It’s just too easy. Delayed on your way to a meeting, you text, “sorry running late.” You leave for work in the morning after a fight with your partner and spend the train ride typing a monologue of hurt and anger. You get a second invitation for Saturday night, so you text the person you originally made plans with: “Apologies, not feeling well, need to cancel.”
Our increasing preference for texting over email and phone calls creates a higher quantity of interactions, but it decreases their quality, harming our relationships.
On the surface, these texts may seem like an acceptable way to handle daily communication, but they actually are all examples of ways to avoid conflict, from making lying easier to dodging in-person confrontation. Our increasing preference for texting over email and phone calls creates a higher quantity of interactions, but it decreases their quality, harming our relationships. Indeed, it’s a far cry from paying attention and listening to the thoughts and feelings of another person, and it’s missing the human contact and learning that comes from true dialogue.
The problems with texting begin with the way it reduces conversation to words or photos on a screen; the way it converts the interchange of human connection to brief, stilted fragments. Even with a plethora of emojis and exclamation points, the absence of intonation muddles the communication.
Opinion How do you text? Inside the battle between 'raindrop' and 'waterfall' texters
As a psychotherapist, I see this phenomenon almost daily, along with the unintended consequences it causes. Patients often read me text messages during therapy sessions in hopes that I can decipher them, since without facial cues and tone of voice, it can be challenging to understand the intention of the message.
Worse, it encourages passive — or more often passive-aggressive — behavior, what I call “hit and runs.” Typing on a screen invites impulsive responses. Absent the ability to see the reflection of pain or hurt on someone’s face, it’s easy for people to pound out anger or meanness. You don’t risk interruption or need to take a breath, but what may serve one person as a chance to clear the air often ends up overwhelming the recipient.
Grammar rules are an invention. It’s time to stop taking them so seriously.
Lying is also easier with texting, since it doesn’t betray the motivation behind the message. Are you texting home to say you’re working late while out for drinks with a coworker? Is your cold really that bad, or is the prospect of another family dinner unappealing? Written words can hide a great deal of emotion, and if forced to leave a voice message or deliver news in person, your lie could come through because of weak intonation or guilt (or both).
And although texting enables more frequent contact, it also can be used to curtail conversation. The best example of this is the egregious way texts are used as preemptive apologies, as in the reflexive “sorrys” that accompany notes one is running late. But is the sender really sorry, or the apology merely a brush-off to keep conflict at bay?
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Indeed, preemptive apologies are offered in hopes of not having to deal with the consequence of having offended someone. While I can hear that you are sorry, I also need a chance to say that I am hurt if we are really to resolve the incident. Without the chance to express my feelings, the apology will be less meaningful, as reconciliation is strengthened when both parties have a say. Do I appreciate a text from a patient that she is on her way and will be 15 minutes late? Absolutely. But that doesn’t mean that we won’t talk about why she was late, especially if it’s a pattern.
At root, texting is lazy, and our relationships suffer when we don’t invest in them. A “Happy Birthday!” text — even with cake and champagne emojis — will never bring the same smile as a card in the mail or a phone call. Such actions take time and planning. I’ve had patients show me the texts people have sent them to express condolences after the death of a loved one. No matter how many crying emojis are used, this is just wrong. A card and a stamp take effort that demonstrate the sender understands the importance of the event in the other person’s life. A conversation allows deep emotions to be shared, and the risk involved in opening up this way is not only worth it but necessary for real connection.
From multitasking to abbreviated, one-sided sharing of information that’s supposed to pass as conversation, text messages often leave the receiver feeling short-changed, confused or devalued. That people are in touch through texting with greater frequency and immediacy than ever before means that, ironically, the opportunity for disappointment is also greater. Recently, a patient told me of a text she received from her husband who was at home with her at the time but unwilling to come upstairs and tell her to her face how angry he was. She didn’t know whether to be more upset by what he said or by his behavior.
Our skills for conversing are getting rusty and will only get worse as more people use virtual assistants, online shopping and other apps that help us avoid actually talking to another human being. Texting breeds not just grammar and spelling illiteracy but, more importantly, emotional illiteracy as well.
Texting breeds not just grammar and spelling illiteracy but, more importantly, emotional illiteracy as well.
