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How to accept blame when you deserve it

How to accept blame when you deserve it

Everyone has had the experience of making a bad decision and then being blamed for it. Rather than looking out for ways to keep it your big secret, it is important that you come clean and accept the consequences. If you look for ways to avoid blame, you will end up losing respect and standing. On the contrary, if you own up, people will eventually appreciate your decision to take responsibility.

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Instructions

Confess

It all starts by confessing that you indeed messed it up. People make mistakes and the best thing for you is to admit yours. It is better to recognize the mistake yourself rather than someone else pointing it out. Moreover, the sooner you know about the mistake, the better chances you have of finding quick solutions and limiting the damage.

Don’t put the blame on someone else

The blame game will end at some point and it is better that you hold your hand up and face the consequences rather than searching for scapegoats. Putting the blame on someone else will only aggravate the whole situation and put your own reputation at risk. More people getting involved means that you have blown away your chance of finding a possible answer.

Time to act fast

After the problem is identified, it is time for you to act fast and identify ways which will help you eradicate your mistake. If the problem does not have a short term solution, then keep digging and take every matter step by step. Start all over again by recalling the whole process and identify the portion where it all got wrong.

Take help

If matters are out of your hand, then assist your superiors in finding possible solutions. It is often your bosses or parents who have to have the decision authority regarding your mistake so it is important that you apologize and come forward with explanations. It may not prevent you from facing the wrath of your employers or loved ones but it will speak volumes of your integrity.

Accept your fate

It will not be an easy ride even if you have shouldered most of the blame. There will be some consequences and it is important that you face them. Although this may be tough for most to handle, accepting your fate will ensure that the penalty is as minimal as possible.

How to accept blame when you deserve it

It’s a scene we’ve watched a hundred times: A public figure glares into the camera with an expression of outraged innocence and declares, “I am not a crook!” or “It was dehydration, not a drug overdose!” or “I have never had an affair!” Most of us in the viewing audience used to give these folks the benefit of the doubt, but not anymore. We’ve grown jaded watching a succession of well-known people make bold disclaimers that later proved to be flat-out falsehoods.

Of course, this always makes me conscious of my own weasel-ish tendencies. It’s so easy to commit the occasional sin of omission, to tell the little white lie that conveniently precludes taking the blame for my mistakes. But even when I’m doing this, I know it’s a short-term solution with disastrous long-term effects. Avoiding responsibility for our actions is the single most effective way to get stuck—or stay stuck—in a life that doesn’t work. It turns all the energy we might use for problem solving into keeping us insulated from the very experiences and information we most need to learn and grow.

Recognize when it’s not your fault. While some folks avoid blame, others apologize for everything, from their allergies to global warming to the Spanish Inquisition. Accepting blame for things over which we have no control is just as counterproductive as dodging the blame we deserve. It’s not surprising that many people take the blame when it doesn’t belong to them. We females, in particular, are often socialized to hold ourselves responsible for other people’s feelings and behavior, thinking that if we don’t take care of them physically and emotionally, their bad moods or reprehensible actions are our fault.

Watch your language. If, like yours truly, you sometimes get confused about what is or is not your responsibility, you might want to use a very simple and effective method of differentiating between things you can’t control and things you can. All you have to do is pay close attention to the way you talk—specifically, the way you use the phrases “I have to” and “I can’t.” Pretend you’re wearing a shock collar and you get zapped every time you use these phrases when they aren’t literally, physically true.

When you sound like a passive victim of circumstance, you come to act and think the way victims do. The power to determine your own thoughts and actions goes out the window—and with it, your chance at a fulfilling life. Try this verbal discipline for a week or so. Instead of saying “I can’t,” substitute more accurate phrases like “I choose not to” or “I don’t want to.” Rather than “I have to,” say “I choose to” or “I’ve decided to,” or simply “I’m going to.” Suddenly, you’ll see a wide range of choices and options available to you in situations where you once felt powerless. This isn’t always comfortable, but it is incredibly liberating.

