe the other one an apology.
13. Dictating what you’re allowed to do
You should not feel like you have to ask for permission every time you want to go somewhere or do something. Spending the day with your girlfriends is a right you have, not a privilege your boyfriend grants you.
14. Yelling at you for things that are definitely not your fault
Like the fact that he has been looking for a whole two minutes for a parking space.
15. Taking hangry to an extreme
We’re all guilty of being grumpy when we need food, but that’s not an excuse for him to treat you like dirt.
16. Belittling your fears
If you need a little comfort because you’re worried about getting a job or think your best friend is mad at you, he shouldn’t be mocking your concerns.
17. Constantly trying to prove he’s smarter than you
A relationship is not the final round of "Jeopardy: Genius Edition."
18. Insulting your family members
Sure, your little brother might be a pest and your mother might be controlling, but there’s no excuse for him to disrespect them.
19. Refusing to buy you any kind of gift because he doesn’t “know what you like”
This is not a legitimate excuse for never giving you a birthday present, a small token in celebration of an anniversary or a candy bar because you’re having a bad day.
20. Not standing up for you
When a stranger or even one of his friends crosses the line and disrespects you, he needs to be right there, letting them know it’s not okay.
21. Making you feel guilty for spending time with anyone other than him
He might be your one and only, but he’s not the only person in your life who you value having a relationship with.
22. Downplaying your success because he’s jealous
When you do well, he should be celebrating with you, not minimizing your accomplishments because he’s envious that you’ve done something awesome.
23. Constantly backing out of plans
Sometimes things come up, but if you make plans far in advance, he shouldn’t always be the reason the two of you never follow through on them.
24. Promising to do something with no intention of keeping it
Can you control his behavior? No, but if he’s promised you since the day you first started dating that he’ll quit dipping, two years later, his life shouldn’t still be littered with tins.
25. Refusing to accept any physical or mental challenges you face
Perhaps you’re in your 20s, but you have arthritis or maybe you’ve been struggling with panic disorder since age 9. No matter what obstacle you face, he should be willing to try to understand these challenges in order to support you.
It may be time to give up on to the romantic idea that he is perfect for you.
Over the past decade, dating apps have fundamentally changed the mental calculus we use to forage for romantic partners. We can swipe left and right through a mass of faces in no time at all, making quick decisions to ditch potential partners and secure better ones.
Humans have always found a way manage this behavioral economic trade-off, but given the sheer volume of choices, the struggle today is more challenging than ever. And we may not be very effective at it: A recent study described “a hierarchy of desirability” in the strategies of online daters—and found that we often try to partner up with others who are quantifiably out of our league.
With handheld mobile devices granting instant access to an entire world of would-be partners, it’s not always easy to know when your search is over. Here are 9 signs that you should keep swiping.
1. Being around him is never fun.
This should be obvious. But it’s amazing how often we jump through psychological hoops of self-justification to convince ourselves that things are really working out, even in the worst partnerships.
Trust your instincts and don’t overanalyze your emotions. If you are not happy around him a majority of the time, pay attention to these feelings. This is especially true if you are in a situation (e.g., party, favorite restaurant, etc.) that is supposed to be enjoyable. If being with him turns everything sour, you might want to think about finding a partner that makes all things fun—even the boring ones.
2. Your dreams don’t matter to him.
He knows you want to go to graduate school, medical school, or law school, but he just doesn’t care. Instead of supporting you and helping you search for the best programs, he says, “Oh, that’s nice.”
This could be part of a much larger issue: He might not be interested in many of your preferences and desires, big or small. If he cannot handle your big goals and aspirations, how is he going to deal with all the small, weird stuff you’re into? If he was right for you, he should have no problem when you eat assorted cold cuts in the shower or talk for hours in a super cute British accent.
3. He rarely does the little things.
Individually, small things are just that—small. But add them up, and they can become a big deal.
Consider the following scenarios. In scenario A, He goes to the coffee shop and gets a cappuccino and his favorite muffin. In scenario B, he texts you, “I am going to the coffee shop in 15 minutes. Can I get you something? How about something sweet for my sweetie? (emojis: happy face, heart, cupcake, coffee cup)”
Or imagine that you just made a romantic dinner for two. Mr. Good Guy would offer to bring wine or bread. If he truly believes you are the most amazing and gorgeous person in the world, he will make you feel that way—even on days when you yourself are not sure.