So if you’re running late, please text, but don’t think that exempts you from talking about it in person. If you want to send a heart emoji, go for it, but don’t forget to tell me you love me when you get home. If I’ve hurt your feelings, by all means text me — to arrange a time when we can actually discuss what happened.
The disappointment, anger and conflict that might arise in this and other authentic conversations don’t have to be scary. Conversations that allow me to hear your voice, see your expressions and support true dialogue are still the gold standard for bringing us closer. A good conversation is the best antidote to loneliness that I know. And for that to happen, please silence your phone and leave it in your pocket. Then, let’s talk.
When you are in a relationship with the one you love, you will try many ways to make the relationship work. But what happens when technology gets in the way of your love. The use of the mobile phone, which is an advantage in some circumstances can also be a pain when it comes to certain elements related to love.
The use of the mobile phone is usually the problem. Therefore, with the help of some of the best relationship advice, you can make sure to minimise your mobile phone usage when you are with the one you love.It is important to give your partner time and care when you are with him/ her. Talking to your partner instead of texting does not define your manners. Therefore, when you are with your partner, make sure to keep your phone aside as it can ruin your relationship.
Here, we share with you some of the reasons as to how texting can ruin your relationship.
When you spend more time over your phone rather than with your partner, he/ she will get irritated with the fact that you are spending more time with your gadget than him/ her. This kind of behaviour will lead to a lot of fights in the relationship thus ruining it.
When you have a new gadget to play with, you tend to neglect your partner. This leads to open options for your partner to start seeking her/ his attention elsewhere. When you text another person in the presence of your partner, he/ she feels that you are pampering the person over the phone instead of the one you love.
Lots of texting
One of the ways in which texting ruins your relationship is when you and your partner prefer to text each other rather than communicate face to face. This gives way to important things slipping through your fingers, which needs to be discussed in person than over the phone.
The worst way to ruin your relationship is via emotions. If you want to share your emotions you either call your partner up and speak to him/her or meet him personally instead of sending him a text with emoticons. This effects the relationship especially when the two of you are fighting.
These are some of the ways in which texting ruins your relationship. Therefore, it is best to avoid texting your partner is certain situations like when the two of you are emotionally high and not thinking straight.
Bzzz. bzzz. I sigh halfheartedly. I don’t have to pick up my phone to know who is texting me half past midnight. It’s my boyfriend.
For the past few days, we’d been rehashing the same stupid argument. We were in the middle of a big move to New York and I was still mildly irritated that he insisted on moving ahead of me to get things settled with his job, leaving me and a million half-packed boxes behind.
Reception wasn’t too clear between us, so a phone call wasn’t viable. It was just the two of us trading texts (my panicky, long-winded rants and his brief, passive-aggressive “Ks”). I couldn’t help but feel that if there weren’t several state borders separating us, we could talk face to face instead of screen to screen, and we might understand one another a little better.
There’s something to how I was feeling. A study proved that too much texting back and forth (especially to hash out problems) can cause a disconnect in even the most committed couples.
Researchers from Brigham Young University asserted that the frequency and content of texts can determine the quality of your relationship. After getting nearly 300 people (all in committed relationships) to participate, the researchers found that most couples use texting for “relationship maintenance” and even worse, to argue. And a lot gets lost in translation.
So why are we so tempted to frenetically button-mash on our phones instead of dial and call? Or, better yet, work things out in person? And why is this ruining our relationships?
YourTango expert, Julie Spira, offers some relationship advice, saying she has never seen an argument via text have a happy ending. “When the anger brews and escalates, usually a long-winded text message won’t resolve relationship conflicts,” she says. “This reactionary behavior puts you in a digital war-zone.”
Spira is an online dating expert and founder of CyberDatingExpert.com who specializes in the intersection between love and technology. She says that when you’re sending text messages back and forth and don’t hear the sound of someone’s voice, you can’t know how upset they really are.
Obvious, right? Don’t text about the big things: problems in the bedroom, nagging in-laws, or an imminent breakup (because really, that’s just the 21st century version of the “post-it” breakup method).
But what specifically should you never type and send to your partner?
