How to accept being unattractive

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How to accept being unattractive

Among the genetic lottery’s prizes is an attractive face.

A large body of research has found that, across races and cultures, people with certain facial characteristics are widely viewed as more attractive.

Sure, we can do things to enhance our looks but, if you were born unattractive, you do start life with a strike or two against you.


Unattractiveness does have its upsides.

  • You can’t get by on your looks, so you’re more likely to work on developing an engaging personality.
  • You’re less likely to be “stuck up” than are “The Pretty People.”
  • Some attractive people complain of being “hit on,” or the legal term, “unwanted advances.” That’s less likely if most people perceive you as unattractive.
  • You’re less likely to cheat in a monogamous relationship because fewer people want an affair with an unattractive person.
  • Unattractive people offer the potential for surprise. We tend to perceive attractive people as more competent, even though, as adults, it turns out to be untrue .So if you turn out to be proficient, people might particularly appreciate you. For example, the judges and audience sneered and rolled their eyes on seeing Susan Boyle come on stage at Britain’s Got Talent. But as soon as she started to sing, they, even the blasè Simon Cowell, cheered, in excess of her singing talent. Better singers receive weaker responses.


Alas, unattractiveness has its downsides.

  • Not only do infants prefer attractive faces, adults prefer attractive infants. And I’m not just talking about strangers saying, “What a cute baby!” versus “What a baby!” A series of studies found that caregivers pay more attention to attractive babies.
  • Of course, school children’s cruelty to unattractive kids is legion. Unattractive kids are more likely to be ostracized and bullied. is harder. Infants’ preference for attractive faces matures into teen and adult sexual preference for an attractive face.
  • Employers, co-workers, and customers aren’t immune. We are visual–No matter how much we’re urged to value substance over appearance, as cited earlier, we tend to overvalue appearance. That’s true not only in hiring and promotion, but evaluation expert Michael Scriven concludes that unattractive people’s comments tend to be given less credibility.
  • Indeed, even famous people have been cruel to the unattractive. For example,

Amy Sedaris said, “I’d just much rather see an ugly person take the trash out than see somebody really pretty taking the trash out.”

Robin Williams said, “Never pick a fight with an ugly person. They’ve got nothing to lose.”

Oscar Wilde said, “It is better to be beautiful than to be good. But. it is better to be good than to be ugly.”

Just imagine if they had said such things about an ethnic group, race, or sex! Lookism is the last acceptable ism.

  • And in perhaps the ultimately cruelty to the unattractive, being unattractive is correlated with poor health.

What to do?

As usual, there are no magic pills, but you might consider one or more of these options:

Demonstrate self-acceptance. Being matter-of-fact or even making light of your looks usually garners respect. It demonstrates that you’re comfortable in your own skin and avoids others needing to dance around the issue. So, for example, if you and a friend are going somewhere in hopes of meeting a romantic partner, you could say, with a smile, “I’m your perfect wing man. No one would pick me over you.”

Personality can trump physical unattractiveness. Recognize that personality can trump looks. Don’t you know someone you found unattractive but after you got to know them, they seemed more attractive or that it didn’t matter?

Make the most of your looks. Everyone can look better by keeping your weight under control and with the right choice of hairstyle, clothes, posture, and, for women, makeup. It may be hard to judge ourselves so you might want to seek the advice of a friend or professional you trust. But don’t surrender too much power to them. Ultimately, you’ll likely feel best if, like all wise leaders, you consider others’ input but then make the final decision based on your own judgment.

Consider cosmetic surgery. I am well aware of the counterarguments, for example, that it mitigates against self-acceptance and utilizes our ever scarcer medical resources on a discretionary procedure. But lookist species that we are, a person born with an unattractive face, through no fault of his/her own, is likely to pay a price, professionally, in relationships, and in self-esteem. Good cosmetic surgery may yield rewards far in excess of its price. I have had a number of clients who have had, for example, a “nose job” and are thrilled. Of course, surgeons vary, so do your due diligence: Read Yelp reviews, talk with three surgeons. You might even talk with each receptionist—Many of them have heard a lot and may be candid. It can’t hurt to ask a question such as, “I’m also considering Dr. B and Dr. C. Candidly, do you have an opinion as to who should do my surgery?”

Smile more. It’s amazing how a smile makes you more attractive.