4. He gives you space (good)…by totally ignoring you (bad).
We all need some “me-time” in our lives. Does he let you take time for yourself? That’s great! Or has he learned to use that as an excuse to abandon you in favor of other pursuits? In a perfect world, you would both go your separate ways, recharge, and come back to share stories about what you did. At the very least, he should be excited to see you. Always!
5. He is not there emotionally.
Does he try to figure out what you are thinking and feeling? Empathy, arguably one of the most consequential social emotions, is the capacity to understand what someone else is experiencing. Lack of empathy is part of the diagnostic criteria for narcissistic and antisocial personality disorders, so it is nothing to dismiss. It is meaningful.
Physical needs are connected to emotionality, too. Did he find out about your fondness for foot massages and then make it part of his routine (because when you feel good, he feels good)? Even if you are not sleeping together, he discovers you love kisses on your back and delivers them whenever possible. That is an empathic response.
6. He does not challenge you to be better.
Personal growth is sometimes in conflict with self-esteem. A healthy sense of self-worth is magnificent, and we want our friends and partners to have a similar view of us. He knows you are amazing, and you know you are awesome, so where can you go next?
The answer is that you can be at your best right now compared to other times in life, but this does not eliminate the chance for even greater change. If he shares this way of thinking, then he will nudge you in this direction: “Honey, you are amazing and that’s why I love you, but you are capable of so much more and I support you totally. Let’s grow together.”
7. His friends.
You might know who some of his friends are, but not all of them. Take it as a warning sign if they have no idea who you are. Ideally, he would talk about you with all his buds to the point where they know you even without having met. Also, you should have some idea of what his pals like and do not like. If he is not talking excitedly to you about his group, what else is he hiding?
8. Your friends.
Does he remember details you share about your friends? If not, it could be a sign that he is just not paying attention. More importantly, does he ask if they are doing well? This indicates genuine interest and shows that he is keeping track of what you value both socially and emotionally. “How is Penelope doing? Was she able to find a new job? Let me know if I can help.”
Of course, do not expect him to ask every day about all of your relationships. You will know what feels reasonable.
9. Your parents.
Same as above, but with Mom and Dad. Does he ever text your Mom or Dad just to say hi or pass along some nice info they might like? For example, if he knows your Mom loves Tom Selleck, he can text her a pic of the Magnum PI action doll he saw in the vintage toy store. Better yet, he can buy it for her! Watch out if he never shows interest in communicating with your family, or he only reaches out when he thinks it will make him look good in their eyes.
Note: The suggestions presented here do not represent a psychometrically valid assessment of relationship strength. However, if your boyfriend goes 0 for 9 on these, it might be time to start rethinking this relationship.
Bennett, K. (2018). Teaching the Monty Hall dilemma to explore decision-making, probability, and regret in behavioral science classrooms. International Journal for the Scholarship of Teaching and Learning, 12 (2), 1-7. DOI: 10.20429/ijsotl.2018.120213
Whether you’ve decided to move in with your boyfriend or girlfriend, planning a wedding, or recently tied the knot, it’s time to talk about money.
Maybe not. But if you don’t figure out a system for managing money together as a couple and splitting expenses with your spouse/partner fairly, then sexy time is going to be the last thing on either of your minds.
Personal finance is personal, and there are few places that’s more apparent than when it comes to how couples split joint expenses.
So know this: There’s no right or wrong way to split expenses with your partner. The key thing is to actually talk about money with your partner (here’s how).
Once you’ve done that, you can choose one of these common scenarios to split expenses (or make your own):
Separate but equal
Most common, unmarried (and many married) couples keep separate bank accounts and credit cards but split the big household expenses, like rent and utilities, equally. One partner may pay out of pocket for everything and then collect a check from the other, or each partner may pay different bills that can be reconciled once a month.
Here’s a useful spreadsheet that can help you track those joint expenses.
The free-for-all (not recommended)
It may be OK if one person pays the rent while the other person pays the electric, cable and water bills…as long as you track how much each partner is contributing and figure out a way to reconcile it.
Too often, one person will pay a big bill like the rent or mortgage while the other is expected to pick up everything else. Depending on how this shakes out, one partner may end up paying a lot more each month. This may be OK—for example, if one of you earns significantly more—as long as you talk about it and are both OK with the arrangement.
Proportional to income
If one partner earns significantly more than the other, you face a difficult decision:
Should the higher earner pay a larger percent of the monthly expenses?