- “I’m sorry.” So what’s so wrong with apologizing over text? “When someone says ‘I’m sorry’ over a text message, the recipient isn’t really sure how sorry they are,” Spira says. “It can be taken as a way to end the uncomfortable text exchange, but how sincere is the apology? You really aren’t sure and they aren’t as valued as an in-person or on-the-phone apology where it can be a two-way dialog.”
- “We need to talk.” Ughhh. Your stomach drops, right? Your partner’s automatic response is going to be dread. Spira says you might even find that your significant other conveniently “disappears” for a few days, if only to avoid this conversation. Why start a conversation with this one-line bomb? It will guarantee only a negative response.
On the other hand, there are certain texts you absolutely should send.
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- “Thinking of you. have a great day!” Who wouldn’t want to wake up to this good morning text? It starts both of your days off right: with love.
- “Can’t wait to see you tonight. XO.” And similarly, a text like this lets your significant other know that he or she is loved. And may be a sexy prelude to a later reunion (winky face).
Technology wasn’t necessarily a precursor to a doomed relationship. The BYU researchers also found that the more loving texts both men and women send to each other, the happier they were in their relationships.
Really, the point is this: When in doubt, pick up the phone and talk it out. Once you push the send button, you can’t take it back. Spira suggests drafting an email (but do not send it) and checking back on your written thoughts in the morning to see if you might be overreacting to something.
So your relationship isn’t necessarily doomed when you text one another — but we often use texting in all the wrong ways. A lack of a smiley face or a “K” can be taken out of context. Spira phrases it perfectly: “It’s hard to ‘listen’ when you’re reading.”
If you thought having a sexual relationship was the cause of mixed messages, consider how much worse a textual relationship can be.
Allow me to paint a picture for you, please. You met a new guy (online, at the bar, via a mutual friend, etc.) and you’ve talked to him on the phone or in person just a handful of times. Because you’ve planned your date for early next week, there are a few days to go before you get to see him again.
In today’s tech-infused world, the majority of people in this situation will more than likely carry on texting back and forth instead of a) calling each other or b) waiting it out until the date.
But by communicating through text messages with your potential date — or current partner — you are literally having a textual relationship with them. You’re giving them an identity and a personality without actually knowing them, thereby creating someone who doesn’t exist and setting unrealistic expectations. Intonation is everything. Interpersonal communication is key.
The problem with texting is that both parties perceive each text as actual “speak” and give their own personal intonation and inference on the sentences. You probably know from your own experiences with friends and relatives that sometimes your tone is misread through texts and hard feelings can arise if the air is not cleared. It has certainly happened to me. “I’m sorry! You read my text the wrong way. I didn’t mean it like that!” If things like this happen when you already know someone very well, imagine the misinterpretations that happen with a complete stranger. Text messages are no good at conveying human emotions. And guess what? That smiley emoticon is no match for hearing actual laughter.
Sometimes, texts aren’t good enough
Recently, 40-year-old single mother Sanya Hudson-Payne had to break off a relationship because of the pitfalls of texting. “At the end of the day, I want to hear my man tell me he loves me when he says it for the first time,” she says. “I want to relish in the inflection of his tone as he professes those three words every woman loves to hear. Instead, he texted it to me. Even after I told him that I’d prefer that and other serious topics be talked about in person, he continued to text me to convey his love, anytime he wanted to apologize, talk dirty and… get this… discuss how he was thinking about marriage.”
Relationship expert Sujeiry Gonzalez supports these thoughts, as well. “The art of communication is about much more than words, and includes gestures and vocal inflictions,” she says. “Without an actual conversation, you aren’t really communicating effectively. She also touches on the notion that texting someone shows very little effort. How special can a woman really feel if a man only texts her?
Here are some tips to keep texting from ruining your relationship from marriage therapist Dr. Vondie Lozano:
Avoid arguments by changing this one very common relationship woe.
By Flannery Dean Updated November 20, 2013
Avoid fights with your partner by putting down your phone when you’re feeling hostile (Photo iStock).
It’s after 7 p.m. and your partner still isn’t home. He hasn’t called, he hasn’t texted, he hasn’t bothered to do anything to let you know that he’s going to be late for dinner. Again.
You call his phone but he doesn’t answer. In a fit of frustration you fire off an angry text. A few minutes later he replies in kind. The messages increase in intensity and hostility. Suddenly a petty dispute has escalated to an all-out fight.
