How to accept that hes just not that into you

How to accept that hes just not that into you

It can be devastating when you are madly in love, sprung on, or just infatuated with a guy who doesn’t feel the same way about you. We can feel rejected, defeated and sometimes mystified (”is he just blind?”).

We can’t help who you fall for, and unfortunately from time-to-time we can fall for someone who doesn’t want us in the same way. It can be a painful and a very difficult situation from which to recover. The good news is that no matter how bad it may feels now, you will can get past this and move on with your life to a much happier relationship with someone who will want you back. Here’s how to start the healing process.

Make The Decision That You Want To Move On

Before you can move on from a situation like this, you need to make the decision that you want to move on. Sometimes it can feel better to wallow in our pain then to make the decision to move on. We fool ourselves into believing that if we hold out hope, he may come to his senses and all will be well in the fairy tale that we have imagined for this man. You cannot move on until you let go of hope for a future with this man, and make a decision that you deserve the mental freedom of moving on with your life. You can take as much time as you need to get over your feelings for this guy but don’t spend too much time wallowing in self-pity (it’s a trap that just makes you feel worse and longer than needed). Sitting around feeling sorry for yourself will not make you happy again and it certainly won’t make that guy want you. You don’t need to spend your life miserable just because one man didn’t want you back. Really think about your life and whether one guy is worth being miserable for. absolutely not!

Don’t Take It Personal – It’s Not About Your Worth

You can’t force love or desire; it is something that happens naturally. His desire for you does not determine your value. It is even possible that in the future you may see this guy with a new love, who is not as attractive as you are and wonder how he can want that person but didn’t want you. Like I said, you can’t force desire and you can’t help who you fall in love with. It isn’t all about looks or body shape, there needs to be a connection and both parties need to feel it. So don’t wonder what is wrong with you and why this guy didn’t want you, he just had different tastes (or didn’t know how to value all that you are). Some men prefer Bud Lite over Champagne. That’s their problem, not yours.

Allow Yourself to Grieve That He Doesn’t Want You

Grief is a natural and healthy part of the healing process. You might want to cry, listen to sad love songs, or even scream a little. Go for it. Grieve in any way that’s healthy (that does not hurt you or anyone else). I repeat: grieve in any way that’s healthy for you. He will NEVER want you back if you turn into that crazy guy/girl – so forego excessive calls / texts, unannounced drive-by’s, or bad mouthing him to friends or on social media. That’s not cute, and you’re so much better than that, my dear.

Get Your Feelings Out Of Your Head

One of my favorite strategies for starting to get over an ex is to write a letter to him expressing your feelings, but DO NOT send it to him. After writing it, rip it up. This gets the feelings out of your head, and symbolically helps you release your feelings about him. Try it, it helps!

Remember That MR. Right Is Out There

The important point is to remember that you deserve to be with someone that wants you as much as you want them. You will meet your Mr. Perfect and when you do, you will both feel the same love for one another. Your soul mate may be just around the corner, but you cannot embrace him until you allow yourself to let go of the one who doesn’t want you. If you don’t let him know, you will take the baggage from Mr. Wrong into the relationship with Mr. Right risk ruining that opportunity.

Malcolm “MJ” Harris is a Motivational Success Teacher and Entrepreneur featured by Oprah, Ebony, Essence, and USA Today who offers his always honest and practical advice on life, love, and money!

You want him, but things never seem to go in the right direction. In fact, you always feel like you’re just as far off from a relationship as the day you met him. If he’s displaying any of these signs, it’s time to accept the tough fact that he’s never going to be into you:

He doesn’t text back in a timely matter.
How to accept that hes just not that into you
Yes, we all have lives and no one has the time to sit there and text you back every five seconds. That doesn’t mean this guy doesn’t have any time to text you back until days later. If he leaves you waiting by the phone, then he obviously doesn’t respect you or your time. So take the clue and look for someone who will actually give a crap.

You’re always making the first move.
How to accept that hes just not that into you
Why? Because you’re the only one interested in something happening. He’s not just “too scared” to make the first move — he doesn’t want there to be a move at all. He denies your advances so smoothly that you don’t even realize you’ve been rejected, but it’s about time you take the hint.

He can’t seem to make time for you.
How to accept that hes just not that into you
A man is never “too busy” to see you… at least, not if he really wants to see you. If he’s interested in you, he’ll make the time to be with you. You deserve someone who can’t seem to stay away, not a man who thinks just about anything is better than being with you. He might have a busy life, but that doesn’t mean you should spend all your time waiting.