Again, it’s personal, but here’s a suggestion. If your lifestyle together is modest—that is, it doesn’t strain the income of whoever earns less—a more equal approach might be fine. But if the higher earner has more expensive tastes—for example, she wants to live in a bigger home or dine out more often—then it might be time for her to kick in more than a 50% share.
The dos and don’ts of splitting finances before you’re married
Marriage provides certain legal and financial safeguards for both couples. Obviously, however, many couples are managing a joint budget without being married. So here are some things to watch out for.
DON’T share assets
Do not buy anything together. That goes for houses, cars, and furniture, and especially checking accounts. Yes, you love him or her. But if things go sour, each takes their own.
DON’T share debts
As tempting as it often is, I would recommend that you don’t cosign a loan for your partner.
Whether you stay together or not, if he or she defaults, you either pay up or lose your credit. Cosigners should be family members. End of story.
DO share expenses
Avoid the “free-for-all” approach to budgeting that I mentioned above. Before you move in, decide whether you will share expenses fifty-fifty or proportionately based upon salary. You may consider opening a joint checking account just for paying expenses. This should only be for bills and groceries.
DO plan for the worst
Although unlikely, consider the possibility that one of you could die. You’ll need to choose beneficiaries for everything from insurance policies to retirement plans.
What about health care proxies?
Do you want to be the ones to make health care decisions for each other if you should become incapacitated?
Living together can be an exciting step in any relationship, but follow these steps to protect your finances first. If you don’t, without the legal protection of marriage, you’ll be on your own in more ways than one if things don’t work out.
What about when you are married?
With few exceptions, there is no longer “mine and yours,” only ours. This is why wealthy people make their betrothed sign prenuptial agreements; it’s a legal way of saying “some of what’s mine is still mine.”
So whether or not you merge bank accounts or keep them separate, understand that marriage merges your money in the eyes of the law. Many couples still keep their own accounts for making small guilt-free purchases or buying gifts, but the more you think of your marital finances as one instead of two, the less problems you’ll have.
Finances for couples, married or not, need to be discussed. It’s best to have a plan in place. A plan can help keep your relationship happy and healthy and lets you spend your time thinking happy thoughts about your significant other instead of being bitter about your finances.
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Posted February 28, 2014 by Kavita
How letting the man pay really makes him feel
When you go out on a date, do you have problems letting the guy pay because it feels like you may then owe him something?
When you need help with something in your life, maybe you don’t really ask friends and family because you don’t want them being burdened by your request or you feel like you have to lend a hand back for something?
You simply believe that you should be able to do it all.
Well, if you identify with any of the above sentiments, then what you have is a RECIEVEABILITY problem.
What do I mean by RECEIVEABILIITY?
It is your ability to take in, roll around in, and thoroughly enjoy being loved and supported.
For most of us receiving love is one of the hardest things.
Especially being strong, independent, successful women, we often put pressure on ourselves to figure everything out, look like the smart one, and look like the one that has it all together.
But what we are doing unconsciously is blocking love which triggers a feeling of being really ALONE.
MEN are always looking for a way to provide for you and make you happy.
So if you are having a RECEIVABILITY problem, a man will not feel wanted or needed.
One of my clients, let’s call her Rachel, was struggling with RECEIVEABILITY, and through her story I will reveal what you can do to FLEX this muscle of receiving.
Rachel had gone on 4 or 5 dates with a man recently and had another one coming up this week.
She let me in on something that was really bothering her:
“Kavita, I feel really awkward allowing him to pay. It’s like I want to make sure we split the bill or I pay so that there’s no misinterpretation of me owing him anything. But I don’t want him to be super turned off and think I’m insulting him either. Should I let him pay? How do I handle this?”
I said to her, “ABSOLUTELY allow him to pay. You can reach for it and say, ‘Would you like me to get it’, but if he is insistent, it is times like these that you should really receive this gift.
If he pays, you owe him nothing. This is something he offered to give to you.”
We really needed to amp up her ability to receive in all parts of her life, and this was a great place to start.
So often, we won’t ask for help or support or REALLY take in getting a gift from someone because we’re busy thinking:
Okay, what do they want?
Okay, he paid so now I’m going to have to sleep with him at some point.
Are there strings attached, am I on the hook for something now?
Oh this was so nice, now what can I do or give back to them so they know I appreciated it and know I’m not taking advantage of them?
All of that is making us feel really alone because it feels like we are having to constantly be it all, do it all, and never truly be taken care of.