The takeaway

We all have assets. If looks isn’t one of yours, do remember that even a liability can sometimes be used to advantage or at least mitigated. After you’ve done that, focus on self-acceptance and on redirecting your efforts to building on your strengths.

And whether you’re attractive or not, in dealing with others, you might ask yourself, “Am I judging too much on appearance?” For example, in a group conversation, when you hear a worthy comment from an unattractive person that deserves a more positive response, you might make special effort to give it, for both ethical and pragmatic reasons.

This is going to sound majorly harsh, but hear me out.

I feel like the “bald is beautiful” is a lie we tell ourselves and others just to feel better. I don’t think bald is beautiful. I think some can be beautiful IN SPITE of being bald, but it will always detract from their appearance. I don’t want to pamper myself and say that if I take a bubble bath and get new clothes and work on the rest of my appearance and “do things to make myself feel pretty” I’ll feel attractive, because guess what, I’m not, and I won’t try to fool myself into thinking I am. I’m sorry, I realize how insulting to everyone this sounds, but looks DO weigh more than personality in the world. Unfair and sucky, but it’s true and we all know it. Jobs, dating, personal worth largely hinges on social perception of ourselves. I can’t look a certain way and I can’t fool myself into feeling a certain way and so normally I focus on other things, but I’m still never really ok. I go through life knowing that disgust is power, and so no one will mess with me because in a way, walking around with a half smooth half shaved head makes me look tough. But still, I know I am still not ok with my ugliness.

There must be a way to peace without lying to myself. Question is, how can I come to terms and accept that I am ugly? Any thoughts?

Replies to This Discussion

It makes me very sad that you feel this way. Are you newly diagnosed? I am so far away from feeling bad about myself that I sometimes forget that struggle. I do remember very much the same feelings as a teen. I probably have not felt that way in twenty plus years though.

Hair does not make the person. We are conditioned in our society to believe that long , flowing locks of hair equal beautiful. It is a hard mindset to get out of. There are real and genuine people in this world that will accept you for YOU- hair or no hair. If those aren’t the type of people in your life, remove them from your life. I think support forums like these and in person support groups can really change the way you see yourself and your condition. I hope you have one nearby. You might need one meeting or maybe years of meetings. I know it helped me tremendously as a teen to see that there were people like me that had careers and kids and spouses. At the time I thought none of that was a possibility for me. Counseling might help as well.

Hang in there. It isn’t an easy road, but it really does get better. Really!

You just sort of deal with it.
It sucks and you can be sad about it but at the end of the day there isn’t much you can do.

If you want to work on yourself just make sure you’re eating well and exercising regularly.

Society hates ugly people, ugly men especially.

If you are an ugly man like me you will be ostracized and if you dont have a trust fund, you will be living on the margins and possibly become homeless.

But if you are a woman, people will still trust you. You likely wont be a model but you can still get a job as a nurse or teacher. Poor/ugly men like myself cant afford to take the risk of entering on these female dominated fields due to false allegations from patients or students.

Personally I think digital social media has improved things for otherwise average if not conventionally unattractive people. Since when is blue hair, no boobs, drawn on eyebrows, silly selfie faces, guys who identify as men with beards wearing makeup, ten foot eyelashes etc seen as attractive or trendy? Since social media. Honestly I’ve seen many people walking around thinking they’re too nice just because some youtuber who I never heard of before specifically represents them.

Social media is a great platform for untalented, uninteresting and unattractive people to gain relative attention who normally would be ignored in real life for the exact same reasons. While conventionally attractive people are now ignored because the internet is taking revenge on them for being naturally attractive and moral basically.

Also these social media creatures have perfected MAKEUP. no one and I mean NO ONE has real eyebrows or lashes or hair, and probably not bodies either.

(Original post by Bang Outta Order)
Since when is blue hair, no boobs, drawn on eyebrows, silly selfie faces, guys who identify as men with beards wearing makeup, hijabis, ten foot eyelashes etc seen as attractive or trendy?

Social media is a great platform for untalented, uninteresting and unattractive people to gain relative attention who normally would be ignored in real life for the exact same reasons. While conventionally attractive people are now ignored because the internet is taking revenge on them for being naturally attractive and moral basically.

Also these social media creatures have perfected MAKEUP. no one and I mean NO ONE has real eyebrows or lashes or hair, and probably not bodies either.

