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How to act like a dominatrix

How to act like a dominatrix

There are a lot of fetishes when it comes to love life and dominating the counterpart in a relationship is one thing that women occasionally wonder about, but fail to actually implement. The best way to go about it is to discuss it without your counterpart and make sure that they are comfortable being dominated and in most cases, it is easy to say that the answer would be yes.

What most women lack is actually knowing how to properly doing so while keeping it fun and interesting for both. Spicing things up keeps both partners interested and a relationship strong, giving you something to consider the next time you are thinking about trying something new.

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Instructions

Talk about it with Your Partner

The first thing before actually getting into the dominatrix mindset would be to discuss things over with your partner. Both should be open minded to try new things and compromise is also key to sustaining a long and strong relationship.

Get the Right Clothes and Accessories

The dominatrix mindset is one thing, but actually looking like a female fetal is the next step of the process in order to make it the best experience you have ever had. A full bodied suit, that mimics the one catwoman would wear would be a great way to start off. Having a skin fitting suit is preferable, but other options are also available.

There are specific websites and even adult stores that provide such clothing and accessories to make it all fun.

Be Confident

Making yourself a dominatrix if you want to be one is quite easy, but unless you do not have the confidence of doing so and carrying out with the plan, it will not be fun in the end. Remember, it is totally normal to have such feelings and desires and not doing so will just hinder things in the bed in the end.

Stay Comfortable

For everything to work out as planned, everything needs to be done in your comfort zone and nothing that makes you feel otherwise should be attempted unless you and the other participant is totally ready to go ahead with it, which is why prior planning is key.

Look to Movies and Media for Inspiration

Everyone doesn’t know what to do when they are in such a situation, which is why there are a number of ways to get inspiration through BDSM movies and other media sources. They should be used, but do not have to be followed in each step, but should be rather used as a source of ideas.

The fight of the spouse and the mistress has been one fought for generations. We have occur to know the mistress as a female with no regard to anyone’s feelings or any morals. She waits to find unsuspecting husbands who are weak to her sexual improvements. She then attacks him with her sweet smile and attractive design leaving him helpless however seeking more. The wife, innocent and naive, in no way sees it coming. Alright maybe that was a way in excess of the leading description but that what most folks believe a mistress is. What might shock you is that a spouse can in fact find out a couple of things from a mistress and a mistress should know some things about a wife.I asked a number of men who have been brave ample to admit of their affairs what made them want to discover another girl and the answers look to be the exact same. They needed a woman to admire them and make them truly feel required. They liked the reality that she would recognize the small issues that he would do. A mistress has a way of playing up the simple fact that she loves the gentleman he is now, alternatively of the guy he utilised to be. The wife on the other hand has the reminiscences of a better gentleman than what he is these days and longs to have him back. A man needs somebody to settle for him at all stages of his daily life. His earlier,existing,and his future. The mistress has the advantage of obtaining to enjoy up on loving all his very good… but she also has a disadvantage.
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The wife has put in the time,energy,and sweat to be ready to hold this sort of a coveted title. She knows him inside of and out, anything the mistress doesn’t have. The spouse will often appear very first whether or not the husband desires to acknowledge it. The wife takes care of him in a way the mistress can not. She has place in much more time nurturing him and not only that she has his little ones. He can take the wife all around buddies and family members and not fear about if she is heading to be inappropriate or embarrass him. Not to say a mistress can’t have herself like a spouse… but in most instances she is only for a excellent time and not for all the time. The mistress is there to stroke his ego. The wife is there to aid carry some of the load of having a loved ones. The mistress is who you complain to. The wife is who you explain to your secrets and techniques to. The mistress provides fantasy even though the wife is fact. So how can you act like a wife, consider like a mistress?You need to have to make your home a convenience from the storm of life. The mistress does not yell at him for not having out the trash or remind him of bills that he currently is aware of that are due. Be his most significant cheerleader. He should be capable to know that no make a difference how modest the accomplishment make sure to accept it and not follow it up with something he is not performing. It’s amusing on a sitcom to do that but not in true daily life. The mistress is aware to make the male really feel excellent at all instances. Keep your self searching wonderful. That does not indicate you have to be a specified “type” since he fell in really like with you. However that doesn’t give you an justification to get all things with drawstring and elastic waistbands. The mistress often seems to be her best when she is with her man no issue what is likely on in her individual lifestyle. You are not his warden nor faculty teacher so correcting your spouse and nagging him is absolutely a no! The mistress is fantastic at generating every minute they are together sweet and drama free of charge. Just take these guidelines and watch your relationship do a 180. You CAN be almost everything he needs!