Your gut knows something is off.
How to accept that hes just not that into you
Even if you’re not aware of it, you have a woman’s intuition. When a guy’s not really into you, you can feel it. You might not want to admit it, but you’re not doing yourself any favors by just ignoring it. The sooner you realize that he’s not into you, the sooner you can move on to a man who will be.

He only hits you up when he’s bored, horny, or lonely.
How to accept that hes just not that into you
He’ll never make actual concrete plans with you. Everything is last-minute because he only wants to see you if he needs something or has nothing better to do. You don’t deserve to be a simple patch to whatever insignificant tear might be in his life. If he really likes you then he’ll want to be with you no matter what he’s feeling.

You’re not confident he has feelings for you.
How to accept that hes just not that into you
When a man really likes you, you’ll know. If you can’t tell or you’re just not sure, then you’re getting mixed signals for a reason. If he were actually interested, the message would be loud and clear. If he hasn’t acted on his “feelings” by now, it’s because he doesn’t have any — at least, not for you.

He doesn’t hit you up after a date.
How to accept that hes just not that into you
This should be obvious, but for some reason that isn’t always the case. You went on a first date, and you thought it was amazing, but then he doesn’t call. So you text him, but then you don’t get a single reply. Maybe he’s just busy? Or maybe you should open your eyes. The date only went great for one of you, and it wasn’t him.

He doesn’t take an interest in getting to know you.
How to accept that hes just not that into you
He doesn’t really ask about your life because frankly, he doesn’t really care. When you tell him things, he’s not really listening, and he’s never going to remember a word you say. He doesn’t really tell you about his life either. He’s not letting you in because he doesn’t want you in his life.

He tells you he’s not interested in a relationship.
How to accept that hes just not that into you
This is one of those things a lot of men say so you don’t get your hopes up. You just have to listen. You can try to ignore him or tell him he’s wrong, but he knows himself better than you do. If he says anything about not being interested or ready or good at relationships, then take the hint and run.

He has dismissive body language.
How to accept that hes just not that into you
Actions really can speak louder than words. People who aren’t interested keep their distance. He not only positions his body to face away from you, he also avoids eye contact like it will be the death of him. He doesn’t touch your arm or hug you when he sees you. In fact, he avoids physical contact altogether. One thing’s for sure: if his words don’t outright tell you he’s not interested, his body will.

He makes you feel bad about yourself.
How to accept that hes just not that into you
You’re so into him that it’s making you feel desperate, especially because you seem to be the one taking all the initiative. He doesn’t make you feel special, and you probably feel like crap because he’s treating you the same way he does everyone else. To him, you’re not special — you’re just another girl he’s not interested in. It’s time to move on and find someone who treats you like the catch you are.

The best dating/relationships advice on the web – sponsored. If you’re reading this, check out Relationship Hero a site where highly trained relationship coaches get you, get your situation, and help you accomplish what you want. They help you through complicated and difficult love situations like deciphering mixed signals, getting over a breakup, or anything else you’re worried about. You immediately connect with an awesome coach via text or over the phone in minutes. Just click here…

The best dating/relationships advice on the web – sponsored. If you’re reading this, check out Relationship Hero a site where highly trained relationship coaches get you, get your situation, and help you accomplish what you want. They help you through complicated and difficult love situations like deciphering mixed signals, getting over a breakup, or anything else you’re worried about. You immediately connect with an awesome coach via text or over the phone in minutes. Just click here…

How to accept that hes just not that into you

During my 30s while going through my own romantic drama and heartache, a friend once said to me, “When somebody shows you who they are, believe them.” Her words have always stuck with me and I totally understood the truth in her advice, but didn’t necessarily apply it to my life when it came to romantic interests.

There is no doubt that one’s behavior is the telltale sign of someone’s true nature, words are fleeting. It is the age old advice that actions speak louder than words. Although I have seen women, including myself, barrel thru these neon red flags of behavior when it comes to romantic interests. These signs alert us to the truth of another’s character and caution us to DON’T GO DOWN THAT ROAD.

So the big question is.

Why don’t women believe a man’s actions, when they show us who they are?