(Original post by Bang Outta Order)
Personally I think digital social media has improved things for otherwise average if not conventionally unattractive people. Since when is blue hair, no boobs, drawn on eyebrows, silly selfie faces, guys who identify as men with beards wearing makeup, hijabis, ten foot eyelashes etc seen as attractive or trendy? Since social media. Honestly I’ve seen many people walking around thinking they’re too nice just because some youtuber who I never heard of before specifically represents them.

Social media is a great platform for untalented, uninteresting and unattractive people to gain relative attention who normally would be ignored in real life for the exact same reasons. While conventionally attractive people are now ignored because the internet is taking revenge on them for being naturally attractive and moral basically.

Also these social media creatures have perfected MAKEUP. no one and I mean NO ONE has real eyebrows or lashes or hair, and probably not bodies either.

i swear if a kid records himself getting a haircut and when he has to pay runs off and put it on insta immediately 3mill followers and his lifes sorted.
feel like the only reason ppl should social media is to contact each other not put other humans on pedastels i.e kardashians

but ye first paragraph is true, not against peoples feelings or whatever but i’d prefer it 10 years ago where this gender/trendy sh** didnt exist.

Are you ugly? Thousands of people ask this every day. It comes as no surprise then, to find out that one of the most popular questions entered into our search bars on our phones was ‘Am I Ugly ?’

In fact, if you type “am I” into Google, the first suggestion that is offered to you is “am I ugly?

Attitudes towards appearance are one of the main reasons why people are being bullied. In fact, in Ditch the Label’s 2019 Annual Bullying Survey, 59% of young people said that their appearance was the reason they were bullied.

This is not a new question. Unobtainable beauty ideals have us questioning our self-worth, based on our appearance, on a daily basis probably since the beginning of humanity.

For example in Ancient Greece, beauty standards were that men had to be buff and glossy, while women were seen as most attractive when they had red hair and a fuller-figured body. While during Victorian times, a pale face with rosy cheeks was seen as the most ‘beautiful’. These ideals and standards have changed many times over the past 1000s of years.

In 2013, a YouTube trend emerged called “Am I Ugly or Pretty?” whereby, teen girls uploaded videos of themselves asking viewers exactly that. Following this, the internet answered the question in all its force and pulled no punches.

Even in 2020, these questions are often asked on places such as Instagram, Reddit and TikTok.

This question is one that matters and is something that nearly all of us will ask ourselves at some point during our lives.

So, let’s answer it!

Are you ugly or pretty?

Am I ugly because people keep saying it to me?

No, the danger is when you are called ugly enough times you start to believe it might be true.

Am I ugly because I’m single?

No, you are not single because you are ugly, and being in a relationship doesn’t make you beautiful.

Am I ugly because I keep thinking about it?

No, so please stop telling yourself you are, our thoughts very quickly become our reality.

Am I ugly because I was dumped?

No, you were NOT dumped because you are ugly, the relationship ended and that’s ok – give yourself some time and space to heal.

Am I ugly because I’m looking different?

No, your body is just changing and you are still growing into it.

Am I ugly because I have bad skin?

No, having bad skin does not make you unattractive and is totally normal.

Am I ugly because I don’t look as pretty as a model?

No, it’s ok to not look like a model. Turns out they are the only ones that do and they make up a teeny tiny amount of the population.

Am I ugly because I’m big?

No, your dress size does not determine your beauty, case in point: Tess Holiday.

Am I ugly because my friends keep saying so?

No, they are telling you that because they are scared that they aren’t good enough and have their own fears of being ugly, this doesn’t have to be your fear as well.

Am I ugly because I feel it?

No, your self-esteem has just gotten a little too low and needs rebuilding, have a look at our support guide for tips on how to begin rebuilding your self-confidence here.

Am I ugly compared to everyone else?

No, when we compare ourselves we always come off feeling worse, to compare is to despair so stop comparing.

Am I ugly because I am fat?

No, your weight is how much your body physically weighs full stop. Every single object, mineral, plant or animal on this planet has a weight. It is what we as humans equate with this number that forces us to connect beauty with weight. There is no such thing as a ‘beautiful weight’ or an ‘ugly weight.’ There is a healthy weight and that is different for everyone.

Am I ugly because I was rejected?

No, everyone experiences rejection in all its painful forms and it does not make you unattractive. Looking for ways to deal with rejection?

Am I ugly?

No, even if you have never ever felt anything but ugly your whole life right up until now that is still not proof that you are. Here’s the secret and I know because I am talking from experience, just like happiness it is all an inside job. So if you want to start changing how you feel we have some tips to help you start here.