Turn out to be your husband’s mistress and give one much less “other woman” a preventing chance to attack your relationship.

How to act like a dominatrix

Jenny Nordbak, spent two years leading a double life working as a construction manager during the day, and a dominatrix in a dungeon at night. Now 29, she’s left her professional dominatrix life behind and has written a book about her experiences. The Scarlet Letters: My Secret Year of Men in an L.A. Dungeon is out now and we can confirm it’s a bloody good read.

Cosmopolitan.com/UK met the married mum-of-one, who shared everything she learned about men and sex during her time as dominatrix Mistress Scarlet.

1. Seeing a sex worker doesn’t necessarily mean they’re unhappy in their relationship. While I don’t think it’s healthy to deceive your partner, I don’t think [men in relationships paying to see a dominatrix] means they’re in a bad relationship. Many are scared to have that tough conversation with their partner.

2. It’s not always about ejaculation. For maybe half of men, ejaculation is the goal. But a surprising amount of them don’t come. With some there isn’t even nudity. I’m assuming they’re banking that for later.

How to act like a dominatrix

3. So much of what turns them on is in the mind. People tend to think of what dominants do as torturing someone, but so much of it is fantasy.

4. They can have fetishes about ANYTHING. One client wanted to do dentistry on people’s feet. He came in a full dentist’s costume with instruments and a treatment plan. “Your big toe has two cavities, and your little toe needs a root canal,” he’d say.

5. Men really aren’t that bothered about what women look like. A lot of women think men are looking for the supermodel stereotype, but really most of them fixate on the details. For many, it’s all about the colour of a woman’s toenail polish, or that their hair’s in a ponytail, or that there’s a bow on their dress.

6. Food can turn them on. a lot. There’s a whole sub-group of fetishes that revolve around food, and cake-sitting is one of them. Clients would bring a cake and want me to flop down and sit on it. The there’s smashing cream pies on their face, or having a food fight.

7. As can giant women. Lots of men want to pretend you’re a giant woman who’s crushing them. They like the powerlessness.

8. Housework can be *really* arousing for them. Some men are thrilled by service, and get off on pleasing someone else and feeling like they’re useful.

9. Even celebrities want to be dominated. Celebrities seem to want that release and having someone tell them ‘no’. Very powerful men who are used to calling the shots like being submissive because it’s so different to their daily lives.

10. A lot of men hide their fetishes. My clients were a mix of single, married, in relationships and widowers. Some had spoken to their wives about it and were given their blessing to explore, but many were clearly going behind their wives’ backs.

11. Some physically *need* a release. It’s almost like a drug addiction where they get absolutely hooked on it and they have to have their fix.

How to act like a dominatrix

12. The majority of them are OBSESSED with feet. Feet are the most common fetish I saw. They want to give you a foot massage and worship your feet. Or smash food with your toes, or polish your muddy boots with their tongue.

13. Many want to experiment with their partner. Some guys came to me with their partners, wanting to experiment together. It was so positive to see they were willing to build that into their relationship by being really open together.

14. They LOVE some really disgusting stuff. Like [licking] a toilet, or the bottom of your shoe, or the handle of a broom.

15. Role play can be like therapy for them. There were clients who I saw multiple times a week, for months on end – it was like going to your therapist once a week. For a lot of them its a way of working through intense issues.