One of my favorite episodes of “Sex and the City” is when Carrie’s new boyfriend, Berger, is having dinner with the girls and Miranda is sharing her recent date experience. The girls are coddling Miranda and affirming that the guy will call her and that he is in fact interested. Berger’s opinion gets solicited and he simply states, “Honestly, the guy is just not into you.” The girls are mortified that he would say such a thing to Miranda and that he is wrong and not being nice. Miranda however, is interested in the male perspective and asks him to expand. He shares that when a guy is interested, he’s coming inside when invited in at the end of a date, whether he has an early meeting the next morning or not; and he’s not leaving without booking the next date.

In summary, if a guy is interested, you will know, there is no second guessing. If you have to second guess, then he is not interested.

Women have all had these exhausting conversations with our girlfriends trying to decode his behavior, to the point of ad nauseam. We also waste time and energy over-analyzing the behavior of a guy we are dating, making excuses for him, and justifying his behavior. These hours of wasted suffering, worry, and anxiety couldn’t be more counterproductive.

The truth is, if you are having to try and determine if he is really interested and available, then the answer is crystal clear – He is NOT. When a guy is truly interested, there is no question, no wondering, and no self-imposed drama trying to figure it out. You won’t have to ask yourself or anyone else, it will be obvious, because his behavior will tell you loud and clear when he is interested, anything less should reveal to you, “he’s just not that into you”.

If the answer is that black and white, then the real question is.

“Why don’t women want to see the obvious answer when he is just not that into you?”

We drag ourselves thru hell not wanting to see it. We waste time on the wrong guy, we lose hours of productivity, and we can end up with a guy that is not emotionally available, who will never commit, and ultimately won’t respectful to us.

I have always known the answer had something to do with women not wanting to feel rejected, so we lie to ourselves to try and avoid the inevitable hurt. However, through my own recent experience in recognizing quickly that this guy was just not that into me and letting it go quickly.

I realized something that felt profound to me.

We don’t want to acknowledge the truth because we deeply personalize the rejection, to the point of attaching our value and self-worth to whether or not this guy is interested. We give our power away and rely on the validation of a man to tell us that we are good enough. If they aren’t interested, we then ask ourselves, “What’s wrong with me?”

In fact, we are often so consumed with whether or not the guy likes us, that we don’t even bother to check in with our own feelings of whether or not we like him. Miranda demonstrates this perfectly in the Sex and the City scene. When asked how her date was with the real estate guy, she responds with “actually it wasn’t horrible”. She didn’t say “it was great” or “I really liked him”, yet the dilemma was still whether or not he would call! AH, WHAT?

Wake up ladies, this is a two way interview. Your value and worth has nothing to do with his perception of you, good or bad. Take your power back and trust the process. If you two are meant to be together, there is nothing that will keep you apart. But, even if you are really into him and he isn’t into you, trust it is meant to be, for your well-being as and his. Most importantly, it is not personal and it says absolutely nothing about your value as a human being, how lovable you are, or whether or not you will ever find Mr. Right.

Giving our power away, by basing our worth on someone else’s opinion of us will always create emotional suffering. When you shift into what you want, instead of whether or not someone want’s you – freedom and liberation will take a hold of you and move you forward gracefully.

When he is just not into you, it is a gift! Yes, I said a GIFT. For now you have the perfect situation to practice your own awakening and remembering the truth of who you are. whole, complete, lovable, and worthy – with or without a man. You were born into the world as pure love and nothing outside of you changes this. You only have to reclaim your power from within and let your own heart sing.

I can promise you this sister, when you are over flowing with love from within, you will only attract and be attracted to the real deal when it comes to romantic love. Even more importantly, you won’t waste another thought or emotion on a guy that is just not that into you. It won’t even register on your radar, because it just won’t matter to you – it will no longer equate to meaning anything about you. You won’t take it personally you, you won’t allow it to devalue you, and you’ll move on quickly and happily.

The first step in moving on is realizing a guy isn’t really interested in you. The next step is accepting it, which tends to be the hardest part. But we’ve all been there at some point and we all got through it, so there’s no reason you can’t get through it too. Just remember this:

You can’t control how someone else feels.
How to accept that hes just not that into you
Accepting he doesn’t like you the way you want him to also means accepting that there’s nothing you can do about it. It doesn’t matter how much you like him or how hard you try, his feelings are his feelings and you don’t get to dictate them. The sooner you face reality, the sooner you’ll be able to move on.

You’ve been in his position before.
How to accept that hes just not that into you
He may be the one doing the rejecting this time, but you’ve been that person plenty of times before. You know what it’s like to not be into someone who’s into you and it’s not exactly an easy position to be in. Try not to make it any harder than it has to be… for either of you.