If you aren’t feeling great about your appearance right now and need someone to talk to, Ditch the Label is here for you. Join our community and talk to us here.

T he first response I get when I tell people I’m ugly is often gentle, well-meaning disagreement. “No you’re not, you’re just… different” and, “everyone is beautiful in their own way” are just a few responses I get when I try to discuss appearance diversity.

But they’re lies.

See, I was born with a fist-sized tumour in the middle of my face and deformed legs. The tumour formed early during my development, subsumed my nose and pushed my eyes to the side of my head, like a fish. My legs were so damaged they required eventual amputation.

After two dozen operations to “fix” my face, it was obvious it would remain unfinished. My nose was wide and squished. There were dents in the side of my head where my eyes had been before being moved to the front of my face. And I had scars running across my face that looked like train tracks coming into Grand Central Station.

If I’m not ugly, no one is.

I’m comfortable saying that about myself, though, because I have realized how I look is part of me but not all of me. This realisation didn’t come fully formed when I was born. It developed over years of thinking, teasing, talking, friendship, bullying and love. These are some things I figured out along the way.

1. Ugliness is not the absence of beauty.

Ugliness is not the absence of beauty. It’s not in opposition to it. Ugliness is its own, wonderful thing.

Defining ugliness only in opposition to beauty narrows our sense of normal. A quick look at history shows that defining beauty in one particular way is just another fashion choice – apt to change with the seasons. Defining a person’s appearance only in terms of how it relates to that definition robs us all of a deep richness. Appearance is linked to identity and self-worth. Acknowledging the breadth of differences in appearances helps us acknowledge differences between people.

2. We can acknowledge differences in appearance without attaching value to them.

Stop trying to convince people that differences in appearance don’t matter by pretending they don’t exist. Politeness devalues my appearance—and by extension, me—when people pretend I’m pretty.

What we actually need to do is to remove the association between appearance and the set of characteristics assigned to it.

We’re trained to associate certain personality traits with beauty and ugliness. Even our fairytales do it. But just because someone is attractive, it does not automatically follow that they are nice or smart. Just because someone may be less attractive, they are not automatically mean or stupid.

It sounds deceptively simple, but it must begin with people accepting that it’s OK to acknowledge each other’s differences and that those characteristics don’t come pre-loaded with a set of personality traits.

3. Beauty itself is a million points on a map.

Beauty is a contested space. Notions of what is or isn’t beautiful are constantly changing.

No one, except maybe supermodels, will win, however, if we define beauty as just one point on the end of a continuum with ugliness at the other. Beauty isn’t the end point of a treasure map; it’s actually a million different destinations, with a million different ways of getting there.

Defining beauty more broadly creates room for better acceptance of appearance diversity.

4. The way we talk about appearance robs kids of their natural acceptance.

Folks, I’ve got news for you: our kids are way ahead of us when it comes to this stuff. I talk to a lot of school groups about appearance and disability issues.

When I invite questions from them, pretty quickly I’ll get a question that goes something like this: “How has looking so different impacted your life?” When I answer that there have been tough times and fun times, but my looks haven’t defied all of my life and that everyone faces challenges, I get lots of knowing nods. Kids would call me out in an instant if I tried to tell them my appearance hadn’t had a huge impact on my life.

Questions from our kids about appearance matter. They are naturally curious about things that appear unusual. When they ask why someone looks different and we respond with “looks don’t matter that much,” we actually do that person a disservice by drawing a cloak of invisibility over their appearance.

Engaging kids in their genuine curiosity will encourage them to stay curious and remain accepting their entire lives.

5. My ugliness is a big part of who I am.

If you try to separate me from my scars before even engaging me in a discussion about the issue, I may as well have never existed in the first place.

How to accept being unattractive

Well, if so, you’re not alone. Many people have the impression that they’re ugly for no good reason except that they’re going through a difficult time.

If you’re still suspicious, though, take this quiz, and you’ll get your answer to “Am I ugly?”!

But first, here’s how to cope with being ugly if that turns out to be the case for you!

How to Cope with Being Ugly

Before getting to the “am I ugly?” quiz, here are five tips that will help you cope with being unattractive if that turns out to be the case for you:

Be honest with yourself, and accept how you look.

Finding peace with the way you look is the first step towards achieving happiness.

Take responsibility.