16. Their turn ons can be broken down into female archetypes. The nurturing motherly figure, the disciplinarian headmistress strong female, the amazon warrior who’s more punishing or cruel.

17. Everyone falls onto the dominant/submissive spectrum. We all have some piece of sex that we prefer – lying back and letting it happen or pleasing another person. Everyone has a preference that falls on that power exchange spectrum.

How to act like a dominatrix

18. What turns them on is totally normal. Men aren’t broken, or deviants, or perverts just because they have a foot fetish or like being tied up. It’s totally normal, healthy and they should be able to explore that.

19. Their fetishes are often formed in childhood. A lot of the time you can point to either trauma, or something really emotionally significant that happened. Not always though.

Have you ever sat back and relived conversations with a narcissist, or toxic person in your life, and thought, ‘I could’ve said ______ to them when I had the chance.’? If you have you aren’t alone, and while some comebacks will work against you when speaking with a narc, there are some comebacks that will shut them up, and possibly even leave them speechless.

As self-absorbed, empathy lacking, and attention seeking individuals, narcissists don’t often do much of anything for anyone but themselves, and even if they do, they are doing it because it benefits them somehow, some way down the line. They are master manipulators, and they will stop at nothing to get what they want.

Even worse, is they typically prey on those who are gullible, that love them, and others that have a hard time saying no. If you are dealing with one, you need to either establish healthy boundaries, remove them from your life, or prepare for the worst because you have few options. If you are interested in creating boundaries, keep reading.

1. Use their name.

Narcissists will try to dominate you by taking control of the conversation. Take back control by using their name, and repeating it throughout the conversation.

2. Remind them to stay on topic.

Narcissists will turn things around by mentioning past events. Stop them in their tracks, and bring them back to the topic at hand.

3. ‘Don’t invalidate my emotions.’

When they call you sensitive, or emotional, remind them that you are reacting to the situation through emotions. And don’t allow them to push you over the edge. Stay calm.

4. ‘I am not talking to you until you stop attacking me.’

Narcissists will verbally berate you by tearing down your character, getting louder, and treating you like you are less than human. Stop them when they start and refuse to converse with them until they can treat you like a person.

5. Stop lying.

Narcissists will twist the truth, make things up, and outright lie at the drop of a dime if it means that they are going to get their way. Don’t let them lie to you, and if you know they are lying, tell them. Then, stop talking until you get the truth.

6. Call out their gaslighting.

When a narcissist tells you that your version of reality is made up or calls you crazy, call them out and be firm, but not aggressive. Correct them, but remain calm throughout.

7. I will believe it when I see it.

Narcissists will promise to do this, or do that, always attempting to give hope that they will change. Stop believing them at face value, and wait for change to happen before giving in to broken promises.

8. The world doesn’t revolve around you.

It is constantly about what is best for the narcissist and never about what anyone else wants or needs. It may sound obvious, however, sometimes the narcissist needs to be reminded that they are not the only one alive.

9. Slow down!

When they are trying to get what they want, they may rush you or try to push you into things you aren’t ready for. Stop them in their tracks and ask them to slow down and think things through.

10. Learn the correct way to say no.

We often forget how easy it is to say no. And we may say it, but lack confidence and follow through. However, learning to say no, firmly and confidently can be a true gamechanger when dealing with a narc.

Keep up to date with the Femme Fatale of the North West

How to act like a dominatrix

I have had some enquiries over the last few weeks in regards to personal slavery and here is some information to give an idea of what it entails. There are various types of ownership, for example, you can be a personal social media slave working hard to promote your Mistress online. If you live far away there is long distance servitude. The most special is the full time OWNED SLAVE.

I do not accept just anyone as a personal slave. The first and most important thing is CONNECTION. I must get on with you and be able, at the very least, to hold a fun and interesting conversation. How can you build a more intimate relationship with someone if you do not like them? One of My personal slaves was put through his paces and made to prove his worth over a long period of over 6 months. I must be able to see that you are serious about being owned and that you will not get bored or look elsewhere after the initial excitement wears off. If I am going to let you into My personal life, I do not have time for flakes and you must appreciate the great trust that comes with this role. you must be ready to engage in such a commitment otherwise it can end in great sadness.