What’s the problem with carrying on an emotionally-intense exchange via text message? Pretty much everything, say experts who advise couples to forgo text communication in times of heated emotion and instead save serious or potentially explosive conversations for face-to-face interactions.
An article on TheDoctorWillSeeYouNow recently discussed a study by researchers at Brigham Young University that examined the effect of text communication on relationship satisfaction.
The study looked at the text patterns of committed couples between the ages of 18 and 25. The men and women that participated in the study also answered questionnaires related to how those patterns did or didn’t affect their relationship satisfaction.
The study revealed that texts that express affection and good feeling have a positive effect on the recipient, making that person feel connected to their partner.
But while a well-chosen emoticon, or direct ‘I love you’ achieves its desired effect, cutting words or attempts to sort out relationship issues appear to achieve negative aims. Reduced relationship satisfaction is associated with this kind of texting.
Part of the problem with sending angry or upset texts is the nature of the medium itself. A simple I love you is easily understood — you don’t need to be in the room or looking at a person to feel its warmth or understand its meaning. But ‘what is your problem?’ or ‘I don’t like how you talk to me’ can come off far more harshly than the sender may intend.
So next time you’re tempted to blast your beloved via text. Keep your cool and holster your smartphone until you see them. Better yet, think twice and send an I love you.
How often do you text with your partner? Tell us in the comment section below.
Can texting improve or ruin your relationship happiness?
Posted November 3, 2013
Can texting improve or ruin your relationship happiness? It depends on the type of communication you use.
According to a new Brigham Young University study published by researchers Lori Schade and Jonathan Sandberg, romantic couples who text each other with confirming messages (“How are you?” “How’s it going?” “I miss you!” “I feel tingly just thinking about you. “) tend to experience greater relationship satisfaction. Confirming messages are best conveyed with an emotional dimension – communicating essentially: “I care about you,” and “You’re important in my life.” In fact, sending affectionate messages to one’s partner yield even greater emotional satisfaction than receiving them.
On the other hand, couples who rely on texting for conflict resolution tend to experience lower relationship satisfaction. When texting, vital verbal, non-verbal and emotional cues are invariably missed, which can severely limit a couple’s ability to reconcile.
“There is a narrowness with texting and you don’t get to see the breadth of a person that you need to see.”
Significantly, the BYU study also revealed key differences in how men and women text in conflict situations. While men are more likely to text to attack or avoid (fight or flight response), women are more likely to text to back down or diffuse. Arguing through texting may feel safer for some, but the digital barrier may actually contribute to greater relationship fallout.
“Women who text more might do so as a means to resolve issues or apologize; men might text more because they’re unsatisfied with the relationship and texting is how they avoid emotional intimacy.”
Conclusion: Texting can be an effective tool for maintaining, nurturing, and stimulating a relationship. However, when arguments occur, dealing with the problem in person (using effective communication skills) is likely to produce better conflict resolution and greater relational success.
I’m in a toxic relationship. It’s one of those bad ones you hear about, the kind that swallows every bit of you in an all-encompassing bite and squishes you around until so little of you is left.
I know what you’re thinking. "Treez, how unlike you." Well, it’s true. I got it and I got it bad. I can’t get out but I need to before it eats me alive.
The relationship is with my phone.
Isn’t that how it feels sometimes? When you’re texting someone new, and it’s non-stop and your life legit revolves around the vibration in your pocket?
I recently met someone new. She walked into a bar, and immediately became the most interesting person I could imagine. It was a perfect storm.
She’s great. I mean, she was great during the four hours we spent together in person. She seemed great for the two weeks we spent texting.
And we were constantly texting, our rhythm so consistent you’d think each message was made of oxygen and needed for breathing.
These were my thoughts every day:
*gasp* I need some air. My eyes hurt. I’m going outside.
But I’m bringing my phone because she should be writing back in 15 seconds.
Wait, 30 seconds have passed. Now 45. What happened to her? Did she die? She broke the pace. What did I do wrong?
Are you kidding me? After all that, I ruined it? Let me scroll up and down to review the jokes. Too harsh? Too many emojis?
It was a gloriously horrible place to be in.