Taking the blame stings, like most disinfectants. But the longer you wait to deal with your mistake, the more miserable the process is going to be. Better to accept responsibility the way you’d clean a wound: quickly, thoroughly, with no nonsense whatsoever. This means fully admitting a mistake, apologizing to anyone you may have harmed by your actions, and making any amends you possibly can, without wallowing in shame or acting pathetic in a bid for leniency.

If you take the blame this way, the results will be far more positive than you’d expect.

A common tactic of narcissists is to assign aspects of their personality to others. They will deny their own flaws, laying them on the people around them. After all, it’s a heck of a lot easier to blame than to accept blame. If you are dealing with a narcissist, you have likely seen this tactic in action and found it to be confusing and distressing. The good news is, there’s a positive way to deal these projections. Read on to learn more.

How to accept blame when you deserve it

Lynell Ross

Table of Contents

Educate yourself

When you do not understand why the person in your life is saying terrible things about you and falsely accusing you of things you aren’t doing, you may feel like you are going crazy.

Narcissist’s project their anger, mistrust, and other unhealthy behaviors onto you because they can’t see it for themselves. Once you get this, you can unhook from their projections.

Never fight with a narcissist

The best way to handle a narcissist’s projections is to stay as calm as possible. First, narcissists love to fight, so as soon as they get you upset, they win.

Do everything you can to remain as cool as you can. This will not only help you stay out of the “fight or flight” mode, so you can think clearly, it will fluster the narcissist because they won’t know what to do. You will never win a fight with a narcissist because they are mean, lack empathy, and will do anything to win, but you can keep your dignity and reputation by refusing to accept their accusations. A good comeback is, “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

Ignore the blame and projections.

This sounds unfair at first, but your narcissist will never listen to you, so ignoring them is your best defense. The blame, accusations, and projections can be endless when dealing with a narcissist and it is exhausting.

If they are smearing you to other people, stay calm. You can’t run around trying to stop them from projecting their bad behavior about you, but you can remain in control of yourself. If they degrade you to people who matter to you, explain what you are dealing with as best you can. Chances are the people they speak to know the kind of person they are and will believe you. If not, a narcissist will always show their unhealthy behaviors, and you will be vindicated by being your best self.

Learn to disagree

Everyone is entitled to his or her own opinion, but no one should belittle the other for it. A narcissist has the tendency to claim an identity of grandeur for himself and may think he’s the only right one in the room.

You know for a fact which criticisms are constructive and which are not, so always be open-minded and don’t fear disagreeing with a narcissist. Doing that will [diffuse] his pride because he senses someone is determined to fight back.

Never accept a false accusation. Speak the truth about the narcissist, they are afraid of that. Their overly promoted confidence is their defense mechanism so you have to learn how to break it by speaking the truth about him.

However, I don’t recommend doing this in public or when you’re angry, which can be hard, especially when you have reached your limit. You still have to be careful with your words so wait for a good time and converse in private about his bad habits.

How to accept blame when you deserve it

Alicia Hough

How to accept blame when you deserve it

Alysia Bear

Take care of yourself first

I’ve found, after years of therapy and struggle, that the number one thing I can tell anyone who’s dealing with a narcissist is that it is imperative you take care of yourself first, realize they’ll never change and take a step back for relationship reflection.

Oftentimes, we’re left investing to no end and feeling like it’s never good enough, whether this is a personal or professional relationship. A narcissist will never truly be capable of the empathy that’s required to understand how it feels when you’re pouring your heart into something and longing for reciprocity. Although many can form decent, loving relationships, it’s important to acknowledge and accept them for who they are and that it’s like keeping a constrictor snake as a pet—eventually, someday, a snake will be a snake, and you will get squeezed.

Realizing that you’re not an anomaly to them, someone special or the exception to their selfishness can do a world of good, as narcissistic manipulation and charm can be highly appealing. This doesn’t just happen, as narcissism is as much ingrained in a person as their religious leanings or political persuasions, even more so, as it’s an actual mental condition. It’s imperative to keep this in mind and understand that you’ll never be the exception to their illness. You have to remember that and operate with your own clear head.