What kind of things can a personal slave be involved in? The list is endless: chores, tasks, research, attending events, errands, driving and admin are some activities. The main aim of a personal slave is to make their Mistress’ life easier. Some Mistresses require their personal slave to tribute a large sum each month, I look at what the person can afford, their circumstances and, of course, how useful they can be to Me. My time is precious and it must be earnt in various ways: tasks, gifts, surprises, creativeness, readiness, etc. I give a lot of My time to My personal slaves so I expect that when I give them a task it is completed to the highest standard. That slave is being trained to be a reflection of ME and they must act accordingly.

A personal slave must show gratitude, be invisible (not wanting to show off their status all the time, it becomes boring) and be aware that Mistress will have contact with others – this should fuel you to want to do your best so you can be the favourite (not that She will ever tell you this ;)). You must prove your worth. If you are not giving Me what I need, you receive less of My time and you get rewards and punishments depending on the quality of effort with your work.

I set strict rules and a contract is signed at the beginning of the personal slavery journey. This contract can change over time to accommodate new skills learnt or changed circumstances. I do not allow my slaves to interact with other Mistresses unless pre-agreed, this fails the idea of being MINE and once you’re MINE, you should not wish to have anyone else on your mind.

I bet anyone who has considered being ‘owned’ has imagined being able to spend all day talking to their Mistress or seeing Her every day – this is not the case: Mistress still has a life to lead, sessions, commitments and Her personal life. Sometimes you will speak to Her daily and other times it may be a couple of times a week. If you become My personal slave you are absolutely more involved in My life, things become more ‘friendly’, more personal, but it is hard work. You will be required to be available when I need you but also have the ability to busy yourself when I am not free to spend time with you. You need to be motivated and creative and come up with ways to help your Mistress. And you need to WANT to be there. Never rush into ownership, make sure you are ready to commit to that one special Mistress. If not, wait, one day She will come along and turn your life around.

One of the main points when discussing ownership is that when a punishment is given, you take it and move on. If you have done something wrong, no matter how small, you need to be punished to learn. It is a long journey but the ultimate ending is to become Mistress’ special, ultimate slave who is the perfect reflection of Her hard work and status. This does not happen overnight, you must work tirelessly to get to know your Mistress, Her needs, desires, wants and they must be all you think about. Your aim in life is to make Her life better!

New Wife School teaches married women to ‘act like a mistress to make your husband happy’ (and guess what. it’s run by Gordon Ramsay’s ‘ex-lover’)

  • Sarah Symonds, 43, rose to fame after claiming to have had a seven year affair with Gordon Ramsay
  • Appeared on Canadian show The Mistress where she helped women stuck in an extra-marital affair
  • Set up Wife School – an online help forum – after receiving hundreds of emails from ‘desperate housewives’
  • ‘Men are simple, it’s Eat. Sleep. Fornicate,’ she says
  • Advises wives to ‘put more effort into bedroom than kitchen’
  • ‘Who better than someone who has been on the inside of infidelity for so many years?’

Published: 14:05 BST, 27 February 2013 | Updated: 16:17 BST, 27 February 2013

She captured the nation’s attention for all the wrong reasons in December 2008 when she claimed she had been in a seven year long extra-marital affair with celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay.

But now Sarah Symonds – who touted herself as a professional mistress after indulging in multiple affairs (she counts Lord Archer among her conquests) – says she is the ‘worm that turned’ after setting up a Wife School to help woman prevent their husband cheating.

And controversially, 43-year-old Sarah’s top tip for wives to ensure the fidelity of a husband is to stop spending so much time in the kitchen and act more like their mistress.