There are plenty more guys out there.
How to accept that hes just not that into you
So this one guy isn’t into you. Luckily, there are literally millions of other guys out there that might be. Meeting new people and getting to know them can be fun, so get back out there and you’ll have a new crush to replace this one in no time.

There’s nothing wrong with you.
How to accept that hes just not that into you
Just because he doesn’t like you doesn’t necessarily mean there’s anything wrong with you. Some people just aren’t compatible and that’s all there is to it. You’re exactly what another guy is looking for so there’s no point in getting hung up on this one guy who didn’t want you.

He’s wrong for you anyway.
How to accept that hes just not that into you
Even if you thought he was The One, if he doesn’t feel the same way, that’s all the proof you need that he isn’t right for you. You won’t have to convince the right guy that you’re the one for him because he’ll already know it — probably before you do.

Chasing him probably won’t work.
How to accept that hes just not that into you
Whatever the reason is for his disinterest, it’s unlikely that hounding him will change his mind. The only thing you can really do is leave him alone and if he decides on his own he wants to give you a chance, then he will. But if not, you’ll still have all your pride intact.

At least he’s honest about it.
How to accept that hes just not that into you
There are plenty of guys out there who would lead you on for as long as it benefited them in some way. If this guy had the decency to let you down easy or at least make it clear he wasn’t feeling it, be grateful. You might expect honesty from guys, but it’s definitely not a guarantee.

It’s okay to be upset.
How to accept that hes just not that into you
Sometimes putting on a brave face is your first instinct when a guy rejects you because you don’t want to let on that he hurt you and give him any more power than he deserves. But admitting you actually liked him doesn’t have to be the same as admitting weakness. It takes strength to put yourself out there and you should never regret doing it.

Don’t let yourself become jaded.
How to accept that hes just not that into you
Rejection is never easy to take, but the worst thing you can do is take it personally and decide the world is out to get you. Playing the victim won’t get you anywhere, so after letting yourself wallow for a couple days, it’s time to put this setback behind you and get back out there if you want to find love.

The best dating/relationships advice on the web – sponsored. If you’re reading this, check out Relationship Hero a site where highly trained relationship coaches get you, get your situation, and help you accomplish what you want. They help you through complicated and difficult love situations like deciphering mixed signals, getting over a breakup, or anything else you’re worried about. You immediately connect with an awesome coach via text or over the phone in minutes. Just click here…

The best dating/relationships advice on the web – sponsored. If you’re reading this, check out Relationship Hero a site where highly trained relationship coaches get you, get your situation, and help you accomplish what you want. They help you through complicated and difficult love situations like deciphering mixed signals, getting over a breakup, or anything else you’re worried about. You immediately connect with an awesome coach via text or over the phone in minutes. Just click here…

Perhaps the advice from this classic rom-com is a little out of date, being that the film is now 11 years old, but the basic principles still apply—yet we still all hate to hear it.

It’s much easier to make excuses for someone rather than accept the fact that they just aren’t that into you. We blame the fact that they’re busy with work, scared of commitment, or just a reserved person, which is much easier for us to accept than knowing that they just don’t like you all that much.

But the truth is, if a guy really liked you and really wanted to be with you, he would text, he would show up, and he would make the effort. It hurts to hear, but better you face the truth than waste your time on a guy that isn’t fully invested. You deserve better, and there will be someone out there that is willing to give you better. So stop making excuses for him and find yourself a guy who doesn’t make you doubt how much they like you.

Regardless of if you’re a few weeks or a few years into something, these signs can apply at any stage of a relationship. It’s time to stop making up excuses, fake scenarios, and ‘what if’s’ and just accept that he’s just not that into you! (That being said, please don’t walk away from a five-year relationship because they do one of the things on this list! Apply some personal context first.)

1. He never texts first

I strongly believe we should not engage in the whole who should text first game. You do not have to take turns or wait for him to contact you. If you want to text him then do it, regardless of who’s turn it is! That being said, it may be a warning sign if you are always the one to initiate conversation. If we apply a little sexual bias here, we can assume that women are generally more chatty and perhaps put a little of it down to him not being much of a texter. But remember, if he was really into you, he would want to know how you are, he would want to arrange to see you and he would want to engage in small talk about your day. And if he isn’t much of a texter, he would pick up the phone and call you! We can excuse their poor communication skills a little, but if he never messages first, then perhaps he’s just not that into you.