It’s also necessary to set “healthy boundaries” and not bend on those, regardless of the manipulation, guilt, or even anger that you may experience. A narcissistic individual will likely not take kindly to boundaries, they never really do, and it’s important to realize that any pushback on their end is a red flag on yours. No is a complete sentence and never an excuse for abuse.

It’s also essential that you don’t accept blame for things you don’t deserve to be blamed for, though knowing it’s also a smart idea to pick battles with a narcissist because they’re often spoiling for a fight or a means to display their power. If you don’t have to deal with a narcissist, my advice would be to steer clear because it’s a messy, confusing, painful diagnosis to navigate, and one I certainly encourage therapy for.

Know your standards

Your boundary is the moment your “no” begins, and you take action to move your body away when someone approaches your limits. It’s helpful to know what your minimum standard is around how people treat you. Examples of some basic boundaries might include no name-calling or threats.

Others may refuse to honor your boundaries, and you may feel invalidated and confused by their words and actions. This can be incredibly triggering, and once triggered, it’s hard to problem-solve effectively.

Your body’s response to a trigger moves hundreds of times faster than your logical, analytical neocortex. This means once you are in fight/flight/freeze/fawn, your capacity to reason and problem-solve is greatly diminished.

Instead of trying to defend yourself or make sense of the chaos, start tracking your felt-sense of confusion, agitation, or frustration in your body. Does your breathing become shallow, your heart race, your thoughts become rapid?

Once you can recognize your physical cues, that’s a sign to pause and walk away from the interaction until your nervous system has calmed down. You’ll be able to think more clearly and come up with more satisfying solutions if you wait until you feel centered. Only re-engage once the other person is willing to honor your minimum standard for how to have a respectful interaction.

It is never easy to stop thinking about a cute barista or an embarrassing moment, but you have to do it and find ways to divert your mind. You need to focus on the future and stop delving too much in the past. It is important to be willing to embrace the change to get close to your new vision. Have you been trying hard to forget about your ex? Knowing how to stop thinking about somebody will put you in a better position to shape your life. Let's discover more about it.

How to Stop Thinking about Someone You Decide to Let Go

Have Your Focus on the Future

You have to stop yourself from mulling over what your ex did or why they are no longer in your life. Tell yourself that things will change and improve with every passing day. Do not let you stuck in the mud and envision yourself enjoying life. Have yourself surrounded by people you love. You will be happy if you choose to be happy. Just keep fait and know that future has some nice stuff for you in store. That belief will take you far and help you forget about someone.

Throw Old Items and Embrace the Change

It is hard to shake the feeling of heaviness but you are never going to move ahead in life if you keep reminding yourself about the experience you had with your ex. Do not keep look at all the old stuff that reminds you of your ex. Get a big trash bag, fill it up with old items and throw it out of your life for good. Then, get some new clothes, freshen up your look, and enjoy the change in your life.

Stay Busy, Get a New Hobby, and Volunteer

You have to keep yourself busy to understand how to stop thinking about someone. Keeping your mind occupied with other things will make it easier to forget about any traumatic events in your life. Starting a new hobby will help. You may also join groups, plan things with friends, and have some new experiences to stop thinking about painful memories. Start doing something you love. Learn about it from magazines or every book that you can find. Staying with the victim mentality is keep you stuck in the past. Get out of that mindset. If possible, volunteer and help your community.

Face the Fact

It is important to avoid living in the state of denial. Your ex is no longer with you – accept that. You will be in a better position to plan ahead once you accept the fact that you are now alone. If you do not accept it or pretend that you do not miss that person, you are never going to get better. Understand that your ex really existed and you have shared some great moments of your life with them. Instead of trying to forget them, have your focus on finding ways to avoid getting affected by the fact that they are no longer around.