I’m not referring to taking responsibility for the way you look, because you have no real control over that, but for the way you respond to it. Don’t let your physical appearance define who you are and stop you from achieving great things!

Remember that you have a better chance of maintaining a long-term relationship.

Believe it or not, but studies have found that attractive people are more likely to ruin their relationships faster. Besides, looks aren’t that important when it comes to committing to a relationship.

Learn to love yourself

I know it’s easier said than done, but you should work towards learning how to love yourself as that’s the fastest way to stop caring what others think about you. Once you start loving yourself for real, your self-growth will reach the moon!

Understand that it’s not your ugliness that’s affecting your life

You read that right. It’s not the fact that you’re unattractive that’s stopping you from growing as a person; it’s the way you feel about yourself.

How to accept being unattractive

SO. I'm ugly. mainly unattractive.. because I'm fat. But you know. I don't give a darn. And you know why? I know, people out there love me for who I am. I even had so many guys having crushes on me! But yeah. it does get you down sometimes. when you can't fit into the dress you would die to have. or when you look into the mirror sometimes, and feel that you can exchange anything for better body or face. When you see the girls around you, and then look at yourself, and realize what any guy would ever see in you! And sometimes.. I wonder, "What if I was never this fat?". Then, I think.. gosh.. I'm glad I have this shield. So I wouldn't have to face what some girls have faced because of their beauty. so I know which people really like ME! What does it matter.. you are some gorgeous model with a gorgeous body, and amazing hair and beautiful face. DO you know how much it takes to get that? The sacrifice? I could never substitute a meal at kfc for a salad if you ask me! And come on. beauty doesn't last. if the guy really likes you, and wants to be with you forever, he is going to also love your personality and mind and heart. Of course, beauty is what attracts us first.. but then what keeps the deal going? And come on.. who are they to judge whether you are beautiful or not. ? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. There are so many different tastes in the world.. there's bound to be lots of people who appreciate yoU!

So hold you head high.. and walk proud! You are you.. and there's no one better.. and if there are people out there, who actually put you down, because they think they are better than you. trust me. you are better off without such jerks

And as for proof.. God has never created anyone ugly.. we are all created in the image of God. We are all beautiful in our own special unique ways. Its the bull-headedness of mankind and the media.. which judges and categorizes us.

How to accept being unattractive

Can anything really help you enjoy your aging appearance? To some, the question is an oxymoron. But take a moment to read the psychological steps described below to see if they change how you think and feel about beauty as you age.

These steps are not quick fixes. They require that you to go underneath the surface and work on yourself from the inside out— but the end result can lead to beauty that lasts a lifetime.

Step 1: Turn Your Uh-Oh Moments into Aha! Ones

The first step toward making any change in perspective is acknowledging and confronting the issue. You would be surprised to hear how many women are reticent to acknowledge that aging looks bother them. Decide if your concerns over aging and beauty are issues you would like to resolve. Take an honest, courageous look in your mirror and ask, “Do you recall a moment in time that felt like a turning point in your aging process?” Was there a moment when you said to yourself, “I feel and look old”? This first step allows us to own our honest feelings about our changing looks and see clearly through the paradoxical pulls that cloud our vision. Through the stories of the women we interviewed, we see that uh-oh moments are experienced deep within us, as if something fundamental has changed in our identities. This is often accompanied by embarrassment and shame, as if we’ve been caught off guard and feel guilty that we care. We fear that we have lost control, as if abducted into an unwelcome phase of life. The first step is acknowledgment that our uh-oh moment exists and can be used to gain awareness. Only then can we turn uh-oh into aha!

Step 6: Saying Goodbye Is Hard to Do

This last step is the most important, complex and emotional one. We need to say goodbye to the “good ole days,” much like we do all the losses in life. But this is a very particular kind of loss—one that experienced deep within—but is rarely talked about among women. It is about letting go of that psychological equation that equates youth with beauty. It is about detaching our sense of attractiveness from a narrow definition to make room for a broader, more flexible self-image. Rather than buying into the promises our culture offers to magically remove changes that come with age, we can face reality. Rather than striving to revive images of old selves to try to stop a natural biological process, we can move on. Only then can we allow a new meaning of beauty to emerge that makes sense for the women we have become. Definitions of beauty need to change with age so that what it means to be attractive at age 30 does not mean the same thing at age 40, 50, 80 or 90. Remember, aging does not stop. So it’s time to say goodbye, shed some tears and then optimistically embrace our ever-evolving selves.