2. He never asks you questions about yourself

If someone genuinely likes you, they will want to know everything about you. They will ask questions not only about your day but about your past, your family, and your likes and dislikes, (particularly when you are just starting out). If the questions always seem one-sided then perhaps he’s not that bothered about getting to know you.

3. He never makes an effort

Particularly during the beginning of a relationship, both parties should be putting in maximum effort to win each other over. Effort doesn’t necessarily mean fancy dinners or expensive gifts, but it does mean showing you that he cares. Does he ever make plans for you, cook for you, or send you a message when he’s thinking about you? Or is he just along for the ride, hoping to get by with minimum effort? In which case he’s probably not all that bothered if he has you in his life or not.

4. He’s never introduced you to anyone

Being introduced to the friends and family is a fairly big step, so don’t write them off if they haven’t done this yet. This generally means they see some kind of future with you, enough to want to introduce you to the most important people in their life. If you’re several months in and they haven’t even mentioned you to anyone, then it could mean they aren’t all that serious about you. Perhaps they want to be completely sure where it’s going before taking this step, so don’t be too hasty to assume they aren’t that into you. They might just be biding their time and making sure you’re heading in the right direction.

5. You’re always plan B

If he never fully commits to plans with you, it could be because he is waiting to see what other (potentially better) options come along. So instead, he’ll keep you on the backburner in case his other plans fall through. You don’t want to be someone’s plan B. If he likes you, he will want to spend time with you. He may be a popular guy, but he’ll find the time if he’s really that into you.

Don’t waste your time on guys who aren’t giving you what you want. You deserve someone who wants to know you, spend time with you and texts first every now and then! And if it turns out he isn’t that into you, don’t take it personally. Not everyone is going to be 100% compatible and 100% head over heels for you. It can be hard to see it and even harder to accept it, but if he’s just not that into you, then walk away and find someone who is.

How to accept that hes just not that into you

When I first became single again after a six-year relationship, I was admittedly a little out of touch with just how much the dating scene had changed . And, still being green, I quickly fell for a guy who I’d been seeing for just a few weeks.

He was devastatingly handsome, younger than me, and a lot of fun to be around. More importantly, he seemed genuinely keen on me – a refreshing feeling after coming out of a relationship that had gone stale for many months before it fizzled out. So, naively, I let myself spiral into highschool-level crushing, and began to make my premature investment known. Within days, the daily texts between us dried up, he spontaneously became a lot more “busy” and I found myself acting like a neurotic teenager, checking my phone dozens of times a day to see if he’d finally responded to my two-day-old text and obsessing over what I could have possibly done to make him go so cold.

I could’ve saved myself a lot of late nights gulping back tears with mouthfuls of ice-cream had he just told me the – now blatantly obvious – truth. He just wasn’t that into me anymore.

“If he’s not calling you, it’s because you are not on his mind,” says New York Times best selling author of He’s Just Not That Into You, Greg Behrendt.

““Busy” is another word for “asshole.” “Asshole” is another word for the guy you’re dating. You deserve a fucking phone call.”.

It’s a brutal logic, but Behrendt asserts accepting the hard truth will ultimately set you free, empowering you to go forth and dedicate your time to men that are actually genuinely into you, rather than descending into the insecure crazy woman we all dread becoming. So, if you’re ready for some hard truths, here are six ways Behrendt says he’s trying to tell you he’s just not that into you…

1. He’s been “busy”

“I’m about to make a wild, extreme and severe relationship rule: the word busy is a load of crap and is most often used by assholes. The word “busy” is the relationship Weapon of Mass Destruction,” explains Behrendt in his best-selling book.

“It seems like a good excuse, but in fact in every silo you uncover, all you’re going to find is a man who didn’t care enough to call. Remember men are never to busy to get what they want.”

So stop looking for validation from your girlfriends that he’s “probably just got a lot on his plate right now” and accept the fact that if he were really into you, he’d scramble together a couple of seconds during the day to text or call and let you know he’s under the pump, but he’s still thinking of you.

2. He flakes on you

You had plans to catch a movie on the weekend, but it’s 10 p.m. Saturday night and you still haven’t heard from him. He probably just got caught up, right? Not so, says Behrendt.

“A man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the woman he loves,” the dating guru explains.

“You already have one asshole. You don’t need another. Make a space in your life for the glorious things you deserve. Have faith.”