Never Design Encounter

Once someone has walked out of a relationship, there is no point in chasing them. You have to understand it and never try to find ways to contact them or design encounters. Fantasizing about happy reunions is easy but it usually does not happen the way you plan. It only makes it difficult for you to learn how to stop thinking about someone. Accept that they are out of your life, and you should never stalk them, offline or online. Otherwise, you will stay stuck!

Use Blame Wisely

One way to stop thinking about your ex is to think of their negative traits and make yourself understand that you deserve better. Tell yourself that the person was not as perfect as you thought. Do not just remember their flaws but also heighten them to make you feel better. Never try to criticize you or blame yourself for what happened.

How to Stop Thinking about Someone Who Hurt You

Do Not Say Much, Wait More

When dealing with a reactive person, it is always a good idea to say less and let more time pass. It will help you greatly to simmer down and think better. Never try to react to difficult situations and people right away. Just give yourself time and see how things unfold.

Do Not Involve in the Blame Game

You are never going to get anything out of blame game. Do not pick apart past events and try to find who was at fault. Misunderstandings usually do not happen with one event; both parties are usually responsible to some extent. Do not involve in that.

Set Priorities and Deal with Problems Carefully

The best thing is to identify the biggest problem and tackle it first. For some clarity, you need to overcome your anger because it keeps you from thinking straight. First, deal with yourself – exercise, meditate or take a walk – before you confront someone else.

Look for Facts

Instead of imagining something about someone, you should reach out and talk to them directly. Understand that your thoughts are never facts. Be sure to hear their side of the story before jumping to a conclusion. If you give it time and hear what others have to say, you may be able to differentiate between reality and mere imagination.

Try to Forgive

It will be difficult but this is the most crucial part in learning how to stop thinking about someone who has harmed you. It is also for your own sake because forgiving someone may be the best way to move ahead in life. It is not just for the other person but it is equally helpful for you. Forgive so you can live without having to think too much about the painful events.

Use Your Imagination

Meditation helps and becomes even more beneficial when accompanied by powerful imagery. It will help you feel better once you have forgiven the person. It will also save you from stressful thoughts.

How to accept blame when you deserve it

In a recent Shepard Letter, I wrote about the concept of giving recognition to the people who deserve it. Someone being recognized for what they bring to the organization is often overlooked. That’s a shame. People need to be recognized for their contribution to the team’s success. One of our faithful readers, Drew Smith, responded to the article and shared that he was reading a biography about the 34 th President of the United States, Dwight Eisenhower, who was known for “pushing praise down and blame up—to himself.”

This is an interesting concept. The idea of praising people for the good job they do is powerful. It’s quite easy and comfortable to share praise, but what about the concept of blame? For most, that is a difficult topic. But Eisenhower was willing to take the blame, even for something that could be considered out of his control. There is a famous speech he never gave. It had to do with the invasion of Normandy in World War II. He believed that based on the information he had from his team of experts that the invasion would be successful. Even so, he prepared his speech on the chance the effort would fail, and it ended with the closing line, “If any blame or fault attaches to the attempt it is mine alone.”

Consider that the 33 rd President of the United States—Eisenhower’s immediate predecessor—was Harry S. Truman, who had a sign on his desk that read, “The buck stops here!” He referred to this sign in a number of his speeches. Its meaning was about accepting personal responsibility for the way he ran the country. He wasn’t going to “pass the buck,” or blame anyone else for his failures.

Do you see a trend here? As I look at successful people, I notice something they have in common. They are quick to praise and recognize others—and just as quick to accept blame for failure. By the term “successful,” I’m not just referring to presidents of countries or leaders of large companies. No, success isn’t just defined by a title. My friend, Mark Sanborn, wrote a book entitled You Don’t Need a Title to Be a Leader: How Anyone, Anywhere, Can Make a Positive Difference. The title of that book sums it up nicely. It doesn’t matter what you do, you just have to act like a leader. It’s behavioral. Recognizing others who are successful is the act of a leader. Accepting responsibility (and blame) for something that happened under your watch is also powerful leadership behavior.