How to act like a dominatrix

As a well-known mistress, Sarah Symonds has set up an online help forum called The Wife School to coach women on how to to become their husband’s mistress

Sarah, who is not married herself but is currently dating (‘only single men!’) believes that men’s needs are actually very simple, and if women are smart enough, they can satisfy them and stop infidelity creeping into a relationship.

‘It’s all about “the skills”. I call it the ESF rule: Men need to Eat, Sleep, and Fornicate,’ she says in an exclusive interview with MailOnline

‘Give them those in abundance and you might just get a monogamous husband. related]

‘ Yes, it is controversial that I founded this organisation as a well-documented Other Woman. But who better than someone who has been on the inside of infidelity for so many years?

‘I didn’t want to be that person anymore. I see it as a way of trying to give something back to the world, to try to make up for so many of the wrongs I have done,’ she said.

Sarah, from Newport, Wales, established Wife School, an online advice forum, after the success of her Canadian show The Mistress, which followed her on her mission to rescue women caught in the despair of an extra marital affair.

Sarah then appeared on hit U.S. show Dr Phil and took five mistresses on the show with her to discuss their livelihood; the show proved to get the best ratings of the entire series.

How to act like a dominatrix

How to act like a dominatrix

Sarah says she is a changed woman – and despite claiming to have slept with Gordon Ramsay (who, for the record, said of the claim: ‘Did I have a torrid seven year affair with her? Did I f***!) now says she sees the school as a way to make up for the wrongs she has done

After her success over the pond, she moved back to Wales and set up Wife School, a non-profit making organisation (‘you can’t ask women in despair for money’), after hearing from so many wives asking for her advice.

She now receives a constant flow of emails from wives in despair who worry that their husband is cheating and are desperately seeking tips on how to stop it happening.

Speaking about her latest venture, she said: ‘Wife School found me. I was working on my show The Mistress over in Canada which highlighted the topic and I had so many wives contacting me for advice.

How to act like a dominatrix

Sarah answers women’s questions when they fear that their husband is having an affair or simply want to spice up their marriage to stop their husband cheating

‘The school is geared towards making today’s marriages more successful and to ultimately lessen the divorce rates, and the subsequent demise to our society’s structure.

‘Any marriage or committed relationship needs daily maintenance and nurturing – people just don’t seem to realise that.

SARAH’S TOP TIPS TO AVOID BEING CHEATED ON

  • Don’t allow space in your marriage for other women to walk into
  • Spend less time in the kitchen
  • Spend more time in the bedroom
  • Stay up late with him
  • Be a good listener
  • Be affectionate

‘Marriage should be likened to a high powered job, once you land that job you know you need to show up daily, put a huge amount of effort into your role in order to keep it – and prosper within it – otherwise there is always the risk that someone may come along and take it from you.

‘Therefore, if more people treated their marriage as they do their job, more marriages would last the lifetime they are supposed to.’

Sarah maintains that she has a hawkeye when it comes to spotting the signs of cheating – and she wants to point them out to other women before it’s too late.

The self-proclaimed relationship guru maintains that it’s the men who bury their heads in the sand, those who join the gym, change their routine and influences are those having affairs, and she is keen to open women’s eyes to this.

‘Don’t allow space in your marriage for other women to walk into,’ she adds.

Her main advice to women is: Do more in the bedroom than the kitchen. Stay up late at night to see how his day went. Be affectionate and be a good listener.

‘I’m not a trained professional but I can relate and I know how men lie; I’ve got secrets and tips.’

Her long term plan is to turn her online venture into a physical school for women to engage in self-image lessons, learn communication skills and even fitness tips.

I believe that the whole Sisterhood has to bond together to beat these cheats right out of the shee ts,’ she says. ‘A lot of men should worry because I am here to beat the cheats.’

‘ I am here to wake other women up and teach them not to be a mousewife,’ she adds. And if all else fails, there’s always Wife School.’

How to act like a dominatrix

It feels terrible to be cheated on, but learning that your husband/spouse has been having an ongoing affair is even worse.

When a man has a mistress, it’s more than an indiscretion — it’s a continued relationship and the man has to make choices. Whether they’re financial or emotional, somebody is going to get hurt.

Most women don’t set out to become mistresses, they just find themselves in that position one day.

You have to decide if your relationship can be repaired or if the affair destroyed it forever.

Many men with mistresses do everything in their power to keep their affair and mistress a secret, and it can be hard to discover the truth.

You might wonder if there’s a certain type of woman your husband might be tempted by, and that’s where astrology can help.

The stars know what kind of woman your man is looking for as a mistress and can help you answer: is my married man in love with another woman?

This is the type he’d be likely to have an ongoing affair with, according to his zodiac sign.

1. Aries (March 21 – April 19)

The kind of woman an Aries would take as a mistress is someone who is successful in her own right.

She doesn’t need anyone and is very independent. She’s very sexually adventurous and the Aries man will feel that she keeps him on his toes.

2. Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

A Taurus man would never cheat unless he had completely fallen in love. If he takes a mistress, he’s probably planning on marrying her at some point.

The type of mistress for a Taurus is someone who loves luxury and is very sensual. She’s one of those women who enter a room just oozing of sensuality and sexuality.

She doesn’t have a lot of female friends and will be very devoted and a bit subservient to her man.

3. Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Unfortunately, Geminis don’t have a good reputation when it comes to cheating — they’re good at it. They like having a lot of different partners and mental stimulation.

The kind of woman a Gemini will take for a mistress is very smart, brilliant even.

She’s an amazing public speaker and possibly a doctor or college professor. He likes being with her because not only can she keep up with him, but she surpasses him in intelligence.

4. Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

The Cancer’s mistress is also his therapist, mommy, and caregiver.

When they’re together he spends half the time complaining, whining and being an emotional wreck. The Cancer man treats his mistress like he treats his wife and, in a way, that’s the greatest betrayal of all.

5. Leo (July 23 – August 22)

The type of woman that a Leo would take as a mistress is a woman in power who can help his career.

He feels like she really gets him as she is constantly complimenting him. His mistress is very good at sex and always surprises him in bed, and then says how amazing he was by putting the focus back on him.

6. Virgo (August 23 – September 22

This may be a positive or a negative depending on how you look at it, but if your Virgo man is having an affair, you probably won’t know it — but they’re that mysterious and discreet.

The type of woman a Virgo will take as a mistress will appear to be perfect, as Virgos tend to be perfectionists. She’ll look great, be smart, and will make the Virgo man feel wanted and admired.

7. Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Libras are great at keeping things compartmentalized so that both women in his life feel loved and nobody gets hurt.

The type of woman a Libra takes as a mistress will be polyamorous and very charming.

She’s into spirituality and new age kind of stuff. The Libra man may lie to his mistress to make her believe that he has an open marriage.

8. Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Scorpios aren’t big cheaters and they don’t like to lie, so if they have a mistress it’s because of some compelling reason, such as a wild sexual kink.

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The Scorpio mistress may be a dominatrix or some other kind of sex worker. She’s not afraid of his sexual appetites and she doesn’t hesitate to try and satisfy him.

9. Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

It’s not easy to get a Sagittarius to commit, but when they do they’re usually faithful. However, if they’re feeling like their relationship is getting stale, they may feel justified to have an affair.

It wouldn’t be out of the ordinary for a Sagittarius to have a number of women in different cities all around the globe, especially if his job requires travel.

The Sagittarius’ mistress may not even know that she’s someone’s mistress and may not be complacent with his deception.

10. Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Capricorns are honorable so they’d sooner leave a relationship than cheat. However, if they were to take a mistress, she’d be completely the opposite of his wife.

When Capricorns stray, they pick highly inappropriate women. She’d be irresponsible, flashy, promiscuous — someone that, in Capricorn’s mind, needed saving.

11. Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Aquarius is only going to cheat if they think their partner is cheating on them. The type of woman they’d take as a mistress would be very smart, unusual, and creative. This woman will keep the Aquarius man guessing about almost everything, especially about her feelings. She’ll be very unemotional and calm.

12. Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Pisces men love to have secret love affairs, so it’s not unlikely that they’d have a mistress.

The kind of woman that Pisces would take as a mistress would be very confident and self-centered, so the Pisces man could devote much of his time to pleasing her.

By: Katie Lersch: I am confident in saying that in most situations, people perceive the faithful spouse as the victim – at least whenever there is cheating is involved in a marriage. Admittedly, there will always be that minority of people who think that the wife must not have been loving or sexy enough to keep her man happy. But, I chose to believe that most people don’t truly have these thoughts. Most people realize that the spouse who cheats is the spouse at fault. Because most people realize that even in struggling marriages, cheating is a conscious choice. And it is the wrong choice.

That is why it can be so perplexing when the cheating spouse attempts to act like the victim. This is often an attempt to elicit pity. Or it is done in the hopes that it will make the faithful spouse a little more understanding. But that doesn’t mean that it isn’t frustrating.

A wife might say: “my husband seemed very remorseful on the day that I caught him cheating. He was crying and carrying on, and begging me not to leave him. Well, two days later, that has all changed. Now he is muttering phrases like: ‘I’m tired of you women manipulating me. Women get to do whatever they want to a man and then when things go wrong, it is the man who is blamed. The other woman flirted with me and told me that she didn’t want anything lasting, but of course she did. Then when I tried to break it off with her, she became clingy and pretty much blackmailed me. And then when you found out about the affair, you acted as if we had a wonderful marriage that was above reproach. You acted all shocked and as if you gave me everything that I needed when you know that you didn’t. But yet I am still the bad guy regardless.’ It is almost as if he believes that he is the one who got the raw end of the deal, as if he is the victim. It honestly makes me sick. How can I make him see that he is most certainly NOT the victim?”

Understanding How He REALLY Feels: I am not sure if your husband truly believes that he is the victim. Men caught cheating often have a couple of days where they are feeling sorry for themselves (for getting caught) and they are kind of wallowing in self pity. Very often, they have an affair at a time when they are already struggling. They may not realize that they had the affair hoping to feel better about themselves, but this is often the reality of it. So when everything backfires and they actually end up feeling worse about themselves, they can feel a great sense of loss and disappointment. This is real, in my opinion. They are not pretending.

So while it may look an awful lot like self pity or playing the victim, the disappointed feelings may feel quite real to your husband. He may or may not be looking for sympathy or understanding. But you get to decide how you are going to receive this behavior.

Because frankly, this often comes down to one awful, unfortunate choice. All of us deal with periods in our lives where we are let down and disappointed. But when this happens, we can chose to deal with it positively or negatively.

Your husband made the negative choice and this will potentially hurt people that he loves. Regardless of why he did this, he must take responsibility for this choice. This is what most people who cheat do not understand initially. You may feel pity or empathy for what they were going through, but their choice makes you feel anger and disappointment that is going to outweigh or cut into any pity that you might feel.

How You Feel Is Just As Important: There is nothing wrong with letting him know that you don’t intend to treat him like a victim and that regardless of how let down he feels, this doesn’t negate the choices that he has made.

There is nothing wrong with attempting to spell this out for him. If he knows where you stand, he may realize that taking the road he’s on is not going to do him any good. You might try: “what I am hearing is that you seem to perceive yourself as the victim in all of this. But what you don’t seem to appreciate is that, regardless of the circumstances, you made a choice to betray me, to break our marriage vows, and then to lie about it. And you need to take responsibility for that. I realize that I will have to take responsibility for what might have been lacking on my end of the marriage. I will eventually be prepared to look at that honestly, but I expect you to be prepared to look at the choices that you willingly made. You might see yourself as the victim and I can’t change that, but I can tell you that if you want to make any leeway with our marriage, I expect you take responsibility for your choices and actions and I will do the same.”