3. You’re still trying to figure him out

“If the guy you’re dating doesn’t seem to be completely into you, or you feel the need to start ‘figuring him out,’ please consider the glorious thought that he might just not be that into you. And then free yourself to go find someone that is,” says Behrendt.

“Don’t spend your time on and give your heart to any guy who makes you wonder about anything
related to his feelings for you.”

4. You’ve become a crazy woman

If you’ve already checked your phone more times than you can count, willing it to light up with one of his increasingly infrequent texts, you already have your answer as to what his level of investment in you is, says Behrendt.

“What I can do is paint you a picture of what you’ll never see when you’re with a guy who’s really into you. You’ll never see you staring maniacally at your phone, willing it to ring. You’ll never see you ruining an evening with friends because you’re calling for your messages every 15 seconds. You’ll never see you hating yourself for calling him when you know you shouldn’t have. What you will see is you being treated so well that no phone antics will be necessary. You’ll be too busy being adored.”

5. He rarely does what he says

If he throws around “I’ll call you” and “We should get together this week” like they’re confetti, rarely, if ever, delivering on his promises, then the only thing he’s keen on is stringing you along.

“We have become a sloppy bunch of people. We say things we don’t mean. We make promises we don’t keep,” says Behrendt.

“We now don’t even expect people to keep their word; in fact we might even be embarrassed to point out to the dirty liar that they never did what they said they’d do. So if a guy you’re dating doesn’t call when he says he’s going to, why should that be such a big deal? Because you should be dating a man who’s at least as good as his word.”

6. He doesn’t know your friends

According to Behrendt, a man who is really invested in you will want to take the time to meet, and even impress, the people that matter to you in your life, so if he’s always making excuses as to why he can’t make it to that friend’s 30th you invited him to or the family dinner you told him about, he’s trying to let you know that he just doesn’t feel that way about you.

“He doesn’t have to love your CD collection. He doesn’t have to love your shoes. But any good, mature guy better make an attempt to love your friends and family—especially when they’re great.”

Images via and

Comment: Have you ever held on too long, when a guy was dropping hints he wasn’t that into you?

In some cases, this popular dating approach may do more harm than good.

The popular self-help book He’s Just Not That Into You: The No Excuses Truth To Understanding Guys is intended to empower women to stop waiting around for disinterested guys. To illustrate its premise, here is a clip from the film version of the book:

There are certainly times when women and men alike need to be snapped out of wishful thinking, but for some people and in some situations, this tough love approach may backfire. Here’s why.

1. He might be into you.

One of the central ideas behind He’s Just Not That Into You, illustrated by the clip above, is that women need to stop making excuses for guys’ failure to ask them out, call them, and otherwise make their interest clear. The bottom line: “If a guy doesn’t call you, he doesn’t want to call you.”

While this may be true much of the time, there may also be plenty of times when a guy wants to call but doesn’t, for any number of reasons. Asking someone out for the first time can be scary, especially for people who have been hurt in the past or who are nervous about being rejected. Such cases are not uncommon: Research suggests that up to 25 percent of Americans have an avoidant attachment style, meaning they have difficulty trusting others and being emotionally vulnerable; this rate is even higher among men.

It’s also possible that a guy won’t want to come on too strong because he likes you and doesn’t want to seem too desperate. Of course, you may not want to be with someone who has trouble communicating their feelings, but if you like him, it might worth giving a shy guy the benefit of the doubt—at least in the early stages of dating.

2. Your beliefs might become reality.

You might make him disinterested just by believing it. The self-fulfilling prophecy is one of the most well-established findings in the field of psychology. It refers to the process by which our expectations influence the way we behave and interpret others’ behavior, which in turn can elicit the very behavior in others that confirms our expectations.

In a classic study, for example, teachers were told that certain randomly-selected students were about to blossom intellectually, and others were not. This expectation, though based on false information, led the teachers to behave differently towards the two groups of students (e.g., asking the blossomers more questions than the non-blossomers), which in turn led to the expected performance differences between the two groups.

Likewise, if you believe that someone isn’t into you, your behavior towards them might reflect this belief (e.g., you might be unfriendly and even hostile) which could lead them to truly not be into you, even if they were initially interested. This may be a problem particularly for people who are higher in rejection sensitivity, as these individuals are especially likely to over-perceive rejection in others’ ambiguous behavior (i.e., lots of false “he’s just not that into me” alarms).