It’s never fun or easy when something doesn’t go the way you planned. What’s even more difficult is taking responsibility for it, and beyond that, admitting you were wrong. But, as I said, it’s crucial to moving forward. Don’t be the person who “passes the buck” when mistakes are made. Instead, emulate the leadership behavior of Eisenhower and Truman. Even though you may never be President of the United States or even have the job title of “leader” within your own organization, you can still set the example of what makes a good leader by giving praise and owning blame.

How to accept blame when you deserve it

In a recent Shepard Letter, I wrote about the concept of giving recognition to the people who deserve it. Someone being recognized for what they bring to the organization is often overlooked. That’s a shame. People need to be recognized for their contribution to the team’s success. One of our faithful readers, Drew Smith, responded to the article and shared that he was reading a biography about the 34 th President of the United States, Dwight Eisenhower, who was known for “pushing praise down and blame up—to himself.”

This is an interesting concept. The idea of praising people for the good job they do is powerful. It’s quite easy and comfortable to share praise, but what about the concept of blame? For most, that is a difficult topic. But Eisenhower was willing to take the blame, even for something that could be considered out of his control. There is a famous speech he never gave. It had to do with the invasion of Normandy in World War II. He believed that based on the information he had from his team of experts that the invasion would be successful. Even so, he prepared his speech on the chance the effort would fail, and it ended with the closing line, “If any blame or fault attaches to the attempt it is mine alone.”

Consider that the 33 rd President of the United States—Eisenhower’s immediate predecessor—was Harry S. Truman, who had a sign on his desk that read, “The buck stops here!” He referred to this sign in a number of his speeches. Its meaning was about accepting personal responsibility for the way he ran the country. He wasn’t going to “pass the buck,” or blame anyone else for his failures.

Do you see a trend here?

As I look at successful people, I notice something they have in common. They are quick to praise and recognize others—and just as quick to accept blame for failure. By the term “successful,” I’m not just referring to presidents of countries or leaders of large companies. No, success isn’t just defined by a title. My friend, Mark Sanborn, wrote a book entitled You Don’t Need a Title to Be a Leader: How Anyone, Anywhere, Can Make a Positive Difference. The title of that book sums it up nicely. It doesn’t matter what you do, you just have to act like a leader. It’s behavioral. Recognizing others who are successful is the act of a leader. Accepting responsibility (and blame) for something that happened under your watch is also powerful leadership behavior.

It’s never fun or easy when something doesn’t go the way you planned. What’s even more difficult is taking responsibility for it, and beyond that, admitting you were wrong. But, as I said, it’s crucial to moving forward. Don’t be the person who “passes the buck” when mistakes are made. Instead, emulate the leadership behavior of Eisenhower and Truman. Even though you may never be President of the United States or even have the job title of “leader” within your own organization, you can still set the example of what makes a good leader by giving praise and owning blame.

Shep Hyken is a customer service expert, keynote speaker, and New York Times bestselling business author. For information, contact 314-692-2200 or www.hyken.com. For information on The Customer Focus™ customer service training programs, go to www.thecustomerfocus.com. Follow on Twitter: @Hyken


How to accept blame when you deserve itBy Mark Graban On Feb 10, 2014 Last updated Feb 10, 2016

Along my Lean journey, I learned an expression about the role of leaders and I shared this in my first book Lean Hospitals.

Last year, this phrase somehow “went viral” via Twitter when Tariq Trotter, aka @BlackThought, (co-founder of hip-hop “neo-soul” band The Roots) tweeted the phrase with attribution to me (which isn’t quite correct because I didn’t create the quote, I learned it from somebody):

You get what you expect and you deserve what you tolerate. -Mark Graban

— Black Thought (@blackthought) July 5, 2013

And a picture, in case it ever disappears for some reason:

How to accept blame when you deserve it

I would still love to know how that phrase got into his brain and his twitter feed. Does he have a relative who is working in a hospital and got exposed to my book? I learned the phrase during my time at J&J from one of our Lean coaches and I don’t know the exact origin.