Texting is an absolutely necessary stage in the modern dating world. It’s tantalizing. It’s thrilling. It’s fresh. It’s everything, really.
Yet at the same time, if you’ve ever done it before, you know you’re more than likely racing to a red light.
Each message made me think I was getting to know her more. But all I was really getting to know was this artificial version of her, one that was coming back to me every few minutes without fail.
Bzz, bzz, bzz! There she was again, not really in my life but practically at the center of it, until I was in so deep I was answering in between bites of lunch because God forbid I didn’t write back in seconds.
I meet women at bars, get their numbers and am lucky to see them three Saturdays down the line, if ever. If we meet on a dating app, forget it. There’s a month of talking, minimum, before we link up.
Imagine seeing someone in person after already interacting with them 10,000 times. At that point, what is there left to impress someone with? How can you possibly be better than the best, scripted version of yourself? And why does all this feel so normal?
So, what results is exhaustion. Disappointment. Fatigue. Compunction. The Fizzle and finally, The Burn Out. You condense months of conversation into weeks, into days, until soon, there’s nothing left.
Welcome to every relationship I’ve had in the last two years. Welcome to the reason why none of them can even be classified as “relationships.”
The technology that allows us to get to know each other in the first place is the same technology that makes us sick of one another by the end of the second date.
But what are you supposed to do? Stop texting? Suggest you slow it down so you two have something to learn about each other when you’re together?
That’s not the world we live in. If you don’t text, you’ll never be together in the first place. But you can also overdo it, and if you do, soon there’s nothing left to learn.
And then you’re done with people after two dates because they barely resemble people anymore. They’re this weird mix of stranger and family.
You don’t know how to talk around them, move around them, be around them, make them laugh or smile — whatever. All you know how to do is type to them.
Meanwhile, you’ve processed tons of information about their lives, learned too much in too short a time and also given a considerable amount away.
Before long, you’ve adopted this responsibility toward what? These messages? Or the person behind them? Or this uncomfortably mechanized combination of the two?
And the next thing you know, you’re finally, physically next to this girl – actually next to her – and suddenly, neither of you has anything to say.
The illusion has been slammed and shattered, and now you have to use your words, and there are real stakes and you already know the answer to every question you’re hardwired to ask.
So you stand there stupidly and you suck, and she thinks she did something wrong. But she didn’t. Either both of you did or neither of you did.
You’re disappointed when it doesn’t work, but also confused as to what exactly you’re disappointed about. Is it because who I am when I talk isn’t who I seemed to be when I typed?
Now that you mention it, she kind of wasn’t what I expected either. She kind of sucks. We wasted all those hours staring at our phones for this?
Moods can be illegible in written form, so predictably, the way we communicate these days — almost exclusively via text, what else is there? — can seed a lot of chaos in our relationships. But, at the same time, texting can also improve our unions. What do your texting habits mean for your love life? Research can help you make a few predictions. Do you and your partner have similar texting styles? Do you treat your phone as crutch to carry you through boring situations? Do you feel anxious without it, uncomfortably unaware of what’s going on? Or would you prefer to turn it off and stash it in a drawer for a few days? Do you find yourself texting the hard things it’s awkward to say in person? All of it says something, according to the literature.
Yet most people perceive texting as a low-impact form of communication, Leora Trub, PhD — an assistant professor of psychology at the Pace University Dyson College of Arts and Sciences — tells Bustle. Still, many of us lean on it for the majority of our exchanges. This can create sticky and strange situations.
"[Texting] is easy," Trub says. "You can do it while you’re doing other things, you’re expected to respond immediately, you’re not expected to use it mindfully and thoughtfully." Increasingly, however, people treat texting as "their main mode of communication with their significant others and important people in their lives, and there’s a tremendous amount of miscommunication and misperception that goes on" because of it. And that can hold course-altering implications for our relationships.
What does science have to say about how texting affects our love lives? Here are seven findings from studies.
Similar Texting Styles Make For Happier Couples
For one of Trub’s studies, she and her team surveyed 205 coupled-up adults ages 18 to 29. She asked them about their texting patterns, their sense of emotional security, and their overall relationship satisfaction. People whose texting habits aligned with their partners were happier, regardless of their messages’ content: Whether they bantered or exchanged sappy missives or even undertook larger relationship issues, they reported higher levels of relationship satisfaction than couples who approached texting differently.