Receiving is a part of being feminine, and it actually doesn’t mean we lose any “control” at all, in fact, when we can allow it, it totally fills us up!
For Rachel, I knew this came from somewhere.
So I asked her, “When you think about making sure that you could do it all, be it all, or always be in control of a situation, what memory does that remind you of growing up?”
And she told me that her father had passed away when she was younger, so her mom was left to take care of her and mourn his death at the same time. She saw her mom struggling and knew she didn’t want to give her any more trouble.
This was a decision that she made for herself at a young age, that she didn’t want to be a burden to other people, and that she could take care of herself, and she has been living it out ever since.
So many of my clients and women I speak to have similar experiences.
We feel that when we have to ask for help in some way or someone offers to help, we really shouldn’t accept it. We say, “No it’s okay, I got it” because it makes us feel like we’re not capable, in control, or like we’re failing if we can’t do it all, even if on the inside we don’t have much energy left.
I knew what Rachel was describing when letting a man pay was really carrying over into other parts of her life because of this decision she had made.
So I explained, “When you reject a gift, an offer for help, or in this case, a gift of payment for a date, what you’re doing is actually is saying, “I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve to be taken care of, I don’t deserve to be treated well, I don’t deserve the kindness of another human being.”
And of COURSE you deserve it, and want that kind of love, compassion, and kindness from a man .
For Rachel, it is so important for her to step into a place of deserving love and receiving, so that she can keep showing up powerfully and in her (femininity) because that just further KEEPS HIS INTEREST.
So we looked at the agreement she made with herself around her mother when she was little, and talked through how that agreement was made by a little girl who saw her mother struggling at that moment in time.
Of course a little girl wants to care for her mother and make her happy. But that moment is many years past, and it is NO LONGER serving her to hold on to that.
I bet there is a similar story you have for yourself that you can release, so take a moment to look back and think of a situation when YOU decided you had to do everything on your own.
And to start practicing your receivability right now, your Lovework is to:
Think of one thing you could use support around right now. WHO can you ask to help? It can be big or small. This week, I want you to ASK them for that help.
We are going to start to move you out of that place of isolation and doing everything alone and start taking in support and the love you deserve the way you deserve it.
When you can practice this, and be in this space with men, they will feel appreciated and needed, which is something every high-quality man wants to offer a relationship.
So tell me in the comments if you have a similar story to Rachel’s, if you’ve ever had trouble receiving something from a man, and WHO you can ask for help around something this week that would really make some space for you.
I would love to hear from you.
You may think falling in love is something that just happens, but the truth is, there’s actually a science behind love. No longer do you have to worry if your love interest has the same feelings as yo
You may think falling in love is something that just happens, but the truth is, there’s actually a science behind love. No longer do you have to worry if your love interest has the same feelings as you do, because you will now be equipped with all the hidden secrets that make a guy fall deeply in love. Of course, we can’t guarantee that these tips will 100% work on your particular guy, but they will definitely increase the chances of him falling head over heels. If you’re sure he’s The One, and you want him to feel the same way about you, keep reading to discover the hidden, psychological tactics that will make him fall in love with you!
12 Be Mysterious
Never lay everything out on the table if you want him to fall in love with you. Men love mysterious girls, and they will try their hardest to crack your code. In the beginning, keep your conversations casual, and don’t go too deep into your life story, fears, dreams, and goals. Think of dating as one of your favorite murder mystery books. The suspense killed you as you flipped each page, right? Do the same when it comes to getting to know your guy. Slowly pull back the layers to keep him interested and craving for more!
11 Fill the Void That’s Lacking
Science has shown that when looking for their perfect mate, guys tend to go for the girl who fills a void that’s missing in their life. People naturally gravitate to those who are similar to them, but when it comes to dating, people are also looking for someone who can create a balance. If your guy is suffering from low self-esteem, become the confident and bubbly person he wishes he can be. He will subconsciously feel attracted to you, because you are everything he wants to be!
10 Mirror Him
Mirroring is a psychological tactic that has been used for years. When done incorrectly, you can come across like a major creep, but when done right, mirroring is highly effective to make your guy fall in love. Mirroring is all about staying in tune with your guy’s actions. If you go out to dinner, and he takes a sip of his drink, take a sip of your drink, too. If he leans in while telling a good story, lean in toward him, as well. Mimicking his body movements will lead him to believe that the two of you are on the same wavelength, and he won’t be able to stop himself from feeling attracted to you.