Here is how I shared it in my book, in a section on “standardized work”:

“You get what you expect” — leaders often sit back and whine that their employees aren’t following bundles, protocols, or procedures. Leaders need to expect that they will be followed. This means that leaders have to work together with employees to figure out HOW to make that happen. If supplies aren’t available, help fix that. If there’s not enough time to do things the right way, help fix that.

Toyota certainly expects that no car or truck comes off the assembly line with a door missing. So, they make sure their systems make that happen. None of this is about “beating up on employees” in the sense of “I expect it, so you’d better do it!” It’s about working together and making it possible for the right things to happen.

Imagine a hospital where leaders expect that infections, bed sores, and patient falls are going to happen. What’s the reaction when one of these things occurs? The leaders might shrug their shoulders and maybe say “well, we’re better than the average hospital.”

Now imagine a hospital where leaders expect that preventable harm does NOT happen. If an infection occurs, the leaders work with staff to investigate why that happened (looking at the process, not blaming the people). They work to implement countermeasures that will prevent future infections – because we believe it’s possible to eliminate them.

“You deserve what you tolerate.” — the thought here is that leaders need to proactively manage their processes to get the results they are expecting (and desiring). Far too often, I see news reports where something bad happens in a hospital (like the Quaid twins getting the wrong medication) and a C-level executive says “Procedures were not followed and there’s no excuse for that.”

I’m sure the day that error occurred was NOT the first day when procedures were not being followed. The COO can blame workers… but it’s really the COO who is to blame. If the COO and other leaders were unaware that procedures are routinely not followed in hospitals… or if the COO knew and TOLERATED this condition, than the COO and the hospital deserved the embarrassment and shame. The Quaid twins, of course, deserved none of this.

If you’re a hospital leader who walks by water on the floor in a hallway (and ignores it), then you deserve to have somebody slip and fall. If you walk past checksheets on the wall that indicate hourly rounding is not happening (and ignore it), then you deserve to have patients fall or get bedsores.

Again, the patients deserve none of this.

If you tolerate bad processes, you deserve bad results. That’s true in any organization, I think.

What do you think of the quote and my thoughts?

How to accept blame when you deserve it

Mark Graban

How to accept blame when you deserve it

Mark Graban is an internationally-recognized consultant, author, and professional speaker who has worked in healthcare, manufacturing, and startups. His latest book is Measures of Success: React Less, Lead Better, Improve More. He is author of the Shingo Award-winning books Lean Hospitals and Healthcare Kaizen, as well as The Executive Guide to Healthcare Kaizen. He also published the anthology Practicing Lean that benefits the Louise H. Batz Patient Safety Foundation, where Mark is a board member. Mark is also a Senior Advisor to the technology company KaiNexus.

When the time has come where two people end up lacking love and commitment for each other, it can often be difficult to realise or even accept it. This is normal, as certain phases are experienced when a relationship finishes, where you once felt fully committed and had clear, real feelings towards the other person. When you reach that point, you must accept that the relationship is over and start a new life, but this is not always easy. OneHowTo will give you some tips on how to accept when a relationship is over so you can move forward and overcome this moment as soon as possible.

When a relationship between two people ends, you go through several phases, as if you are in mourning. In fact, it is like feeling that someone is no longer with you. For this reason, you have to face up to different stages during that period whilst accepting that the relationship is over.

First, you go through the stage of denial, believing that it’s really a nightmare and hasn’t actually happened. Gradually, you’ll experience feelings of sadness, euphoria, isolation. these are all normal phases when you suffer a loss. For this reason, you have to be really clear about who you are, what you want and accept the phases you are going to go through, whilst knowing that everything will pass, nothing lasts forever and you can go back to being who you were before.

How to accept blame when you deserve it

Think about yourself: you have to work on your self-esteem, value yourself and convince yourself that you are a strong person who can deal with change. Generally, change always unbalances you. As with any other situation, when it comes to the end of a relationship, you have to carry on valuing yourself as you deserve. Accept that you deserve to live a better life in a different way to what you had before. It doesn’t matter who has left who, you are going to survive without them and move forward with your life without needing to have someone by your side.