This makes sense: Messages from a person who texts in ways you understand, who likes to catch up at the same rate and pace as you, will generally be a welcome when they pop up on your lock screen. A person who texts too often — or too little, for that matter — and uses different lingo may bamboozle or even annoy you.
Excessive Texting Can Be A Sign Of Other, Underlying Issues
According to research presented Trub presented at the American Psychological Association’s 2018 convention, constantly tapping on our phones can signal loneliness or boredom, and ultimately lead to feelings of alienation. Or, it can help us maintain close connections with loved ones. ¯_(ツ)_/¯
Trub and her team surveyed 982 adults ages 18 to 29, asking them questions to gauge possibly addictive phone behaviors, social anxiety, shyness, and other personality-based characteristics. They determined that check-ins with significant others and friends aren’t problematic in and of themselves — indeed, the notifications give us little dopamine boosts — but become risky when we start treating them as escape routes.
In addition to the benign banter, "We also text to avoid dealing with relatives at the family party and to break up with someone," Trub noted. Texting can be functional; it can also be a way to pass the time in periods of boredom or discomfort, and in those situations, it may "become a crutch and eventually become a barrier to creating meaningful interactions," she noted in the release. "Texting all the time can also come from being lonely or bored, and that can lead to isolation and alienation.”
Attachment Styles Manifest In Phone Reliance
The way we rely on our phones may say something about the way we rely on other people. One pattern that has emerged in Trub’s research, she tells Bustle, indicates that people with attachment anxiety — or, people who are more "preoccupied with their attachment to their relationship to their partner," Trub says, and who don’t feel fully comfortable unless they are assured of their partner’s presence and commitment — tend to lean harder on their phones. They may identify with sentiments like, "’I feel naked without my phone," Trub notes, or see the phone as a sort of security blanket.
Attachment-avoidant people, meanwhile, may "be excessively self-reliant," Trub says, "because they think [others] either are going to be unwilling or unable to meet their attachment needs." This camp would prefer to flush their phones down the toilet: They view their phones as burdens, or barriers to having a Nice Time, not because they dislike the people trying to communicate with them, but because the phone itself manifests stress.
Texting Is Not The Place For Relationship Maintenance
If you and your partner have a fight, do your best to work it out in person — resorting to text can leave you both unsatisfied, and degrade the connection. In 2013, researchers at Brigham Young University surveyed 276 young adults between the ages of 18 and 25, 38 percent of whom reported being in a serious relationship, 46 percent were engaged, and 16 percent were married.
When these young couples used texting to sort out major issues or to get on the same page about things, they reported lower relationship satisfaction. The women in the study tended not to appreciate apologies delivered over text or big decisions made in this format, while the men involved disliked sending and receiving too many messages. Everyone was fine with affectionate or planning-related missives, so perhaps the takeaway is: Use texting just for off-the-cuff fun, and not to hash out your problems.
The start of a fresh relationship is always exciting, because everything is new: new kisses, new inside jokes, new friend and a new texting partner. While you might be inclined to start texting this new guy or gal in the same old way you’ve texted every other flame before them, don’t get caught in this trap! That’s the past, and it didn’t work.
It’s time to get creative, reevaluate your digital communication skills and learn a few new things about texting for your new relationship, like how to keep him engaged via text without coming on too strong or everyone’s favorite lesson, how to seduce him via text.
Check out these six common texting mistakes that can kill any new relationship. And yes, both men and women are guilty! 😉
1. You’re not treating it like you would a normal conversation
I have a lot of readers ask how often they should text someone. Really, there is no “one size fits all” answer, but in my opinion, continuity is king! A flirty text relationship should work the same way a conversation works in real life. Texts should be back and forth – a message, a reply, and so on. If you are sending double the amount of texts they are sending you then you’re trying way too hard. Chances are good that you’re going to tire them out and quickly get labelled a dreaded “pest”.
Likewise, if they are bombarding you with texts, then maybe they are going to be a lot of work – AKA high maintenance. Some people like this, some people don’t – it’s up to you to decide. The important thing is that you realize that the signs are there. Run or stay, but don’t whine about it later.