9 Wear Red
Stock up on everything red, because recent studies have found that men describe women wearing red as sexier than women wearing any other color. Men are more attracted to and more willing to date a woman in red, while women wearing other colors have to try a bit harder to get their attention. So ditch that all-black outfit if you really want to pique your guy’s interest.
8 Be Adventurous
There is a strong link between sexual arousal and anxiety, according to a 1974 study by Donald Dutton and Arthur Aron. One group of men stood on a stable bridge, while another group of men stood on a shaky bridge that heightened their anxiety. An attractive woman individually asked each man a series of questions. At the end of the interview, the woman gave the men her phone number “just in case.” The results found that the men who were on the shaky bridge reached out and called the woman more than the men on the stable bridge. The correlation between attraction and anxiety was officially linked. So what does all this mean for you? Well, if you want your guy to feel attracted to you, you need to take him out of his comfort zone and put some adventure into his life! Plan a date at an amusement park, or take him sky diving to get his adrenaline pumping. Natural chemicals will be released into his brain that will make him wonder why he’s always having such a blast when he’s with you! And you know what that will lead to? Instant attraction!
7 Go Out for a Warm Date
Yale psychologist, John Bargh, has dedicated hours to the art of priming – a memory effect that can make your guy instantly fall in love! Through his studies, Bargh concluded attraction is linked to temperatures. Participants were instructed to hold hot and cold beverages while judging a group of people. Those who were holding warm beverages judged the people as having warm personalities, while those who were holding cold beverages judged the people as having harsh and cold personalities. To make priming work to your advantage, skip out on that frozen yogurt date, and have your guy take you out for a warm coffee instead.
6 Get as Close to Him as Possible
There’s a reason why most people shy away from long distance relationships. Being in close proximity to someone you’re interested in is essential to feeling emotionally closer to them. We’re not asking you to relocate across country to get your guy to fall in love with you, but it certainly wouldn’t hurt.
5 Make Sure You Have Mutual Friends
If you and your guy have mutual friends, your chances of having him fall in love with you are greater. Subconsciously, we are all wired to trust those who others can vouch for. This is why so many people meet the loves of their lives through mutual friends. If you have a couple friends who can put in a good word for you, your guy will be more willing to give love a chance!
4 Talk About how Much You Love Kids/Animals
Guys are looking for someone who will be loving and nurturing, and the best way to show him your mothering instincts is to express how much you care for others. Women who own a furry friend are seen as more suitable partners for long-term relationships because if you can take on the responsibility of owning a pet, you can pretty much take on anything!
3 Adjust Your Walking Speed
Similar to mirroring, walking at the pace of your mate is another way to show him you’re in sync. Guys tend to walk faster than women (damn you, high heels!) so you’ll definitely have to keep up the pace to stay in tune with his stride! Over time, you will notice that your guy’s pace will actually slow down so that you’re able to keep up with him without completely killing your feet. This is a sign that he’s really starting to fall for you!
2 Pay It Forward
We know you’re naturally a nice person and everyone loves you, but you need for your guy to see this trait in order to fall in love with you. We’re not asking you to be a saint, or the second coming of Mother Teresa; but anytime you can show him how kind you are, do it! It can be as simple as volunteering for a charity function, or paying for the person in line behind you at Starbucks. If he knows that you are a giving person who goes out of your way for complete strangers, he will instantly fall in love!
1 Smile. a Lot
This one may seem like a no-brainer, but science has proven that smiling increases your attractiveness to the opposite sex. But make sure it’s a genuine smile. You don’t want to come across as fake. Whether he’s paying you a compliment or telling you a funny story, flash him those pearly whites to appear more attractive and to nudge him down the path of falling in love!
Okay, ladies. We all know there are a lot of fish in the sea, even though it can seem like the good ones aren’t biting a lot of the time. I have no doubt that looking for Mr. Right can seem like a tough prospect, but he’s probably out there. Or at least Mr. Close Enough.
It’s one thing to lower your standards and temper your expectations a little to accommodate; you know, real-life people with strengths and flaws, and get away from your vision of some fantasy Prince Charming who’s absolutely perfect in every conceivable way. But it’s another to settle for some lazy douche, just because he has hair and a steady job and you’re pushing thirty.
There are some things on this list that should be outright, one-offense deal-breakers, and I hope those are obvious to you. But the truth is, most of these are things that can be worked on—if you communicate that you want them. Guys aren’t mind readers and the sad fact is that most of us will consider borderline behavior acceptable unless you tell us otherwise. Odds are, if your guy is guilty of some of the things on this list, he’s willing to at least work on them. So tell him what you want, give him a little time and some positive reinforcement. You know, like training a dog. However, if he just flat out refuses to make some simple changes that are really mainly about compromise and respect, just break it off.
You’re dating a great guy. Yeah, he can be sweet, fun, generous and have a great sense of humor. There’s just one little problem: sometimes he acts like a bully. It’s good to know the signs of bullying so you can fully understand how to deal with bullies and handle this important issue.
Your boyfriend’s bullying behavior might include:
- Raising his voice
- Belittling your choices
- Refusing a simple request
- Not able to let go of an argument
- Calling you names
- Never apologizing for his behavior
When the guy you are dating acts like a bully, it can be very intimidating. It seems like he loves you and most of the time you get along well. Yet, there are times when the bully shows up and you wonder about the choice you’ve made.
Dating a bully can chip away at your self-esteem and confidence, which is never good for you or the relationship.
Dating a bully comes with its own set of problems. You may freeze up or suppress your own needs and give in, doing things his way to keep the peace. This is a natural reaction but can allow resentment to build. You might also feel apprehensive as you want to brace yourself for the next bullying episode.
What can you do handle the situation and retain your self-esteem? Here’s how to deal with bullies, especially when you’re in a relationship with one. These will help you navigate these emotional waters and potentially turn things around.
1. Decide you will not be bullied.
Making this decision to no longer be a victim is very empowering. From here you can start to take steps to address the bullying behavior or focus on self-preservation.
2. Let your boyfriend know you will only talk to him when he is respectful.
Don’t bring this up in the middle of an argument. Say something when things are calm again. Tell him that he needs to speak in a regular tone of voice and volume, avoid name calling and listen to and consider what you have to say. He can’t fight with you if you won’t play his game.
3. Set boundaries and limits for behavior that feels intimidating or aggressive.
This is so important for your self-esteem. Practice sticking to these limits by saying no, disagreeing with him or simply walking away until he cools off. Please do not expect instant change. This method takes time to shift a person’s behavior, so be a bit patient. Watch for signs that he is making an effort.
In truth, this may not work, but you’ll have to see how he responds. Your gentle, yet firm, consistent response to his bullying is the best shot you have to create a shift in the way the two of you interact.
4. Let him know the consequences of his bullying behavior.
Explain to your boyfriend in a non-threatening, calm way what happens when he bullies you. You may tell him you plan to retreat until he is calmer and can speak to you with respect. You can also describe how his bullying negatively affects your feelings for him.
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5. Express your expectation for mutual respect and support.
Explain that he needs to consider your feelings and point of view on situations. You can also point out that you feel more inclined to do nice things for him when he considers what is good for the both of you and not just him.
6. Recognize that self-preservation is your top priority.
If you try these steps and your boyfriend doesn’t make any effort to adapt, you may need to leave the relationship. Bullying can turn into more aggressive behavior with time.
If you don’t see his willingness to change and his behavior is damaging your self-esteem or worse, becomes more threatening, promise yourself you will leave. There are better men out there who would be thrilled to be in a relationship with a wonderful woman like you.
Maybe you met this guy a month ago, or you have been in a long-term relationship. But along the way something changed and your boyfriend isn’t who he once was. The person you fell in love with and began dating beings to act strangely and you being to think “has he gone crazy?” If so, your boyfriend may be showing signs of becoming emotionally distressed and mentally unstable.
These signs can have a sudden onset without any warning and you might attribute them to other factors at first. However, take an in-depth look at your significant other and really analyze the symptoms. Does he suddenly withdrawal himself from friends and family? Has he begun to emotionally manipulate you or accuse you of things that aren’t real? Is he having extreme highs and dark lows?
The following are signs that your loved one is mentally unstable and it is time for him to talk to a professional.
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We all get worried and stressed; however his day-to-day anxiety has a hit a record high. He may have a mental health issue if the anxiety is constant and interferes all the time. He will seem incredibly restless, have a racing mind, and might be unable to communicate properly. He will begin to second guess everything, including his relationship with you. He may make off-comments that he hadn’t before that are accusatory or show insecurity. At first, you all may have had a great foundation of trust. But now, his anxiety has overtaken all his rational thoughts. He believes that no one thinks he can do anything right and is in constant state of self-doubt.