Many men eventually lay off of their victim strategy. They come to see that it is not working anyway. And they also come to see that it may not matter all of that much. The past is just that. And now the future must be dealt with. A person may have his reasons for the choices that he has made. But ultimately, he must live with them. And tomorrow is what matters. Debating who is the victim isn’t very productive. What is productive is moving forward from here.

I think that to a certain extent, both my husband and I were lobbying for the staring role of the victim at the same time. And it only made things worse. What helped was both of us deciding to act like the adults that we were and deciding how (or if) to move on with our marriage. There’s more about this process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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Thank you for visiting this site. I hope you find something useful here. By no means am I an expert but hopefully something you find here will help or support you in some way.

In a pastel-colored French patisserie in Beverly Hills, Mistress Harley sips on a Bellini topped with raspberries and scrolls through surveillance monitors on her Android. “Oh, look, there’s Ben!” she says, tapping on the screen with her long magenta nails. “He’s naked.”

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Speaking into the microphone on the app Nest, which is usually used for things like home security and pet monitoring, Mistress Harley instructs the man to kneel on the floor and bow down to her. He obeys. “You can see that I’ve made him sell all his stuff and even his bed, so he sleeps on the floor,” Mistress Harley explains. “He lives in Sacramento. I’ve actually been considering buying a house in Sacramento and making him rent it from me.”

Mistress Harley — who, like many in this article, refuses to reveal her legal name citing privacy and safety concerns — isn’t forcing Ben to do anything he doesn’t want to do. He is paying her a weekly salary to monitor him throughout the day. Sometimes she likes to cackle at him in the middle of the night via speakers installed in his bedroom. Other times, she’ll demand that he eat only meals that resemble dog food and send her photos as proof.

Though Ben is one of Mistress Harley’s most extreme clients, he is one of dozens of men who pay her to meddle in his life. Mistress Harley, who markets herself online as “the tech domme,” makes her living as a specialized kind of financial dominatrix. The niche profession has increasingly attracted smart, tech-savvy women looking to cash in on men’s desires to be dominated — not physically, but where it really hurts: in their wallets.

The arrangements vary. Some financial dominatrixes develop payment plans where clients fork over an agreed-upon salary to them every month. Others have men buy them gifts and pay their bills. Some, like Mistress Harley, add extra elements: Clients often grant her access to emails or social media accounts to gain information she can use in her domination — or so she can threaten to use their accounts in embarrassing ways if they refuse to pay. And there’s typically no physical contact at all.

Gifts have long been part of the dominatrix-client relationship, but the Internet has made financial domination more accessible.

“I think it’s the ultimate loss of control,” says financial dominatrix Bratty Nikki. “A lot of men are judged on how successful they are, and that is a good portion of what makes up their sense of self. When they say, ‘Hey, I’ve earned all this, and this is what I’ve worked for, this is a huge chunk of what makes me me, and I’m willing to give that up for you.’ I think they really enjoy that loss of power.”

Bratty Nikki’s specialty is filming videos of herself verbally degrading her viewers. Most of her clips range from $9.99 (for a clip called “male trash,” for example) to $100 (“for the really stupid losers only!” reads one such title) to watch. Because they cater to a fetish for “bratty princesses,” or unattainable women, Bratty Nikki’s 1,200-plus clips, all prerecorded and available for anyone to watch, are typically under 10 minutes long and rarely show nudity. Not just a source of passive income, they also serve as a marketing tool, attracting customers who voluntarily send her more money, cover travel expenses, and buy her clothes and gift cards on her Amazon shopping list, all of which she says constitute financial domination.

“Before I got into this, I thought [of the] typical dominatrix in a dungeon, wearing all leather, with a whip,” says Bratty Nikki, who previously worked as a stripper in Scottsdale, Ariz., before moving to Los Angeles with her husband. “I just think it’s so cool, because I feel like I’ve found my calling.”

Stripping taught her how to maintain control and not let men take advantage of her. She exploited those skills when she discovered financial domination through friends in 2011 and realized she could spend a lot less time making a lot more money. Her business took off, but she became fed up working with clip sites that took a cut of her revenue and offered minimal customer support.