2. You’re being a “Jack Of All Topics”
Once again, continuity is super important. Do you know how annoying it is to be answering one text message *BING!* suddenly they ask you another question via text?! WHICH QUESTION DO I ANSWER.
If you keep breaking up a conversation with random messages then your partner is going to become confused, and you’re going to be feeling dejected because you’re doing most of the work. Plus, text topics are a valuable commodity, so use them sparingly! Stick to inside jokes to create a sense of intimacy – you’ll be surprised how long you can keep a flirty text conversation going just by teasing someone about that time they had too many glasses of wine and accidentally… you get the drift.
3. You’re not respecting their schedule
If you know he’s got a busy weekend ahead, then don’t text him constantly in an attempt to get his attention. Text him once, and if he replies, keep it going. If not, wait it out – he’ll get back to you. Remember – he’s just busy!
The same applies to late night texting. Beware of the 1am text. Even if you are a night owl and 1am is 9pm to other mortals, don’t go there until s/he has a chance to get to know you. Most people see late night texts as an attempt at a booty call. This can be pretty damaging for your relationship if you’re actually interested in starting a real relationship. Learning how to stop yourself from texting him is a valuable lesson!
4. You’re dishing too much, too fast
There are certain conversations you should never have via text with a new guy. The beginning of a new relationship is no place for negativity. Don’t tell them how much your boss pissed you off today, or that your bank account is in the toilet. While you’re at it, don’t tell him that your mom is pressuring you to go home for Christmas, but you want to avoid the pain and misery of spending a week with uncles and aunts that drive you up the wall (think Bridget Jones).
Negative thoughts are where new relationships go to die. Even if you are having the worst day ever, put a positive spin on things when you text your brand new love. Try something like this:
“What a week – saved by coffee! I found this great little place that honestly makes the best espressos I’ve ever tasted. I’ll have to take you there sometime soon.”
5. You’re forgetting about the two most important texts
Two of the most popular blog posts on my website are flirty good morning text messages and good night text messages. Why? Because almost everyone likes to receive a “good morning” or a “good night” text message from someone they’re interested in!
It’s not so much about the content of the message as it about the thought – similar to the type of I miss you text you’d send when you’re in relationship.When you send a good morning text message you are basically telling the other person “I woke up today and you were the first thing on my mind”. Ditto for good night text messages, which say “I’m going to sleep and I still can’t stop thinking of you”. Pretty nice, huh?
6. You’re following bad advice
Question: If someone you liked waited hours – or even days – to respond to your text messages, what would you think? Chances are, you’d think they’re simply not interested in you, and you’d probably stop texting them. However, an alarming amount of people seem to forget this simple fact and think it’s a good idea to play hard to get via text, and then wonder why they stop hearing from their new flame!
While it’s fine to wait a few hours to respond to a text if you’re busy and wouldn’t recommend that you constantly drop everything to respond to a text message within minutes, don’t go out of your way to play games. More often than not, it won’t work in your favor and if you wait a day or two to respond, he’ll think you’re ghosting him.
While being mindful of these six common texting mistakes will help you start your new relationship off on the right foot, there’s one more thing to keep in mind…
Even if hundreds of text messages are sent daily, texting doesn’t replace face time… much like learning how to seduce him via text or leaving him sexy voicemails will never replace the thrill of learning how to seduce a man in person. While texting is a great way to help build a connection and keep it strong, it never replaces face-to-face meetings. If you start to notice that your new partner is more of a pen pal than an actual boyfriend or girlfriend, maybe it’s time to give them the text boot and move on!
For more texting tips from Claudia, check out Text Weapon!
P.S. Feeling anxious in your relationship? Having trouble staying interested? It might be time to check out your attachment style. Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind – and Keep – Love is a game-changer!
Claudia is the creator of Text Weapon, and the author of French Seduction Made Easy. She is passionate about modern communication and loves helping people improve their relationships through creative texting. To read more by Claudia, visit Text Weapon . Don’t forget to signup for the FREE Texting Club trial with over 300 messages. You can also hit her up on Twitter .