How to accept blame when you deserve it

Don’t blame yourself. If they have left you for someone else, don’t think it’s your fault. People change and mature in different ways and at different times, so it can be normal for the other person’s tastes or ambitions to have changed from when you met.

If you are one who has left, do not blame yourself for it, however much they hurt or however much they make you feel responsible. People return to normal and nobody acts the same way or matures at the same time. You have every right in the world to want to change your life if the current way isn’t making you happy. It is not a personal failure when a relationship has failed, as it involves two people.

Learn to enjoy the solitude. When you spend a long time with a person, you get used to their constant presence, which becomes something secure that you can continually hold onto. This is when you stop spending time alone or stop enjoying it. One of the most common mistakes is to start another relationship due to this fear of loneliness, when you are not ready and probably don’t want to be in another relationship. So, enjoy these moments to yourself and learn to live with it.

How to accept blame when you deserve it

Have enough personality to know where your limits are and how far you are willing to go. What you accept and what you don’t accept, where you want to live and where you’d never live. Being with someone at all costs, without being clear about what you want, is not what’s best for your happiness. Try to be yourself.

Remember you only have one life and you have to live it happily and as you really want to. It’s your own life and do not want to live it feeling sad or insecure.

Make plans is the best way to deal with a break up. Take the opportunity to resume those friendships that you perhaps left behind when you were in a relationship or strive to meet new people. To do this, don’t shut yourself away at home. Force yourself to go out when you’re feeling sad. That way, you’ll accept when a relationship has ended much better by seeing that everyone is waiting for you out there. People are by your side and love you or want to share their time with you, as well as other people you are going to like. Lean on your family. Do different things that you don’t remember doing before your relationship. Improvise and be amazed by all the new things you can learn.

When you get yourself ready and make yourself look good, you feel more secure and stronger, which is very important so you don’t let yourself go.

How to accept blame when you deserve it

Don’t try to replace one person for another, as everyone is different and irreplaceable. First, you have to overcome the pain and grief caused by the end of a relationship, feel secure in yourself and calm yourself down before starting another relationship. So, it’s okay to meet new people, but be careful. As the famous saying goes “the best way to get over a man is to get under another one.” This may help for a little while, but you won’t be able to avoid making comparisons which may make you recall memories that are now painful. Give yourself time by yourself, then you can spend it on a new person.

How to accept blame when you deserve it

You will have accepted that the relationship has ended when you stop thinking that you’ll get back with that person, as opposed to when you cross paths with them and your feelings are still alive. When you reach the stage of not thinking about getting back together with that person who was by your side, when only good memories remain and you no longer feel bitter or any blame, you will have reached the acceptance stage. Believe us, you will feel happier and you will enjoy so many more things that life has to offer you!

If you want to read similar articles to How to Accept when a Relationship is Over, we recommend you visit our Sentimental relationships category.

It happens to the best of us. We find ourselves completely undone by someone else’s behavior. It could be anything from someone cutting you off in traffic to your spouse cheating on you. Mild to severe, other people’s actions can turn our world upside down.

I recently let myself get all caught up in someone else’s drama. My boyfriend’s daughter was behaving in some ways I found unacceptable. He was trying to rein her in; she was acting out more and more; we all went to counseling (I can’t tell you how many arguments, sleepless nights, and general fury on my part all this caused). Suddenly, she decided to move in with her mother. As soon as she moved, poof – there was peace on earth. No more drama, angst, or fury. Is she still doing all the stuff we had problems with? I’m sure. But now it’s not my issue. And you know what? It never was.

Most of the things that you get upset about aren’t your issues. The driver who cut you off? Their driving is not your issue. All you need to worry about is getting safely to your destination. That lazy co-worker who isn’t doing their share of the work? Not your issue. All you need to do is focus on your own good work. Your cheating spouse? Not your issue. Your issue is why you would stay with someone who is cheating on you.

Some tips to help with this:

1. Realize you cannot control other people. They are going to do the crazy, stupid, incorrect things they are going to do. You can’t force them to do anything else. You can’t force someone to stop being lazy or lying to you or cheating on you. The only person you can control is you. You get to decide how much you’re going to let this person’s behavior impact you. Your worrying, obsessing, venting, etc. has zero impact on them – and only hurts you.

2. You have three choices – change your thinking, change your behavior, or do nothing. My boyfriend is not a planner – it’s just not his way. This used to drive me completely insane. I would constantly argue the importance of planning – that if you failed to plan, you planned to fail. I was quick to point out occasions where his lack of planning cost him (I’m such a charmer!). He finally told me that if I liked planning so much, I could just plan everything and he would gladly go along. I finally accepted that I was never going to change him. I can either live with no plan (changing how I think about planning), make the plan myself (changing my behavior), find a new boyfriend (also changing my behavior) or just keep complaining about it. But I’ll never make him a planner.

3. Examine your role in the behavior. Did the driver ahead of you cut you off because you just started talking on your cell and slowed 20 MPH? Did your teenager lie to you because the last time he told you the truth he was grounded? Is your spouse cheating because you are on the road 358 days a year? I’m not condoning any of the behaviors – I’m just asking you to look at the only person you can control – you. Maybe you are playing a role and not even realizing it.

4. But realize it may have absolutely nothing to do with you. I hate to say it, but this is more often the case. We are all the center of our own universes. Many times we think people are doing things because of us or to us and they aren’t. The driver may not have even seen you. Your teenager may lie just because he doesn’t want to be embarrassed. Your spouse may be cheating for the thrill of it and still loves you (although they have a crummy way of showing it).

5. Don’t inadvertently enable the behavior. Some people engage in their crazy behavior because the people around them encourage it. If your spouse cheats on you, and you take them back and treat them better than before, can you blame them if they cheat again? If your friend “borrows” money from you, and never repays it and you lend them more, can you blame them if they never repay that loan either? I love Maya Angelou’s advice, “The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.” I know you don’t think you’re enabling, you think you’re helping. You think they will behave differently this time, that perhaps your love or kindness will change them. I say to you – why are you trying to control them still? Trying to change someone is trying to control them.

6. Let it go. Think of whoever drives you crazy right now. Get worked up – think of how they lie to you or how they don’t do their share or how selfish they are – whatever it is they are doing that drives you crazy. Assume they will never change. Ever. Can you just let it go? Is it really a minor thing you’ve been focusing on, making it major? In the big scheme of things, my boyfriend’s nonplanning is just not that big a deal. It’s offset by his kindness, patience, and wonderful good humor. Can you focus on the good more than the bad?

7. Let them go. Some behavior you just can’t let go of. Sometimes there’s not enough good to offset the bad. The best thing to do may be to let go of the relationship. Why are you staying with someone who causes you so much upset and pain? If you can’t let go of the relationship (say it’s a co-worker), can you let go of thinking so much about them? I bet they aren’t spending so much time thinking about you.

8. Get help. Can’t let it go or them? Talk with a professional counselor – life is too short for all this drama.

9. What about kids? Obviously when kids are little, you have to control them. They might think running into traffic is a good idea and you should probably put a stop to that. But as they get older, you’ll find that you need to alter your behavior to impact theirs. Maybe they start to dress inappropriately. You have several options – you can check out current fashion before you freak; you can yell and tell them they’re not going out like that (giving credibility to their attempt at rebellion); you can cut off the clothing allowance (controlling your behavior not theirs); or you can ignore it, knowing that sooner or later they will be embarrassed just like the rest of us and will fall in line. And if you are sharing clothing with your children, know that the rest of us are trying to let it go.

The bottom line is that you can’t let the behavior of others steal your joy. But if you do, it’s your choice. Focus on being the best and happiest that you can be – that’s where your energy should go. Set the best example you can and spend time and energy on people who lift you higher. And remember, somewhere there’s someone out there who thinks YOU need to change! Ha!