3. We all need cushions.

Yes, recognizing the cold hard truth might be liberating—but does it have to be so cold and hard? Assuming that you’ve done your part but the other person is definitively disinterested, couldn’t you frame the “He’s just not that into me” message in gentler terms, like, “Maybe he’s not the guy for me” or “I deserve someone who treats me well,” or even “Oh well, I guess he just doesn’t realize how awesome I am”?

We may complain about break-up euphemisms—like the dreaded “It’s not you, it’s me.” But would you really rather be told, “Actually it is you. I just don’t find you that attractive or interesting”? If not, why say that to yourself? Although it’s important to have enough self-awareness to learn from past mistakes and recognize dysfunctional patterns of behavior, a little self-deception can’t hurt, especially when cushioning the blow of rejection—a blow that signals “low relational value” and undermines confidence.

Research suggests that people who hold positive illusions about themselves, rather than being hyper-aware of their shortcomings, tend to be happier and healthier. Sometimes it’s better to believe that it’s not about you, even if it is.

4. The power problem.

Perhaps most importantly, the phrase “He’s just not that into you” has a fatal flaw: “He” is the subject and “you” are the object, a grammatical structure that reflects an outdated power differential between the sexes. What about what you want and who you’re into? And why isn’t there an equally popular book called She’s Just Not That Into You, given that it’s men who tend to overestimate women’s attraction to them? (See this post by fellow Psychology Today blogger Nate Kornell.)

To illustrate the power problem, here is an excerpt from the book:

Dear Greg,

I met a really cute guy at a bar this week. He gave me his number and told me to give him a call sometime. I thought that was kind of cool, that he gave me control of the situation like that. I can call him, right?



Dear Control Freak,

Did he give you control, or did he just get you to do the heavy lifting? What he just did was a magic trick: It seems like he gave you control, but really he now gets to decide if he wants to go out with you—or even return your call. Why don’t you take Copperfield’s number, roll it in a newspaper, pour milk in it, and make it disappear. When men want you, they do the work. I know it sounds old school, but when men like women, they ask them out. Because if the men are asking you out, if the men have to get your attention, then you, in fact, are the one in control. There’s no scheming and plotting.

Alternatively, Lauren could just call the guy and see what happens—no scheming and plotting necessary. While it might be true that we’re still used to the old-fashioned guy-asks-out-girl method, this system may be just as limiting for guys as it is for girls, as some (if not most) guys may enjoy being pursued from time to time.

It is comforting to believe that there is a simple formula for finding love, but the reality can be messy and complicated. It often requires that we abandon our preconceived notions about gender roles and courtship rituals—as well as be willing to go with our gut when something just feels right.

Are there any signs he’s just not that into you? As a relationship expert, I can guarantee you that there are. You just might not know what to look for, but I encourage you to keep reading and check to see if you’re in a one-way relationship.

There’s something really discouraging about being in a one-way relationship. A relationship in which you are doing all the work, and putting in most of the effort. A relationship in which you find yourself on an emotional roller-coaster, one day confused, one day elated, but always lacking in direction.

The interesting thing about these kind of relationships, is that it’s so easy to recognize them in the lives of others…

But in our own lives, we can’t seem to see them for ourselves.

I meet young men and women who are living a “desperate” life by the way they choose to act and interact with the opposite sex. Wanting so badly to find love, they’ll do anything to make it happen. Finding excuse after excuse; continuing to go back to a relationship- or even the hope of a relationship- that does not reflect love in any way shape or form.

One-sided, non -reciprocated, hard-to-get relationships. Maybe, he’s just not that into you.

As hard as that may be to swallow, it’s also a message of hope. Because true, life-long, healthy relationships are made up of two people who are just as into one another. We are so desperate for the chase, that we don’t realize that true love has nothing to do with “getting” someone to like you, and everything with them “choosing” to love you. You are so worth that!

It’s important to realize that if you find yourself in a relationship with someone who is unable to give and receive in such a way- maybe the problem is more about them than it is about you. Maybe it’s time to walk away (and by the way – here are 10 guys you should never date). I look back at my relationship history, and thank God for the guys that were “just not that into me”, because those are the very things that God used to lead me in the right direction, and ultimately to the right man. Though it hurt like crazy at the time, I couldn’t be more thankful that He did, and my life is all the better for it.

If you find yourself stuck in this kind of negative pattern with someone, it’s time to take inventory of the kind of people you’re allowing into your life. The bottom line is that if you recognize one or more of these kind of interactions, is to consider the signs that he’s just not that into you.

1. Getting stood up, pushed to the back-burner, or ignored is not an exception, it’s the norm.

2. He doesn’t put effort into initiating interactions or conversations.

3. His words speak louder than his actions, and his actions don’t speak much.

4. You are the one who is always texting first, calling first, communicating first.

5. He treats other girls like he treats you.

6. He talks to you about other girls…or worse yet, checks out other girls.

7. He keeps making excuses for why he can’t be there.

8. You’re constantly feeling disappointed, discouraged, or let down.

9. You’ve been spending a significant amount of your time trying to interpret the mixed signals wondering if he “loves me” or “loves me not”.

10. He tells you he’s not ready for a relationship, but then wants to be physical.

11. He has no boundaries with the opposite sex.

12. You find yourself making excuses for him time and time again.

13. You feel like you’re giving more than you’re getting.

Like any healthy interaction, dating relationships, should also be reciprocal. Two people involved. Two people invested. Two people pursuing and being pursued. Two people committing, caring, and communicating. Two people who are putting in the same amount, and receiving even more…

Why do we allow ourselves to settle for less? It’s time to trust God for more. We deserve to be loved just as we are giving love, and in romantic relationships, this is how God intended it to be. Two people, building, edifying, encouraging, and investing in one another.

Wait for that, because anything less is not worthy of the wait. Nor will it ever be.

Debra Fileta is a Professional Counselor, national speaker, relationship expert, and author of True Love Dates: Your Indispensable Guide to Finding the Love of Your Life, where she writes candidly about dating, relationships, and how to find true love. Her newest book, Choosing Marriage, is set to be released in the Summer of 2018! You may also recognize her voice from her 200+ articles at Relevant Magazine,, and all over the web! She’s the creator of this True Love Dates Blog, reaching millions of people with the message that healthy people make healthy relationships! Connect with her on Facebook or Twitter or book a session with her today!

Looking to understand why he hasn’t asked you out? Check out my in-depth look from a Counselor’s perspective of the 10 Reasons He Hasn’t Asked You Out: And What You Can Do About It!

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How to accept that hes just not that into you

Have you seen the 2009 blockbuster, He’s Just Not That Into You?

If not, it’s just another one of those romantic comedies I tend to roll my eyes at. After all, they all follow the same general storyline.

Boy and girl meet. Boy and girl lose each other. Boy and girl live happily every after. The “how” and “why” would be the reason to continue watching a romantic comedy.

In He’s Just Not That Into You, the boy tells the girl she is “the rule” and not “the exception.”

Wait… what does that even mean? It sounds like he told her she wasn’t “special” or “unique.” It sounds like he was saying she was “normal” – is that what “the rule” means?

In the dating world “the rule” meant that guys who are jerks are just that. Jerks. They don’t really care about you. Particularly if they cheat, lie, don’t call you back, etc.

In the dating world “the exception” means everyone makes mistakes. But there are people out there who genuinely care about you. And who are willing to overcome those mistakes to be the best version of themselves.

The same can apply to any lifestyle. We tend to look at people who do big things with their lives as “the exception.” They were able to do what they did with their lives because they are “special” and “unique” and “talented.”

Or they have the financial funds and background and upbringing to launch them into a successful life.

They are “the exception.”

Which automatically makes ordinary people like the rest of us “the rule,” because we don’t have what they have.

But what if we could?

What if we could change our mindset from being “the rule” to becoming “the exception”?

It all begins with a mind-shift change.

It doesn’t happen immediately, and it’s something you have to work on deliberately, every single day.

You can have the success you see in others.

You can live the life of your dreams.

You do have the power to reach your goals.

You can be “the exception.”

It’s time to start believing in fairy tales and making the impossible, possible. There are thousands of individuals spanning history who have already done it. You could be next. What’s stopping you?

Are you treating yourself like you’re “the rule” or “the exception?”

How to accept that hes just not that into you

Angela is a Digital Marketing Consultant and Lifestyle Coach who enjoys inspiring individuals to take action to achieve their ideal lifestyle. She resides in Nashville, Tennessee where she enjoys sports and music when not reading and writing. You’re most likely to find her sipping a white chocolate mocha at a local coffee shop, trying out the latest and greatest in technology or working on her next book. Always happy to hear from other she looks forwarding to meeting from you! Stop by her site or any social media platform to leave her a note!