As the mother of two teenage girls, my cellular fears had been pretty much relegated to the panic over the dreaded texting while driving issue or that one day, one of the girls might think it a good idea to text naked photos of herself to a current crush. But that was about it. Never did it cross my mind that the seemingly normal act of texting an authentic boyfriend might actually warp or ruin a genuine romantic relationship.
Hear me out. I have a theory.
Recently a friend of my daughter’s told me that her boyfriend “wanted a break.” Since I write young adult novels for a living and aspire to be known as “The Cool Mom,” I said, “Sit down, honey. Have an iced tea and tell me what happened.”
You see in the case of this particular girl, I was confused. She wasn’t one of those needy girls. She was strong and independent. Her boyfriend was too. This pair of lovebirds weren’t the stereotypical glued-at-the-hip kind of couple. Both had very active social lives, apart from their relationship, and both admitted to still being very much infatuated. So, if there wasn’t another girl in the picture, why the break?
The girl had no idea.
“Is he still texting you?” I asked.
“Yes Ma’am.” (We live in the South.)
“Like all the time?”
And then I asked the key question — one I thought I understood, but apparently did not. “Explain this texting thing to me.”
“It’s like a tennis ball,” she replied. “He texts, and then I text back, and it goes on like this all the time. Back and forth. Back and forth.”
“Can you elaborate?” Surely she couldn’t mean ALL the time. What the heck were they talking about?
She shrugged. “Well, today he said something about his class. And then I sent him a pic from volleyball practice and then he asked me a question about it. And I replied.”
“But then it should stop, right? After you answered his question?”
“Well, no. Because then it’s his turn.”
“But the conversation was over,” I pointed out.
“The conversation is never over. ” she repeated, emphasis on “never.”
The problem was becoming clear, and I jumped in with a diagnosis. “I can’t even fathom being forced to talk to my husband, my mother, or even my best friend every day like that! No wonder the guy needs a break. He’s sick of you.”
That might have been a little harsh, I admit. Tears began to fall.
So I concurred that texting is fun and exciting at the start. Heck. Nothing ignites those butterflies better. And Lord knows those first few weeks of texts can turn a girl to mush. Oh, the nights of late night texting marathons where you tell each other everything under the sun. I get it.
“All the same,” I added, “I love pecan pie like the rest of the gals, but too much sugar will make you sick.”
“That poor boy has no space,” I explained. “Think about it. You’re TOO available. He doesn’t have time to miss you or wonder what you’re doing or wish he could be with you because he already IS with you. You live in his pocket for Pete’s sake. This constant texting has burned out the relationship. Killed the allure. Why would he want to come to your house and watch a movie or hang out after school when he feels like he’s ‘with you’ all the time?”
She got real quiet and I feared more tears, so I offered my prescription. “Look. Texting is an addictive behavior. I’ve googled it. So I know that you two are addicted to a bad habit. All you need to do is quit texting him for a few days, or even a few hours and he’ll be over this break real quick.”
Tah dah! I was right. He was at her locker the next day before sixth period.
But since I’m the hen in a house full of chicks, I can only speak about what I see from inside the coop, but I imagine the same is true from a male perspective. I’ve certainly seen it again and again on this side of the fence — the ruin of a perfectly good match due to the constant contact generated by texting. Even stranger is when these couples really DO break up but still can’t stop texting each other. Not to mention the problem of one or both of the parties preferring to discuss the more serious issues in their relationships via text instead of in person because it’s easier.
Another mother told me about her teen whose courtship became almost “textophrenic.” There was the attraction the girl had to the sweet guy she dated in real life and then the not-so-attractive union she had with his snarky, impatient “twin” whose texts were almost brotherly and sometimes crude, an all day let’s-poke-fun-at-each-other kind of bond. Her attempt to manage the two sides of the relationship was confusing, not to mention exhausting.
And while we’re on the subject, let’s discuss Apple’s “Read Receipts.” This is a feature on the iPhone that allows the parties to be able to tell the exact minute their texts have been read. So, for a teenager, if he or she hasn’t received a reply in t-minus two seconds, something must be wrong. As a favor, I once held my daughter’s phone while a series of texts from a friend came in. Being the curious novelist that I am, I read, but didn’t reply because, well, I wasn’t my daughter. But I watched while the friend started to frantically text a string of paranoia that went something like this: